I learned today that girls were designed for battle. We were raised to lift heavy loads, bear broken hearts, mask and tote around our insecurities, and still be strong enough to carry the baggage that the boys bring to us after their hearts are broken. We have to be able to use concealer to hide the scars and to wear gowns on dates with men dressed in armor.
There's a terrible misconception that women are toting around the abundance of the baggage but this morning I heard a 36 year old man talk about rejection from 1997, almost 20 years ago. He eyes glazed and his voice raised when I attempted to interject. I saw that although he was rejected a few times a teen it was far more devastating to him than my rejections in my teens and maybe ones in my adulthood. My teen experience was pretty much the same. The person I liked liked someone else. She was prettier (to the general public, for the record I'm hot and have been this lovely for most of my life),she wore more expensive clothing and honestly she was likely more physically developed. FYI: I did not go through puberty until I was 30, I'm going to contact scientists about that….Oh as I was saying, back to the rejection tales.
I'm not sure how much damage was done by that girl that laughed at him and never gave him a chance but when I look at:
The man I lost my virginity to and I later found out that was sleeping with two of our co-workers.
He made me sleep on the floor after starting an argument with me ON MY BIRTHDAY because I simply could not understand why I had spent $500 and opened a credit card to buy him gifts the month before for his birthday and he had bought me nothing. Not one single, solitary gift……
The guy after a few years of abstaining comes along and invites himself over and he becomes touchy feel-ly. After several attempts to get him to stop I think, "well i do like him.", "It is late, I guess I should give in because why else would I have allowed him to come over.", "I don't want to say no because I don't want him not to like me."
I'd later find out he was dating several other people and a few I knew. He would tell me I knew the deal although I told him in the beginning that if he wanted to see other people he didn't need to see me. So he agreed to be exclusive…… I guess that was just words.
How about the man that took my heart and played volleyball and soccer with it. Made me think I was going to have an amazing bday. He checks us into a hotel on my bday eve. We wake up the next morning and he doesn't want to touch me and he's gone the entire day after telling me he had to run some errands. I thought he was going to return with flowers or something…..
I don't see him again until 1am and then he's furious that I had been crying. We go to bed and he leaves the next morning not speaking to me. I spent my entire bday weekend watching him and our mutual friends post on social media about the bbq he was having at his parent's house.
Under no uncertain terms do i wish to diminish the hurt that that man felt all the way from his adolescence but I really wonder what would have become of me if the boys that teased and rejected me in high school were the last to say i wasn't good enough or worthy of their affection. I wonder how much greater i'd be had the aforementioned not come into my home, touched my things, ate my food, borrowed my money, accepted my gifts and used my body. I wonder if I'd still be mad at Dale from high school, whose last name i don't even know today, for choosing Sharon over me. I wonder……