1. So, if you haven’t heard, we recently learned that everyone’s favorite drink to say they’re never drinking again after waking up the next day (Fireball) has an Antifreeze ingredient in it.
3. So what are we supposed to do? STOP DRINKING FIREBALL? That’s insane.
5. That’s why we decided to make our own, Antifreeze-less Fireball. Fireball home-brew, if you will.
6. We tried five different combinations of all things whiskey and all things cinnamon to break the Fireball code.
7. Here’s what we created:
The Red Hot consists of Jack Daniels and a boat-load of Red Hots left to simmer in a bottle for five hours. The whiskey takes on a dark reddish tint, like the flames of the river Phlegethon and like my blood which forever runs eternal for Fireball. Also like red candy.
9. Here’s what our taste-testers thought:
“I’d have another one. It tastes like candy.”
“Tastes like someone spit out a bunch of actual Fireball into my cup.”
“Not bad. Could be better.”
“Yeah, it’s good!”
“Tastes like those Hot Tamale candies.”
“That’s actually way better than I thought it was going to be.”
“It, like, coats your mouth.”
“Wow! That’s actually really good! I could drink this all the time.”
If only we stopped here.
The Bottom Shelf is the working man’s Fireball. You just fire up that Chevy Tough Tahoe 150, throw on some John Cougar, and toss that two year old Big Red in your cup holder into your ever-present bottle of Jim Beam and you’re good to go. This version was much less red, but still probably resembled blood if your blood was replaced entirely by whiskey. That’d be pretty dope TBH.
14. Here’s what our taste-testers thought:
“Yeah. That’s whiskey. I don’t like whiskey.” - Emmy
“It’s DEFINITELY whiskey.”
“If I had to guess, this is just whiskey and cinnamon gum.”
Despite these people being a bunch of SMART-ALEKS, they totally nailed it.
There were no comments on this brew, but there were gagging noises and we almost got some vomit. Good or bad? Hey, JOE BROWN, how about YOU be the judge.
“Oof. That one is definitely more boozy than the others.”
“It tastes like you scraped the cinnamon gum off someone’s shoe and ate it.”
“I actually really want to taste the gum in this bottle.”
Do not eat the gum. That produced actual vomit.
The classic is just Jack Daniels and cinnamon extract. For this brew, I would suggest not putting 3/4 of the bottle of extract in with the whiskey like we did, because then you will upset everyone. But hey, I’m not your dad. Whiskey is difficult. Extract is difficult. Being a dad is difficult. I’m so sorry, little man. I can’t bring you to baseball practice tonight.
19. Here’s what our taste-testers thought:
“Oh! It’s so bad!”
“I don’t know, it’s not so bad.”
[Holding back vomit] “I DON’T LIKE IT AT ALL. It tastes like what a tire section at a store smells like.”
Again, almost got some vomit. Seems like a promising sign that we’ve almost cracked the Fireball code.
“The aftertaste is good, but the first taste is truly terrible. It gets better.”
[Gagging.] “That’s disgusting.”
“Or does it get worse? I don’t feel good.”
I don’t feel good after drinking whiskey, so we’re definitely getting close.
“There are so many emotions in that one little drink!”
“It’s like a roller coaster of flavors.” - Jessica
“Whoa! That actually tasted really good for like a second!”
One second is better than no seconds. Look it up, hermano.
Ah, The Artisan Blend. This is the kind of drink you sip and spit at the people drinking The Bottom Shelf. You won’t find “I DONT READ” in the Facebook profile of people drinking this. These are the kind of people who use the #vscocam hashtag. The drink consists of Crown Royal, cinnamon sticks, and a splash of tabasco, just to fuck with people.
24. Here’s what our taste-testers thought:
[After considering for a moment] “Oh, it’s good though!”
“OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THERE’S HOT SAUCE IN THIS ONE! YOU DICK!”
[Gagging.] “OH! HOT SAUCE! NO!”
“It’s savory. It’s like a mini meal.”
“It smells like meat.”
Ah, and here we have the crème De La Soul. The Suicide. It’s everything all in one sweet, beautiful mix just like God intended. If this isn’t the Fireball recipe then we don’t know what is.
29. Here’s what our taste-testers thought:
“You know what? Not bad.”
“I’m gonna go think about my life and decisions right now.”
“No. No. No. No.”
“It definitely smells like something that shouldn’t taste good. And it doesn’t.”
“Whoa. This one will give you a headache.”
“I want to die.“
33. So! There you have it. Homemade Fireball. It’s just that easy.
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