The Definitive Ranking Of Pop-Tart Flavors You Never Knew You Needed

You really shouldn't be eating them in the first place. Because nutrition.

15. any Low Fat version

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HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA next.

14. any Unfrosted version

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Perhaps you'd care for some lightly seasoned packing peanuts to compliment your high fructose cardboard?

13. Oatmeal Delights Mapley Brown Sugar

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These were not around when I was a kid, and I guarantee I wouldn't have touched them. Whole grain, vitamins and minerals? No thank you. And mapley? Not an actual thing.

12. Chocolate Fudge

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I don't know how Pop Tarts managed to take something as glorious as chocolate fudge and make it 'meh,' but they did.

11. Chocolate Chip

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You are treading DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to unfrosted territory here, my friends. I see where you're going with the whole "I'm basically a cookie you can eat for breakfast!" vibe, but "basically a cookie" does not a cookie make.

10. Hot Fudge Sundae

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Okay, now things are getting interesting. Sure this pop tart is hot, but it's trying way too hard. Looks aren't everything, and this flavor is indicative of serious dysmorphia. Pop tart, don't try to be something you're not! It may seem like sundaes have all the fun and go to all the parties and get all the boys, but they get all wishy-washy on you in about .2 seconds. Your delicate pastry armor protects a deliciously gooey heart anyone would be lucky to have.

9. Brown Sugar Cinnamon

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If Hot Fudge Sundae is too concerned with looks, Brown Sugar Cinnamon isn't concerned enough. I'm all about the au natural look and embracing your inner beauty, but give me something to work with. Truly the Laney Boggs of the pop tart world.

8. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

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I think we're all a little biased when it comes to chocolate chip cookie dough, because it is truly a gift from on high. And I'm almost certain this filling is just that: straight up dough. Which is awesome, but when toasted, it kind of starts to bake into, you know, a cookie. To quote that oh-so-kid-friendly childhood classic Beauty and the Beast: "we don't like what we don't understand and, in fact, it scares us."

7. Raspberry

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Okay, food industry, be honest with me: when it comes to artificial flavoring, there is absolutely ZERO distinction between raspberry and strawberry, is there? IS THERE?? The only way to tell with pop tarts is the lame-o monochrome sprinkling of raspberry. I also just really dislike the spelling of 'raspberry.' Rasp. Berry. Berry of the rasp. LouieArmstrongBerry. But I digress...

6. Blueberry

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Points for antioxidants, amirite?!?! But really, this is a solid, reliable fruit flavor for which I have the utmost respect. But let's be honest: you really like blueberry, you get along and have fun together, but you don't wanna date blueberry.

5. Strawberry

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Let's all give a round of applause for one of the classics, the trail blazers, the mavericks. Strawberry is clearly the bad ass of the original four, able to produce FLAMES OVER A FOOT HIGH when left in the toaster too long. And you've probably eaten dozens of them! YOU ARE THE MASTER OF FIRE. ALL SHALL LOVE YOU AND DESPAIR.

4. Cookies and Creme

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When I type this into my smartphone (during my many conversations pertaining to breakfast pastries) it auto-corrects to "crème." None of that pretentious malarcky in this pop tart. This is good ol' fashioned, American, Oreo-grade creme, and damn proud of it.

3. Wild! Berry

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My mom never bought me pop tarts because she loved me. But one day I screamed just loud and long enough in the local supermarket for her to break down and toss these bad boys in the cart. And I have never been the same. Look at that. That shit is straight up ULTRA violet. Bask in it. Absorb its energy. You are born anew.

2. Cherry

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As I said before, my mother loved me very much. Hence, no pop tarts. But when I reached the wise old age of thirteen and was able to spend the ten bucks I earned babysitting at my discretion, I think you know what I craved when hunger struck. But our convenience store had a limited selection, and I was forced to try these on for size. Let me tell you, 410 calories (seriously. never read these nutrition labels.) have never tasted so good. I started to get them before every soccer practice my freshman year, convinced they were the elixir that fueled my admittedly mediocre soccer career. Remember metabolism?? Those were the days.

1. S'mores

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If you're not salivating just looking at this picture, my condolences, for you are dead inside. These scrumptious morsels are quite yummy straight out the cellophane, but toasted? Maybe you should eat them in private, because your moans of ecstasy will concern those around you. This treat...nay, this delicacy is the embodiment of all that is good and right in this country. (We can all just agree to ignore the disturbingly homicidal ad campaign)