10 Doughnut Archetypes You Recognize If You Work In An Office

Fresh doughnuts can turn an office into a strategic battleground. Know the players involved with this doughnut dossier, compliments of Krispy Kreme.

The Rookie

Lasse Kristensen / Getty Images

Rookies take forever to choose a doughnut.

Find it in your heart to forgive the indecisive rookie. They’re obviously still developing leadership skills and that takes time. If you’re feeling altruistic offer assistance in a soothing tone. Tell them how brave they are for simply being there to make a choice.

Signature Move: Hovering their hands over each doughnut while whispering Tony Robins mantras.

The Sheriff

Via botswanayouth.com

Sheriffs relentlessly uphold justice around a box of doughnuts.

"It’s one doughnut per person until everybody has had one. Not from this department? Keep. Walking." They didn’t choose the badge, the badge chose them.

Signature Move: Shutting the lid of a doughnut box down on someone's hand.

The Early Bird

Via gawker.com

Early birds are always the first to the doughnuts.

Many of the world’s most successful people are early birds: Apple CEO Tim Cook, Michelle Obama, and Virgin founder Richard Branson to name a few. So when you find that bear claw is already gone, don’t resent the early bird, they're likely going to be your boss soon.

Signature Move: Returning to their desk with a doughnut to find their chair is still spinning from when they left.

The Con Artist

Via freewayinsurance.com

Con artists use smoke and mirrors to take as many doughnuts as possible.

Notice that despite the fact raspberry cream is far and away your favorite doughnut, you haven’t had one in two years? And good ol' Jerry always has two? Wake up, you’ve been conned.

Signature Move: Grabbing two doughnuts because, “they're taking one to a friend.”

The Sniper

Via standard.co.uk

Snipers call the doughnut they want from their desk.

This is a gutsy move. If someone's pulling it they're probably your CEO. Or they're Ryan Gosling. If Ryan Gosling is your CEO, I'm sorry but you're in an alternate universe. He's actually a superstar celebrity. Whatever universe you're in, don't snipe doughnuts until you're on the level.

Signature Move: Not even bothering to turn around in their chair while calling the doughnut they want.

The Diplomat

Via ispot.tv

Diplomats make sure everyone gets the doughnut they want before choosing their own.

Kind hearted people, diplomats inspire good behavior around a fresh box of doughnuts. Which is critical because with cons running game, snipers calling shots, and sheriffs bringing law a complete breakdown could happen at any moment.

Signature Move: Explaining the Golden Rule to troublemakers.

The Grownup

Via news.dailytoast.com

Grownups take half, leave half.

Grownups are honestly oblivious to the lie they’re telling themselves: “Just half for me – I definitely won’t be back for the other half of this doughnut within the hour. Surely I won’t.”

But of course you will.

No judgments here grownups, you be you.

Signature Move: Eating multiple halves of doughnuts then internally judging anyone who eats one full doughnut.

The Interloper

Interlopers stroll in from other departments attempting to take a doughnut.

"Hey we all work for the same company so taking one of your doughnuts is no big deal right?"

Wrong.

Make no mistake, interlopers know what they’re doing and their tell-tale hearts haunt them at night. Report them to your sheriff immediately.

Signature Move: Taking a doughnut while talking about how fun last year's holiday event was.

The Vulture

Walter Neser Wneser@http://<a href="gmail.com%22 target="_blank">gmail.com&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

Vultures scrounge doughnut box leftovers.

It’s fine to slowly shake your head at vultures while they do their dirty business. Or you can just look away. Not that they would notice, these doughnut-carrion feasters have no regard for civility. Oh the humanity...

Signature Move: Circling near team meetings with confirmed doughnuts and staring on with ravenous, predatory eyes.

The Patron

Via glasgowlive.co.uk

Patrons bring the doughnuts.

There are heroes. There are champions. There are hero-champions. There are super-mega-hero-champions. Then, above those, is The Patron. They bring the doughnuts so it's on everyone else to show their thanks. Maybe it's a slow-clap. Maybe it's Gregorian chanting. Maybe it's fist pumps and weird monkey sounds, whatever it is, do it.

Signature Move: Fully choreographed Footloose-inspired dance routine to the table where they'll place the doughnuts.

And there you have it

Via scotsman.com

Good news, this field manual is expandable! If you noticed any characters not mentioned above detail them in the comments. And visit your neighborhood Krispy Kreme for America’s #1 doughnut.