65 Thoughts You Have When Late For Work In The Morning
Five more minutes.
1) Five more minutes. Snooze.
2) * Fall asleep and dream you turned off the alarm *
3) Five more minutes. Snooze.
4) * Fall asleep and dream you already got out of bed *
5) Fuck society. I need sleep. Snooze.
6) * Fall asleep and incorporate sound of alarm into dream *
7) HOLY SHIT I TURNED OFF THE ALARM I'M SO LATE.
8) Need coffee. No time.
9) Must make shower. Shower wake me.
10) OK, slightly more human. Can't be late, can't be late, can't be late.
11) Why is it that it's only when you're late that all of your pairs of socks mysteriously disappear?
12) Whatever. Will wear different socks. Is fashionable.
13) OK, on the plus side, stressed-out half-running is kind of like a morning exercise.
14) Everything will be fine, I'll get to the station and the train will be just about to leave, and then my connecting train will be waiting for me at the next platform, and I'll just make it in time.
15) Judging from the refugee camp that is the train platform, the train is delayed.
16) It's fine, I will use the time to check my email.
17) There is no wifi in this godforsaken hellhole.
18) Oooo, a light! It's the train!
19) No, it's just that random tunnel light that's there to serve as a mirage for people waiting for the train.
20) I wonder how far I can stretch my body past the yellow line without falling in.
21) Would anyone help me if I fell in?
22) Could I pull myself out if I needed to?
24) Probably best not to think about it.
25) Why is the subway so dirty?
26) And old.
27) And OH MY FUCK that's a huge rat.
28) Ugh, OK, if the train comes right now and everything goes my way I can still just about make it in time.
29) Why, why didn't I just leave a few minutes earlier?
30) Were those ten minutes of unconsciousness really worth the hour of conscious sheer panic I have to endure now?
31) I am a horrible, horrible person.
32) No, you know what, it's not my fault. Time is a stupid social construct. If humans hadn't constructed Time, then no one could ever be late.
33) Maybe I should move to one of those tribes in the Amazon where people don't have any concept of time.
34) That's the stupidest idea you've ever had.
35) It's 2014, why don't we have teleportation machines yet?
36) Or hoverboards. I was promised hoverboards.
37) It's really our flailing technology's fault that I'm late.
38) One day, I'll be walking my grandchildren to the teleportation machine they take to school and tell them how grandma used to have to use this thing called public transport and they'll think that's so barbaric and feel sorry for me.
39) On the other hand, teleportation didn't work out too well for Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
40) I am definitely going to be late now.
41) No, no, if a miracle occurs, I can still make it.
42) Hope really is the last to die.
43) Yes, man who keeps walking back and forth muttering, "This is BULLshit!" Me and the other huddled, angry passengers on this platform are with you.
44) I can't believe they make us pay money to use this shit. They should pay us to use the subway. It's a like a social experiment.
45) How did I end up here? What decisions led me to this moment?
46) I hate my life. I want to die.
47) Wait, what is that rumbling sound?
48) It's the train! It's the train! All is forgiven you sweet, sweet magical moving machine.
49) Time to think of some elaborate lie to tell my boss to not get fired.
50) Somehow I think "They haven't built teleportation machines yet" will not cut it.
51) I was driving in and a giant truck fell over and spilled its contents. Watermelons all over the highway.
52) I left the house on time then realized I forgot a special present for you and went back to get it.
53) I was attacked by a large rat.
52) I was sick and throwing up all morning and only came in because I have a great work ethic.
53) I wasn't feeling well and wasn't going to come in at all and you're lucky I'm even here.
54) Or I can go with the classic, "I wasn't late. I was just in the bathroom and then spent a while making my cup of coffee. You must have just not seen me."
55) There must be a way I can crawl to my desk without my boss noticing me coming in.
56) They should add invisibility cloaks to the list of things we need in the future.
57) If I really focus on making the train move, it'll go faster.
58) It's working! It's going faster! I'm a superhero.
59) It's not working, we're totally stopping. Ugh.
60) I am 100% late at this point.
61) I'm going to get fired.
62) All because I couldn't wrench myself out of bed five minutes earlier.
63) I suck.
64) No, you know what, forget it. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal.
65) Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.