My fellow Americans, we are gathered today to discuss a very serious issue. An issue that has gone unaddressed for too long in our nation — a nation that can be so much greater than it is today.
It's time to talk about that giant-ass gap in public bathroom stalls.
Now, I'm a simple man. I put my pants on one pair at a time. I'm ambivalent about most birds. My favorite color is confidential. But even I know that you should NOT be able to make eye contact with someone inside a stall.
You shouldn't have to scar a child for life.
You shouldn't have to be stared down like some kind of MAD POOPER.
Look how big this gap is, my friends. You can fit a small child or a particularly large squirrel in there.
For too long we've been complacent. We've thought it okay that we can stick our big ol' thumbs in The Gap.
We've been urinating under duress.
Terrified to simply drop a big ol' bomb in peace, the way the architects of our great nation intended.
It's time to wake up, my friends. We must close The Gap in the bathroom door.
We must stop turning a blind eye towards the eyes that we try and fail to ignore.
We must stop allowing gaps big enough to hold what comes out of my hold after that barbacoa burrito bowl from Chipotle.
You shouldn't be on display for the entire People's Republic of China.
You shouldn't be able to take a selfie while dropping a deuce.
We must take back our toilets from Big Shit.
NO LONGER shall we clench our giblets in fear.
Let us pledge to put an end to The Gap in stall doors. Let us make our holes, and our country, whole again.