1. How do you build suspense?
2. A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked what the rabbit's blood type was, and the rabbit replied, "I'm probably a Type O."
3. How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
4. I was at the funeral of a friend of mine. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, "Plethora." "Thank you," his wife said as I sat back down. "That means a lot."
5. I just learned Einstein was a real person. I alway thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
6. I had a dream last night I was a muffler...woke up exhausted.
7. What is blue and doesn’t weigh much? Light blue.
8. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
9. Two pretzels were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
10. Two guys walk into a bar.You'd think the second guy would duck.
11. What did O say to Q? "Hey, put that thing back into your trousers."
12. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
13. What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
14. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
15. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!
16. What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station; the other is a busty crustacean.
17. What kind of pants do the Super Mario Brothers wear? Denim denim denim.
18. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Well the flag’s a big plus.
19. Did you hear about the guy who stole cheese? He was up to no Gouda.
20. To be frank, I'd have to change my name.
21. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
22. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan.
23. I used to be afraid of hurdles but then I got over it
24. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
25. What did the horse say when he fell? "I cant gitty up."
26. There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.
27. What do you call a pile of kittens? A "Meow"ntain.
28. I told my mom that when I'm older I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
29. Steak jokes are a rare medium well done.
30. What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, but it let out a little wine.
31. I used to be good a telling jokes, but now I just punch up the fuck line.
32. What do you call a broken can opener? A can’t opener.
33. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
34. Why did the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well!
35. I call my horse Mayo. Sometime Mayo neighs.
36. Where did the broccoli go to have a few drinks? The salad bar.
37. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
38. What did Vincent say when he couldn't find his car in the lot?Where'd my Van Gogh?
40. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
43. Why do fungi have to pay double bus fares? Because they take up too mushroom!
44. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
46. Why couldn't the man find his map? Because he had lost his map.
49. What is a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone, with no dressing!
50. You heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
52. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time consuming.
54. Which vegetable did Noah leave off the ark? The leek!
56. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, you idiot!
60. What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin? I yam what I yam!
63. Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing!
65. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
66. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
71. Why did the man fall in the well? Because he could not see that well.
73. What is small, round, and giggles a lot? A tickled onion!
76. "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
77. What is green and goes to a summer camp? A brussels scout!
78. I always have the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight. It's always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
80. What’s the coolest vegetable? A rad-ish!
81.
Vet: your horse is lame. Me: *looks at horse through window* he looks fine? Vet: *cleaning his glasses* he's a fucking loser Dave.
82. Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
83.
@NPR Why does a chicken coop always have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! #dadjokes
84. How do you make a net? You sew a bunch of holes together.
86.
My wife told me I need to quit playing Wonderwall on guitar. I said maybe #NationalTellAJokeDay
87. What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato while on a family walk? Ketchup!
88. I bought a new boomerang. But I just can't throw the old one away.
90. Which vegetable always shows up in the lost and found? The turnip!
91. I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
92. Thanks for telling me the definition of the word many. It means a lot.
94.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter #NationalTellAJokeDay
96. I used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean.
97.
what’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean. #NationalTellAJokeDay
98.
#NationalTellAJokeDay What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
100. How do you turn soup into gold? Put 14 carrots in it!
101. I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
102. Which vegetable might you find in your basement? Cellar-y!
103.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side #NationalTellAJokeDay
105. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
106.
#NationalTellAJokeDay Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar... You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
107.
Dogs can't do X-Rays... ...But Cats can. #NationalTellAJokeDay
108. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
110. What do you call an angry pea? Grump-pea!
111. Why are ghosts terrible liars? Because you can see right through them.
113.
#NationalTellAJokeDay The Past...The Present and the Future walk into a bar It was Tense
114. What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
116.
Two satellite dishes met on a roof. They fell in love. They got married. The reception was brilliant. 🤣🤣🤣 #NationalTellAJokeDay
117. What do Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common? They have the same middle name.
118. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi!
119.
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines! #NationalTellAJokeDay
120. What is yellow and hurts like hell when it's in your eye? A bulldozer.
