The 22 Coldest Things That Have Ever Happened

And I mean “cold” in the best possible way.

1. The Thinkin’ ‘Bout U:

Approximate temperature: 32°F.

2. The Dick:

Approximate temperature: Arctic tundra.

3. The JK:

Approximate temperature: A copy of Ice Age on Blu-ray buried in the snow in your backyard.

4. The Olympic Condoms:

Approximate temperature: A bathtub full of frozen peas.

5. The Cell:

Approximate temperature: A toilet seat in February.

6. The Miss U:

Approximate temperature: Vanilla Ice after eating six freeze pops.

7. The Math Problem:

Approximate temperature: That girl on Are You Afraid of the Dark that kept saying “I’m…cold…”

8. The Insta:

Approximate temperature: Making sweet, sweet love to an igloo.

9. The Love You:

Approximate temperature: The coldest temperature you can think of. But, like, minus 5.

10. The Bad Thing:

Approximate temperature: The band Coldplay trapped in the Andes Mountains.

11. The Hi:

Approximate temperature: Your tongue stuck to a pole.

12. The Melanie:

Approximate temperature: The hands of your one friend with perpetually cold hands.

13. The Miss You:

Approximate temperature: The air when you immediately get out of the shower.

14. The Talking to You:

Approximate temperature: Having to keep your wet socks on all day.

15. The ???:

Approximate temperature: The Cold War if it was actually just the USA and Russia throwing snowballs at each other.

16. The Feel Good:

Approximate temperature: Freezing rain.

17. That What U Doin:

Approximate temperature: 26 ice cubes. No more, no less.

18. The Error:

Approximate temperature: 0 degrees celsius.

19. The Magic Conch:

Approximate temperature: Mount Everest, but, like, times two.

20. The Keyboard:

Approximate temperature: Whatever the freezing point is in Kelvin. I’m not going to look it up.

21. The Cereal:

Approximate temperature: Your basement if there were another, smaller basement underneath it.

22. And, finally, the 17-Month Delayed Response:

Approximate temperature: Absolute zero.

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