21 Ways Tights Are The Most Evil Form Of Clothing

Tight is the grip they have around your body and soul.

1. In the winter, they cannot be escaped…

You are bound to them, or bound to goosebumps.

2. As soon as you put them on, they try to will you into submission.

NOW YOU’RE MINE, they whisper silkily.

3. Slowly, they start to terrorize your legs with itchiness.

I want to scrape off my entire upper epidermic layer.

4. Especially around the lady bits, which they know is your weakest spot.

You can’t scratch in public and you can’t run into the bathroom every five minutes. You’re defenseless.

5. Then, they start constricting your bladder, making you want to pee ALL THE TIME.

Nickelodeon / Via spongebob.wikia.com

There is no earthly torture greater than this.

6. Next, they go for your internal organs, suffocating you slowly.

Universal Studios / Via anyclip.com

7. With every step you take, they shift for maximum discomfort.

8. They drain your bank account.

9. And yet they tear on the first wear just to spite you.

A tiny hole appears and, like a herpes outbreak, it spreads quickly and unavoidably.

10. They even use your own humanity against you.

Now you look like a hot mess, but what can you do? Take them off? Nope. You’re trapped.

11. The crazy math chart on the package is a lie. There is no right size.

12. And it’s not like you can tell how long they are by taking them out of the package because they always look like they’re made for Ooompa Loompahs.

Country Kids / Via amazon.com

13. They either cut off your blood circulation altogether.

Columbia Pictures / Via youtube.com

14. Or droop and laugh silently as you desperately pull them up over and over again.

15. Thought you’d cheat the system with thigh-highs? Think again.

The stick-ons don’t stick. The back straps require intense flexibility. They’re always one step ahead of you.

16. What about fishnet stockings you say? A net of misery.

Round-the-Clock / Via mudwerks.tumblr.com

They contradict the entire woeful establishment.

17. The store is always suspiciously “out of black,” so sometimes you settle for colored ones and look like a tool.

Warner Brothers / Via echopeople.tumblr.com

18. Or wear nude which is, as the name suggests, basically like being naked but with all the aforementioned problems.

20th Century Fox / Via thesimpsonsforever.tumblr.com

19. But even in opaque, they quietly pull up your skirt to reveal your butt to the world’s mockery.

Universal Studios / Via coub.com

Makes you miss pants real bad.

20. And after all this suffering, you’re still fucking freezing.

Cartoon Network / Via giphy.com

Because they are made out of nothing and nothing.

21. The only good part of wearing tights is coming home and ripping them off!

Paramount Pictures/ / Via giphy.com

But by then, they have taken a part of your soul with them.

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