"I watched your mother give birth to you."
"No jacket big enough could ever hide my shame."
"I didn't fight in the trenches for this."
"I didn't poop in the trenches for this."
"All I wanted to do was scratch my neck. Just scratch my neck and go to the bathroom. Now THIS."
"Why does this keep happening to me."
"THERE SHALL BE NO SELFIES IN MY DOMAIN."
"I wish I had never noticed this slightly ajar door."
"Stay completely still and maybe you'll be invisible."
"Bless my trembling bifocals."
"I've made a huge mistake."
"The things I've seen haunt me to this day."