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Every Reply You Get When You Tell Someone You're Bipolar

"So, you have two personalities?"

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1. "I can't even tell!"

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These are the people who think you eat banana peels and scream into post office boxes on the sidewalk. They assume you floss your teeth with the limbs of dismembered dumpster flies and masturbate with an emery board. They’ll gloss over their extreme discomfort with a reply like, “let’s go to Chipotle!” and never bring it up again. Important non-sarcastic side note for these folk: just because we don’t (always) exhibit extreme behaviors like these, doesn’t mean others don’t, and it’s none of your dingle-berried business to judge them either.

Suggested reply: “I feel you. I couldn’t even tell you were a walking dollop of Preparation H until you said that! Also, jokes on you; I haven’t had the energy to floss my teeth in weeks.”

2. "I'll pray for you."

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These are the friends of your parents and the parents of your friends. They've heard all about your ~brave struggle~ because your Judas pal told them about it in an effort to deflect from the failures of their own life. Make no mistake, they'll bring you up in bible study, alright; and book club, brunch, and while browsing Bottega's at Barneys. And when they come across contorted abstract busts at estate sales, one of them will tilt their head and snicker into the ear of another, "Look! There's that poor bipolar girl!"

Suggested reply: “Sweet-tempered Trazodone and a silo of Cymbalta, Mrs. Beckerson! An invitation to speak at your 'Benefit for Bipolars Who Can't Catch a Break' gala? I'm honored."

3. "Is that why you're on so many pills?"

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“Have you tried the Spirit Dust from Moon Juice? Yoga is a great natural alternative. Just try going outside more. Do you use Headspace?” These people are two turmeric enemas away from telling you an apple a day keeps the hypomania away.

Suggested Reply: Engage shape shift mode (which is one of the poles of bipolar disorder), slither down your chair, under the table, and out of this triggery trap.

4. "Are you sure?"

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No. No, you are not sure. You have only been diagnosed, medicated, and therapized for the sheer joy of the experience. For the thrill of calling that number on the back of your insurance card (if you even have one, lolz!) to find out the only psychologist in your network holds sessions in a Walmart parking lot 43 miles away. Never mind you fit the characteristics of the diagnosis better than a pit nestles itself inside of a goddamn Rainier cherry.

Suggested Reply: “Are you sure you’re not a star-nosed mole or coastal Australian blobfish? You might actually be a Crest Whitestrip. Maybe you should get a second opinion to be honest?

5. “So does my [insert distant acquaintance here].”

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You have to give these people some credit. They’re trying to support you to the best of their ability even if it does sound something like, “You know, my husband's, sisters, ex-husbands, sons, college roommate had a turtle with bipolar disorder.” Suddenly they’re cupping your face and saying things like, “And you know what, honey? You go girl. You just keep on doing you, hun.”

Suggested reply: “Thanks, aunt Becky. *Reaches for Ativan*

6. "Same!"

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Honestly one of the best answers. Automatic admission into the Secret Bipolar Soulmate Society. (Note: potentially not an actual society but not opposed to starting it.)

Suggested reply: Express your support and appreciation. Become friends on Instagram. Go get Taco Bell.

7. "So you like boys and girls now?!"

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These are the same people who think it’s original to call you a lesbian (like it’s a bad thing) after you tell them you’re part Lebanese. They probably own a chrome BMW with fidget-spinning rims and make spammy skit videos on Instagram.

Suggested reply: Kick the hoverboard out from under their feet and walk away.

8. "That's cool."

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Reserved for friends, family, and the occasional chill stranger who just gets you. They don’t see your mental illness as a game changer and continue to let you live.

Suggested reply: Give this person a giant hug and tell them you heart them. Buy them some chicken nuggets. Let them in on your pill stash when you’re not looking. It’s whatever. Just kidding. Don’t do that last thing. Not safe. Not chic. Illegal.

9. "Gotcha..."

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This response is typical for terror-stricken Bumble bros who feel totally blindsided by your 'deep,' 'dark,' 'confession.' They assume they’ll hurt your feelings by running out of the date and decide they’ll power through and experience their first 'crazy chick.’ Usually, you’ll be met with a “Whooooakay!” or they’ll nod in wide-eyed silence as they knock Shock Top all over their Columbia fleece.

Suggested reply: Tell them you have a gun-wielding head that sprouts from your vulvular folds and shoots Monistat at innocent civilians. Unless, of course, they remember to start every sentence with a trigger warning.

10. “You probably shouldn’t [insert totally regular activity that any human has the natural born right to do].”

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As in, “You probably shouldn’t have kids then, huh? Or get married/start that blog/work from home/be a writer/give advice/eat that/buy that/say that/tell people/share that/admit that/go out/poop.”

Suggested reply: “You probably shouldn’t open your mouth within a 30,000-mile radius of the mentally ill.”

11. "GASP!"

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Suddenly they feel the need to treat you as though you are a newly purchased iPhone trapped on the highest peak of the Pyrenees without a case.

Suggested reply: “If I am correct, you capricious pillock, I just told you I was bipolar, not making black market body lotion from the tears of a tuna.” Proceed to ask them if they’ve considered seeking medical attention for their respiratory issue.

12. "Lol! So is this weather!"

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Let this be the official declaration to humankind that the weather is not bipolar. A thunderstorm isn’t going to calm down if you toss it a fistful of Xanax and take it to therapy.

Suggested reply: JUST STOP USING #BIPOLAR TO DESCRIBE THE WEATHER OKAY?

13. “I can totally see it.”

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Chances are they think they ‘saw’ you ‘being bipolar’ that one time you decided to change your hair color. Or that time you switched up your outfit twice in one day. Maybe it was that time you couldn't decide between red or pink nail polish so you just got both? So bipolar.

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14. “What in the hell is that?”

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This is literally always a grandpa or some variation of disgruntled baby boomer. In their day “there was just boy and girl and none of this bipolar bullshit.”

Suggested reply: “Gramps, it’s like an invisible centaur that sits on your chest and doesn’t let you shower for a week. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine. I’m fine. Let’s go to Chipotle.”

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