Here Are Some Of The Most Brutal Jokes From The Justin Bieber Roast
"What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?" Bieber asked. "A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours."
Comedy Central taped its roast of Justin Bieber on Saturday night, with a parade of comedians lining up to take shots at the singer.
The actual show won't air until March 30, but, needless to say, there was plenty of material for the comedians to work with.
"Tonight we're going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago," host Kevin Hart said. "We're going to give this boy an ass-whoopin'."
"Ebola patients hear about 'Bieber fever' and say, 'I'm gonna go ahead and ride this one out.'"
"Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?"
"Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he's actually seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters," Ludacris quipped.
"They say that you roast the ones you love," Broad City's Hannibal Buress said, "but I don't like you at all, man. I'm just here because it's a real good opportunity for me."
"Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn't work."
Shaq also turned up to add his voice to the chorus of non-Beliebers.
"Justin, as a father of six you have to straighten up, son," Shaq said. "Last year, you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people."
"You bought a monkey!" Snoop Dogg said. "I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic."
Ron Burgundy even made a surprise appearance!
"This kid has spunk, moxie, and a few other STDs," Burgundy joked.
Randomly, Martha Stewart also stopped by for some reason.
"All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time," comedian Natasha Leggero joked.
Stewart wanted to offer Bieber some tips on how to avoid the slammer.
"You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life," she said.
"Find yourself the right gal, but she's going to have to really special, someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich.
"Someone you can smoke a joint with or engage in the occasional three-way.
"I'm talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom," she said.
"So, Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me."
By the end of the night, Bieber was looking a little shaken up.
Like, seriously. It was a rough night.
Appearing on stage with his long lost pet monkey, Bieber finally had a chance to hurl some zingers of his own.
"What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?" he asked. "A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours."
But he also turned serious at the end of the night, apologizing for his past behavior.
"I've turned a lot of people off in the last few years," he said. "But I know I can still put out good music and turn everything all around."
"There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old," he said.
"I didn't know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don't define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I'm sorry."
"I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of," he said. "Someone close to me once said, 'It's how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.' I'm excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me."