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8 Cheap Ways To Avoid The Rapture

Not everyone can afford last minute airfare around the world. Afraid your goody-two-shoes ways will keep you from experiencing the post-Rapture party? Worry no more! These helpful tips will keep even the most devout from ascending to eternal glory.

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  • 1. Giant Stapler

    Find a comically large stapler. Barring access to this, acquire an industrial stapler. Staple feet to solid surface. Note: Must staple feet, not shoes, for best results.

  • 2. Dead Weight

    Remember when you were five and your parents were ready to leave and you weren't so they picked you up and you went limp, suddenly causing your tiny body to triple in mass? Utilize this method to avoid Rapture.

  • 3. Pretend To Be A Victim Of A Blow-Up Doll Genocide

    Travel to your nearest adult bookstore (don't pretend like you don't know where it is and the fastest route to get there). Bury yourself beneath the back room display blow-up dolls. Wait. Shower. Home free.

  • 4. Tin Foil Halo

    Go to your kitchen cabinet and retrieve the roll of tin foil. Using techniques similar to keeping alien radio waves from reading your mind, mold the tin foil into the approximate shape of a halo. When Rapture occurs, say you're an angel meant to render retribution on the sinful.

  • 5. Tie Yourself To A Pipe That Extends Several Hundred Feet Down

    Can't Rapture what you can't ascend. If this method can keep Helen Hunt from dying an F5 tornado, surely it can render you Rapture free. Because movies would never lie to us about physics. Never.

  • 6. Become A Mechanized Abomination

    Choose a limb that you can live without. Remove. Cauterize. Attached mechanized replacement. Note: It is not necessary for the robot limb to be functional. Congratulations! You are now a godless monstrosity.

  • 7. Sew Free Weights Into Your Clothes

    A variant on the Twister Principle, free weights are more plentiful than exposed pipes in many instances. If you are extremely determined, sew weights straight into flesh for maximum potential.

  • 8. Become A Ninja

    Because ninjas are never caught.