How Many Five Year Olds Can You Realistically Take In A Fight?

Finally, an answer to the eternal question. Note: you should never, ever attempt to beat up a five year old, ya knucklehead.

  1. 1. How would you describe your physique?
    1. Average
    2. Carved out of stone
    3. Skinny
    4. Dad-esque
  2. 2. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to win this fight?
    1. Definitely. The rules don’t apply with five year olds.
    2. No. You need to draw the line somewhere, and I do exactly that with five year olds.
    3. I don’t know, man, maybe. Depends how annoying they are.
  3. 3. Have you ever actually beat up a five year old?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. I refuse to answer this question
  4. 4. What's your five year old whoopin' strategy?
    1. Stand still and have them come at me one by one, using their own flawed attack strategy against them
    2. Swing my arms around like a helicopter, hoping to knock five year olds on the front line backwards into other five year olds thus creating a sort of domino effect with their tiny bodies
    3. Take things as they come. Five year olds are unpredictable.
    4. Attempt peace
  5. 5. How many fights have you actually been in?
    1. Too many to count
    2. Only a few
    3. Never been in a fight
  6. 6. Would you describe yourself as a person that can be "climbed easily?"
    1. Absolutely
    2. Absolutely NOT
  7. 7. Are you male or female?
    1. I am male
    2. I am female
    3. I am male but wearing a protective cup. I am coming from football practice.
    4. I do not identify as male or female
  8. 8. Do you have any self-defense training?
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. No, because this isn’t self-defense. This is ALL OUT WAR.
  9. 9. If need be, would you be willing to use one of the 5 year olds as an improvised weapon?
    1. Just call me Derek Jeter
    2. Please do not call me Derek Jeter
    3. No
  10. 10. What age group do you fall in?
    1. 15-21
    2. 22-30
    3. 31-40
    4. 41-90

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