1. Because now you know how to properly eat a cupcake:
2. And chocolate if you’re a bird:
3. The weather won’t be this frightening:
4. This won’t happen to you:
Especially not this:
5. Because you’re not a dad at a Justin Bieber concert:
6. Because everything will go smoothly:
7. And you’ll have complete control:
8. And even if you don’t, don’t worry about it:
9. Because things won’t be this complicated:
10. They’ll be simple:
11. Because every time you peel a fruit it will work out perfectly:
12. Because you aren’t under as much pressure as Josh:
Unless you are Josh, then don’t let us down.
13. Because school is finally out:
14. Because everyday can be parachute day in gym class if you want it to be:
15. Because you’ll take the month by storm:
16. And assert yourself:
17. So get dressed:
18. Get focused:
19. And be thankful for what you have:
20. Now sit down and relax:
21. Look at this baby sloth:
22. And don’t sweat the small stuff:
- An American-Israeli teen has been arrested in Israel for bomb threats to Jewish community centers in the US, say the FBI.
- Republicans worked into the morning trying to finalize a deal that would allow their Obamacare replacement plan to pass in the House.
- ISIS has claimed responsibility for the London attack through its news agency, calling the assailant its "soldier."
- A Russian former MP and Putin critic was shot and killed outside an upscale hotel in Ukraine Thursday.