23 Things That Make You Realize You Are Becoming More German Than You'd Like
Unglaublich. Phenomenal. Awesome.
1. You subconsciously try to convince yourself that the last Tatort episode wasn't actually "that bad."
2. Your friend buys a new dish washer and your first question is "But is it A+++???" - and if it isn't, you make him feel like shit for destroying the world.
3. You find yourself screaming at those bastards that cross a street when the traffic lights are red. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN, DAMN IT!!!
4. Christmas bitch slaps Thanksgiving and becomes your favorite holiday because you'll most likely get at least half of the 24th off and on top of that TWO days vacation (25th AND 26th) and in comparison Thanksgiving is just another fucking Thursday in November yo.
5. After long and hard self-reflection (AND because your VPN has failed you!!!!), you realize that you don't (and these words are still difficult to write) need Netflix cause German Netflix sucks.
6. You start smoking cigarettes obsessively because a) everyone else is and b) socialised health care is going to pay for the lung transplant.
7. You visit your mom's house in New York and give an impromptu lecture to neighbors by the dumpster about how to recycle "the right way."
8. A meal without bread doesn't exist. So it is written.
9. A friend in the States complains how he got a speeding ticket going 70mph on the highway and you start laughing hysterically.
10. You exit the store to find that some thieving asshole has stolen your bicycle and it feels as though you have lost a family member. (Bicycles are LIFE.)
11. A Berlin waitress asks you what you'd like to drink, and without even thinking you involuntarily blurt out "Club Mate, bitte."
12. Suddenly, one day you find yourself staring uninhibited at people everywhere, all the time, for no good reason, even AFTER they make eye contact with you!
13. A wedding reception party ain't a wedding reception party unless drunk people are smashing plates in the driveway. (Polterabend all day!)
14. You are flabergassted when your American friends tell you they couldn't possible come visit because they ONLY have 10 vacation days a year.
15. A nip slip or even full on titty shown on daytime TV just doesn't shock you the way it used to. (single tear)
16. It doesn't frighten you any more to see people shoveling mayo and fries into their mouths.
17. Your manly morning piss is now completed sitting down instead of standing up. Personally, this was a real watershed moment. (Proud Pinkler)
18. Your random searches for 'rare tropical diseases that kill quickly' on WEB MD isn't nearly as frightening because socialized medicine.
19. No matter what you're doing, no matter how important it is, at 4:59pm you finish work. Period.
20. A common cold + a friendly Hausarzt = 10 days off work. It's the law.
21. With every Trump press conference, you complete one more page of the German citizenship application.
22. You stop asking the random, completely benign question, "Hey how are ya?!" because often the answer is just too honest and devastating. Small talk is officially dead.
23. One day you wake up and actually start to think that Til Schweiger is a decent actor.