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19 Tweets That Will Make Awkward Single People Say "Damn, That's Me"

"I have never been on a date where I didn't spend most of it wondering if I was on a date."

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1.

[First date] Her: "I like a man who's honest." Me: *trying to impress* "I don't think my wife would be happy about me being here."

@stephenjmolloy / Via Twitter: @stephenjmolloy

2.

me after a glass of wine on the first date

@ShameusSeamus / Via Twitter: @ShameusSeamus

3.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

@SteveSuckington / Via Twitter: @SteveSuckington

4.

Me: I'm ready to find a man I'm not gonna act weird Me on the first date:

@deaddilf69 / Via Twitter: @deaddilf69

5.

911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't-- IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

@msdanifernandez / Via Twitter: @msdanifernandez

6.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time? Stephanie: Sure, name the date! Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'

@MarfSalvador / Via Twitter: @MarfSalvador

7.

GIRLS DONT EVEN REALIZE HOW BAD THEY WANT ME TIL WE BECOME FB FRIEND & THEY SEE ALL 200 OF MY PROFILE PICS ARE ME MID-RIDE ON ROLLERCOASTERS

@ConorTripler / Via Twitter: @ConorTripler

8.

dunkin donuts cashier hands me my ice tea and our thumbs touch me: thank you for taking me to this beautiful restaurant for our first date

@ingridostby / Via Twitter: @ariscott

9.

Hobbies? Long walks in the Woods & watching WWII Documentaries is NOT a good answer for an Online Dating Profile apparently..I know this now

@DeniseWalker81 / Via Twitter: @DeniseWalker81

10.

Me before a date: don't dress weird, don't act weird, don't say anything weird. Me showing up to that date:

@MIchaelJTiberi / Via Twitter: @MichaelJTiberi

11.

Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living

@ariscott / Via Twitter: @ariscott

12.

giving out advice instead of candy. kids can get m&ms anywhere but who's gonna tell'em to never fuck a guy who says I love u on the 1st date

@morgan_murphy / Via Twitter: @morgan_murphy

13.

[starts dating] [falls in love] [gets married] [raises a family] [has grandkids] [celebrates 50th anniversary] [on deathbed] so what are we

@cool_as_heck / Via Twitter: @cool_as_heck

14.

I have never been on a date where I didn't spend most of it wondering if I was on a date

@AlisonAgosti / Via Twitter: @AlisonAgosti

15.

dating in high school: lets make out dating in college: lets get drunk and make out dating as an adult: lets do our best to not die alone

@bobvulfov / Via Twitter: @bobvulfov

16.

Even the name "OK Cupid" sounds like you're telling love to, like, settle down.

@kumailn / Via Twitter: @kumailn

17.

*At my future wedding* "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband" Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

@tbhjuststop / Via Twitter: @tbhjuststop

18.

[first date] *pointing indiscriminately* "uh-oh looks like we're on the Kiss Cam" there's no- *leans in* there's no Kiss Cam at Applebees

@DanMentos / Via Twitter: @DanMentos

19.

A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work

@TheSofiya / Via Twitter: @TheSofiya
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