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    23 Tweets About Lawyers And Trials That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

    "Great, I clicked 'start your free trial' and now I'm convicted of murder."


    Great, I clicked on “Start Your Free Trial” and now I’m convicted of murder.


    Certain people have been making rather malicious remarks about my early retirement from the courtroom. But I don't like to judge.


    [me] I rest my case, Your Honor [judge] all you did was stuff squirrels into your briefcase [me as they're escaping] MY EVIDENCE


    me: no one can hear you scream in space my lawyer: u gotta stop saying weird shit to the judge man


    A centaur except it's your dad with the internal organs of a horse and now I'm on trial for science crimes


    ME: You'll be hearing from my lawyer! [later] MY LAWYER (texting): Heyyy what are you up to ;)


    Judge: I sentence you to life in prison Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE


    My closing argument ("Does my client The Nun Strangler look like a strangler?") was so bad they executed him, and me


    "Ugh here he comes with his weird small talk" [i stroll up] Hey guys. Can you believe judicial review wasn't originally in the constitution



    I think these excerpts from the Supreme Court Hearing on gay marriage are rather telling:


    [judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"


    Jury: We find the defendant so guilty, he's swung around to innocent, like going over the top of a swing set Judge: I'm going to allow this.


    Judge: and how does the defendant plead Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes* Judge: HAH do it again


    LAWYER: May I approach the bench? JUDGE: You may. LAWYER: [Walks up and whispers] That other guy is being, like, super mean right now.


    Objection your honor. How could my client commit murder when he's been trapped in a vending machine since the age of 9


    If I were a judge, every time I drank 24 beers I'd say, "case dismissed" and my wife would leave me but it would be for unrelated reasons.


    My attorneys have advised that I not yell timber, even if it's going down


    permission to cry, your honor "denied." that.......[chokes up] just makes me really sad.


    Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.


    "Jerk off motion to dismiss, Your Honor." "Jerk off motion denied, Rad Lawyer."


    LAWYER: Is it true that you haven't fed your Tamagotchi in over 15 years? PERSON IN THE BACK: Murderer! JUDGE: [Banging gavel] Order! Order!


    me: OBJECTION, your honor judge: sustained. me: [whispers to client] i forget, does that mean yes

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