Oprah Winfrey is obsessed with me.
Well, it's slightly more complicated than that. Somehow, whether by a prank, mistake, or the work of the devil himself, I have become the victim of what I can only assume is a Twitter algorithm gone rogue.
Twitter is programmed to occasionally send push notifications to your phone to alert you of someone's recent tweet or to suggest a follower you may be interested in. It seemed normal at first, sure, but it has since spiraled out of control.
At first, my phone would buzz, I would glance down and see that it was one of those Twitter notifications telling me about a tweet Oprah had posted, I'd clear the notification, and forget about it. But it kept happening.
Buzz, Oprah.
Buzz, Oprah.
Buzz, Oprah.
I've never followed Ms. Winfrey on Twitter, and honestly I don't think I've ever watched her show. Yet, I know intimate details of her day-to-day life. She recently saw Queen Sugar. I don't want to know this. This information is useless to me. But I got a notification to my phone telling me anyway.
Baffled, but also seeing an opportunity for a decently funny tweet, I made my Oprah-haunting public for the first time:
I went to Oprah's Twitter profile (for the first time in my life, mind you) and muted her tweets. And that was that...I thought.
But one does not simply dismiss Oprah, apparently.
Three days later, my phone notifies me "Oprah tweeted a photo." WTF.
Enough is enough. I went into my Twitter settings and turned off the 'Recommendations' notifications. Surely now that she's muted AND the setting that allows notifications from people I don't follow is completely off, I can rest easy.
A day. She only gave me a single day of peace and quiet.
A week passes. I actually manage to forget about Oprah and continue on with my life of quiet dignity. Until...
I went to Oprah's Twitter profile (for the first time in my life, mind you) and muted her tweets. And that was that...I thought.
But one does not simply dismiss Oprah, apparently.
Three days later, my phone alerts me "Oprah tweeted a photo." I'm annoyed and confused.
It's me vs. her and it's a dog-eat-dog world. It's time to pull out the big guns and block this unstoppable monster.
I'm Sarah Connor and Oprah is the terminator. I try everything I can think of, but she rises up from the ashes and plows on.
She barely gives me time to rest and bury the dead. An Oprah notification pops up the very next day, and I'm now sure that satanic powers are at play... So I loop God into this.
(But God is very busy and might not have time to check his Twitter mentions, so to be on the safe side I also reach out to Twitter's official support team.)
Guys, my actual title at my full time job is "Senior Digital Marketing Specialist." I am literally paid to understand the workings of the internet. I am given a salary, health insurance, benefits--all of these things--SOLELY to do internet-related things. And yet, I can't figure out why in the hell I can't shake these ghost notifications.
In fact, I did something I didn't tweet about because the shame of being a web specialist who doesn't know how to stop Oprah notifications was too great... I submitted a formal ticket to Twitter's official help center. The ticket was filed June 28th.
Despite all my best efforts, at 8:18 p.m. Eastern Time (9 Central), she thanks Shirley Cesear without a care in the world.
God, why have you forsaken me???
I go through all the stages...Anger, bargaining, acceptance. "I'll start going to church every Sunday!" I yell at the night sky. "I'll donate canned goods!"
I throw my phone across the bed and glare at it mistrustfully.
God doesn't answer. Neither does Twitter, Oprah, or the Twitter help center. And so it continues.
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