How Many Five Year Olds Can You Realistically Take In A Fight?

Finally, an answer to the eternal question.

1. 1. How would you describe your physique?
   1. Average
   2. Carved out of stone
   3. Skinny
   4. Dad-esque
2. 2. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to win this fight?
   1. Definitely. The rules don’t apply with five year olds.
   2. No. You need to draw the line somewhere, and I do exactly that with five year olds.
   3. I don’t know, man, maybe. Depends how annoying they are.
3. 3. Have you ever actually beat up a five year old?
   1. Yes
   2. No
   3. I refuse to answer this question
4. 4. What's your five year old whoopin' strategy?
   1. Stand still and have them come at me one by one, using their own flawed attack strategy against them
   2. Swing my arms around like a helicopter, hoping to knock five year olds on the front line backwards into other five year olds thus creating a sort of domino effect with their tiny bodies
   3. Take things as they come. Five year olds are unpredictable.
   4. Attempt peace
5. 5. How many fights have you actually been in?
   1. Too many to count
   2. Only a few
   3. Never been in a fight
6. 6. Would you describe yourself as a person that can be "climbed easily?"
   1. Absolutely
   2. Absolutely NOT
7. 7. Are you male or female?
   1. I am male
   2. I am female
   3. I am male but wearing a protective cup. I am coming from football practice.
   4. I do not identify as male or female
8. 8. Do you have any self-defense training?
   1. Yes
   2. No
   3. No, because this isn’t self-defense. This is ALL OUT WAR.
9. 9. If need be, would you be willing to use one of the 5 year olds as an improvised weapon?
   1. Just call me Derek Jeter
   2. Please do not call me Derek Jeter
   3. No
10. 10. What age group do you fall in?
    1. 15-21
    2. 22-30
    3. 31-40
    4. 41-90

How Many Five Year Olds Can You Realistically Take In A Fight?

1. You got: A near infinite amount!

   You are the alpha and the omega of beatin’ up on five year olds. You are the universe of beatin’ up on five year olds - you are an endless void, constantly expanding your potential of whoopin’ little ones. You are our first line of defense.

2. You got: 6!

   Not too shabby. I mean, honestly, beating up six of anything is a pretty big accomplishment, right? Keep punchin’ and you’ll be in double digits in no time. Maybe wear a cup.

3. You got: 14!

   Now we’re cookin’. Fourteen is a very respectable number - people PAY for these kind of five year old whoopin’ numbers. I would focus on working on your leg strength so you can stay upright as long as possible. Keep it up.

4. You got: 23!

   NICE! Blink-182 once mused that “nobody likes you when you’re 23,” but I believe that it’s safe to say that everybody likes you when you beat up 23 five year olds. You’ll probably even get a personalized letter from the president. Well done.

5. You got: 31!

   WOW! Have you quit your day job yet? You should quit your day job. Your new job? Punchin’ little tykes. Keep your eye on the prize, 31.

6. You got: 34!

   Good work! Hell, if they found a way to harness energy from a grown adult whoopin’ on little children you’d be a very rich person. So my advice to you is to somehow figure out how to make that a reality. Also something with hover boards. Surfboart. Surfboart.

7. You got: 39!

   39. Wow. This is the kind of number that separates the pros from the chumps. You, my friend, are a pro. You could go pro in beatin’ on l’il children. You probably shouldn’t though. That’s a bad idea.

8. You got: 52!

   52?! 52! I am in awe. You are a true child-whoopin’ hero. They should hold a ceremony in your honor. They should rename Devry University in your honor. They should rename that Foo Fighters’ album “In Your Honor” in your honor.

9. You got: 18!

   Not bad! 18 is a respectable number. My advice to you is to stay hydrated before the fight - it’s surprising how winded one can get while whoopin’ on little children. Once you figure out your pre-game routine you’re GOLDEN.

10. You got: 21!

    If clobberin’ little kids was your age, you’d be able to drink legally in the United States of America. That’s special, I think. Keep up the good work and, hey, who knows - soon you might be able to rent a car with the number of little kids you put a wallop on.

11. You got: 49!

    !!!!!!!!! Can I get your autograph? I’m seriously impressed. It almost seems like the entire reason you are here on this Earth is to put the hurt on some five year olds. KEEP HAMMERIN’, CHAMP.

12. You got: 18!

    You are most likely five years old yourself. You are also most likely a giant whimp. Get out of this quiz, ya whimp.

13. You got: 43!

    VERY NICE! This is the good stuff. This is some gold medal five year old punchin’. You are the Apollo Anton Ono of bringin’ the pain to five year olds. Good work.

14. You got: 17!

    Not too shabby! My advice to you is to kneel a bit to get a better center of gravity. This way the kids can’t get you on the ground so fast. My advice is to also get a cat. They are easy to take care of an wonderful around the house.

15. You got: 37!

    LOOK AT YOU! 37 isn’t a number to scoff at - not at all. You’ve most likely got this whole “clobberin’ little children” thing all figured out, and I respect that. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, that’s what it means to me. However, I am pretty sure Aretha Franklin was not talking about clobberin’ children.

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