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19 Tweets That Will Make Awkward Single People Say "Damn, That's Me"

"I have never been on a date where I didn't spend most of it wondering if I was on a date."

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1.

[First date] Her: "I like a man who's honest." Me: *trying to impress* "I don't think my wife would be happy about me being here."

2.

me after a glass of wine on the first date

3.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

4.

Me: I'm ready to find a man I'm not gonna act weird Me on the first date:

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5.

911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't-- IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

6.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time? Stephanie: Sure, name the date! Derek: Ok, how about 'Derek & Stephanie 2'

7.

GIRLS DONT EVEN REALIZE HOW BAD THEY WANT ME TIL WE BECOME FB FRIEND & THEY SEE ALL 200 OF MY PROFILE PICS ARE ME MID-RIDE ON ROLLERCOASTERS

8.

dunkin donuts cashier hands me my ice tea and our thumbs touch me: thank you for taking me to this beautiful restaurant for our first date

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9.

Hobbies? Long walks in the Woods & watching WWII Documentaries is NOT a good answer for an Online Dating Profile apparently..I know this now

10.

Me before a date: don't dress weird, don't act weird, don't say anything weird. Me showing up to that date:

11.

Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living

12.

giving out advice instead of candy. kids can get m&ms anywhere but who's gonna tell'em to never fuck a guy who says I love u on the 1st date

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13.

[starts dating] [falls in love] [gets married] [raises a family] [has grandkids] [celebrates 50th anniversary] [on deathbed] so what are we

14.

I have never been on a date where I didn't spend most of it wondering if I was on a date

15.

dating in high school: lets make out dating in college: lets get drunk and make out dating as an adult: lets do our best to not die alone

16.

Even the name "OK Cupid" sounds like you're telling love to, like, settle down.

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17.

*At my future wedding* "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband" Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

18.

[first date] *pointing indiscriminately* "uh-oh looks like we're on the Kiss Cam" there's no- *leans in* there's no Kiss Cam at Applebees

19.

A flirty thing to whisper to a guy checking out your butt is "I keep poop in there" but don't forget to wink or it won't work