11 Surprising Bible Passages

Think you know what's in the Bible? Think again! When biblical verses from the beginning of Genesis are retranslated from the original Hebrew, the results are unexpected! And some crazy verses everyone seems to miss!

Retranslating the Old Testament

The Hebrew Bible, otherwise known as the Old Testament, has been translated countless times. But most of those translations are a bit, how to put it? Dry.

OMGWTFBIBLE is a podcast that, each month, retranslates the Old Testament from scratch without caring who it offends. And it turns out, that when you look real closely at the text, all sorts of crazy stuff starts popping up. Let's take a look and some of the weirder stuff in the first 6 chapters of OMGWTFBIBLE's version of Genesis!

1. God created sea monsters!

Flickr: xolta

"God created giant sea monsters and all the creepy-crawly things and all the birds with wings and he saw that it was good" - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 1

Yup, sea monsters! To seem less crazy, most modern versions of the Bible translate the Hebrew here as "great creatures of the sea." But according to scholars, there's absolutely nothing inaccurate in reading the words here as "sea monsters."

Also, that "birds with wings" thing is kinda redundant who cares? SEA MONSTERS.

2. Adam and Eve weren't married!

peterpaulrubens.net

Eve was Adam's wife, right? Not necessarily. Check out the OMGWTFBIBLE version:

"A man leaves his parents and sticks to his woman like glue; they shall be like one body. The two of them—this man and his woman—were both naked but not embarrassed about it at all. " - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 2

Traditionally, you'd see the word "wife" in there a couple of times. But in Hebrew, the words for "woman" and "wife" are identical. Since the possessive "his" comes before the word (and maybe some historical context), I guess a lot of people assume it should be translated as "wife." But there's no wedding anywhere in this story. And there definitely isn't a marriage license.

It's pretty ironic how many people point to Adam and Eve as the Biblical definition of marriage when Adam and Eve weren't even married.

3. The snake had freaking legs!

artbible.info

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!

This is more inference than translation, but check out what God said to the snake while cursing him for convincing Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge:

"'You are cursed!' Yehovah, the God, told the snake. 'From this day forth, you shall be singled out from among the other animals and be forced to walk on your belly.'" - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 2

Lots and lots of people believe this implies that before this curse, the snake didn't crawl on its belly but walked on four legs. And, according to this painting, had a creepy man-face.

4. Cherubs are not cute!

Via vebidoo.de

For some reason, cherubs are usually depicted as adorable angel babies who show up in old-school paintings, ceramic figurines, and terrible tattoos.

In Genesis, not so much.

The first mention of cherubs comes right after God banishes Adam and Eve from Eden:

"He placed cherubs and a constantly revolving fiery sword at the east of Eden to guard the Tree of Life from all who would attempt to seek it." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 2

Now unless that baby cherub was wielding his fiery sword like Yoda swung his lightsaber in "Attack of the Clones," I'm pretty sure cherubs look more like the much more fearsome full-grown adult in the picture above.

5. Giants walked the Earth!

Via listas.20minutos.es

"The sons of God saw that the daughters of men were really hotand they took them as their women...Then, and also afterwards, the Nephilim showed up. These were the product of the sexy times the sons of God had with the daughters of men. The Nephilim were the great strong ones who will be forever known as men of God." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 2

So yeah, apparently the literal sons of God has sex with human ladies and produced a people called the "Nephilim." In OMGWTFBIBLE's version, the Nephilim were translated as "great strong ones."

If you scour the Internet, there's nothing you can't find. Some crazy people believe that the Nephilim were actually a race of giants who actually lived at some point. Or, as some believe, are still around.

Some other, even crazier, people believe the "sons of God" were actually aliens and--oh gosh, I can't. Just go read this wackiness for yourself.

6. Noah was old as hell!

Via woodstockyouth.blogspot.com

Once again, this is not a vague translation but a crazy thing baked right into the text.

We all know the story of Noah. God sends a flood to kill everything on the planet, but before he does, tells Noah to build a boat and live on it with his family and 2 of every animal until the floodwaters subside. Now, Noah wasn't a young man when this happened, but you wouldn't imagine God would ask this of someone older than say, 40, right?

Wrong!

"Noah was 600 years old when the waters of the deluge came upon the earth." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 3

Yup, 600! At that age, it's pretty amazing Noah was out and about and not in a Hoverround, let alone tending to the care of every single animal species ever in the world's largest floating zoo. Then again, his grandfather Methuselah lived to 969, so maybe age was different in this weirdo book.

Let's not even talk about how old Noah was when #7 happened...

7. Noah was raped by his son!

wikipaintings.org / Via necspenecmetu.tumblr.com

After the whole flood ordeal was over, Noah did the first thing necessary to rebuild civilization.

"Noah became of man of the earth and planted a vineyard. He drank from the wine, got drunk as fuck, and was in his tent, TOTALLY NAKED. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the excessive nudity of his father and told both of his brothers outside." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 4

Um, yeah. Now according to some interpretations, when the Bible says that someone "saw the nudity" of someone else, it means they had sex. So, maybe, Noah was raped by Ham while blackout drunk. Those family reunions must've been super-awkward. Especially since there was no one else alive after the flood.

8. People died on each other!

Via elitedaily.com

"Terach birthed Abram, Nachor, and Haran. Haran was the baby-daddy of Lote. In Ur Kasdim, Haran died on his father Terach’s face." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 5

On his face. I know, I know, most scholars believe that in the time the Bible was written, when a son died "on his father's face," it just means he died while his father was still alive. But isn't OMGWTFBIBLE's comedy version much more fun?

9. Sarah was really hot!

Via austenitis.blogspot.com

The Bible is not great with synonyms. It tends to use the same words over and over and over. Which makes for a pretty boring read. As part of its translation, OMGWTFBIBLE has embraced a very modern invention: the thesaurus.

Check out its approach to a passage where Abraham and Sarah (still called "Abram and Sarai" at this point in the text) head down to Egypt.

"When Abram got to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that the woman was just crazy hot. Pharaoh’s officers saw Sarai and told Pharoah how bonetastic she was." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 5

10. Abraham mutilated some animals this one time!

Via disciplemakerministries.org

You probably know that God promised the Land of Canaan to Abraham. But did you know that right before that, Abraham ripped apart a bunch of animals and sat with them in what sounds like a Manson-style LSD trip (shown here in a confusing drawing)? It's all there in the original Hebrew.

"Abram collected the animals and tore them apart. He divided them into halves and placed each section opposite the other. He did not dismember the bird. Scavengers descended upon the carcasses and Abram sat amongst them. As the sun set, a deep trance enveloped Abram and he was surrounded by a great and terrifying darkness." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 6

Most people translate the "sat amongst them part" as "chased them away." But the original Hebrew is actually very ambiguous, making both translations accurate!

Also, it sure was nice of him to leave the bird alone, I guess.

11. Also, Abraham circumcised a whole bunch of dudes!

dreadwilliam.com

"Abraham took his son Yishmael and all the sons of his house and slaves he’d bough and all the men who were among his people and single-handedly circumcised the whole lot of them in the middle of the day, just like God told him to." - OMGWTFBIBLE Chapter 6

Um.

No comment on this one!

The wackiness continues in OMGWTFBIBLE

OMGWTFBIBLE is a monthly podcast translating the Bible word-for-word and calling attention to the all the strange, insane, and downright weird stuff in it. Chapter 7 will be recorded live in New York City on Monday, April 15 and will be released online on Monday, April 22. For more, check out www.omgwtfbible.com or www.facebook.com/omgbible. You can also subscribe to the podcast in iTunes, via RSS, or with Stitcher