A cool thing about the internet is that, sometimes, if we behave, the forces of anonymity and community join together and create a lil' corner of the web where we can actually be a little honest...
And Reddit threads, of course, are some of the best places to find this kind of funny-but-also-frank wholesomeness — which is why, when the user mustafarangoon52 asked Redditors to share "guy secrets that girls don't know about," I clicked immediately.
While I was expecting some good dick jokes (and explanations of common urinal etiquette), what I wasn't prepared for were all the heartfelt "secrets" that came out. And TBH? It was all very lovely.
1. They have their own, uh, methods for cleaning the toilet.
"Sometimes we pee on the poo stains in the toilet because we are too lazy to use the scrub."
2. They consciously try not to make other people feel uncomfortable.
"Sometimes we don’t talk to people 'cause we don’t want to intimidate them. I might see a girl with a cool shirt on, but I don’t want to make her think I’m coming on to her or something. Rather than freak her out that a 6’6 guy thinks she looks good today, I just leave her alone, especially if we’re on an elevator or something where she can’t leave if she actually is uncomfortable."
3. The porn they watch doesn't necessarily mean that's what they want in bed.
"Just because we watched a video about banging a step-sister while her head was stuck in the dryer doesn't mean that's some sort of weird fantasy. The girl just looked good in the thumbnail."
4. Sometimes, they're just extremely zoned out.
"I'm not staring at you, I'm zoned out thinking about how I'd start a brewery in medieval England whilst my eyes just happen to be facing your direction."
5. They have to carry all the grocery bags in at once.
6. They, um, towel off all their parts with the same towel.
"After a shower, we have no problem drying our balls and face with the same towel. Most of the time we try to dry the face first, then the sack. But sometimes we have to go back to the face. We just hope we use an uncontaminated part of the towel."
7. They don't want to be told to "man up."
"Please don't tell us to 'man up.' A lot of us were constantly told that while growing up whenever we tried to express ourselves, so your saying it will often bring up bad memories."
8. Sometimes, the man-spreading really is for comfort.
"Man-spreading isn’t a sexual thing, we’re trying not to crush our balls between our legs."
9. They have to follow the unwritten code of urinal usage.
"There is an unwritten rule of bathroom urinal etiquette that is never taught to young men, but is somehow universally known.
When a man enters a public restroom to pee in the urinal, he is to occupy every other available urinal from other urinating men. Meaning, the prime peeing positions are in urinals 1, 3, and 5 if that is available. 2 and 4 should only be occupied if there are no other choices."
10. They're struggling with their emotions, too.
11. They get random boners.
"As a male high school teacher, I both hear this all the time and have sympathy for the boys.
'Billy, please write your answer on the board.'
'Uhh....just a minute...I...uhhh... gotta find my homework.'
He's not fooling me. He knows he's not fooling me. But, part of the guy code is to mutually pretend that I'm fooled."
12. They wanna be little spoon.
"If the big spoon is smaller than you, it's called a jetpack."
13. They need their alone time.
"When we want to be alone, it's not that we don't want to be around you, it's that we don't want to be around anyone for a bit."
14. Not scratching ~down there~ is a constant struggle.
"The mental struggle we have to go through to not scratch around our groin in a public setting ... It'll take 100 percent of my willpower to not do it. The itching can drive me insane, yet the euphoria from actually scratching it is so good, I often imagine this must be what it's like scratching a dogs ears."
15. They don't really get your hints.
16. They've figured out how to make their penises, uh, "talk."
"You can squeeze the head of your penis and the tip lips will move like a mouth, and you can talk to it."
18. They really love those compliments!
"If you compliment my appearance, I will probably remember forever. I still remember when a girl in college told me I look nice with my beard when I first grew it out. I’ve had a beard ever since."
19. And they'd love to get flowers.
"I don't know if I speak for all men here but...I think it would be kind if cool to receive flowers as a gift."
20. They don't always want to make the first move.
21. They despise circle-shaped toilets.
"Those perfectly round toilets suck. It's super annoying when your junk touches the inside of the toilet bowl. The oval toilets like in most public toilets are much better."
22. They crave an impromptu game of catch.
"We desperately want you to toss us things instead of just handing them to us."
23. Sometimes, they masturbate to kill time.
"It is not sexual at all. It is a bit like making a coffee to pass ten minutes."
24. They don't care if you're popular or not.
"We don't care how popular (or unpopular) you are with other women. So it shouldn't factor into how you value yourself when dating."
25. And finally, they admit that a little physical affection goes a long way.
In closing: thanks for the honesty, fellas! I learned a lot today.
Feel free to leave your own ~guy secrets~ in the comments below!