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18 ACTUALLY Respectful Ways To Treat The American Flag

Hey, kneelers: LISTEN UP.

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We've been hearing a lot about NFL players kneeling to protest the United States' long history of racial inequality and police brutality. Not too long ago, Donald Trump said athletes who kneel and disrespect the flag should be "fired."

Sean M. Haffey / Getty Images

So what are some of the CORRECT ways to treat our wonderful flag that don't involve the totally asinine American tradition of peaceful protest?

1. Try blowing your nose in a pack of American flag tissues:

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2. Or rubbing your butthole up against a pair of flag pants:

Nothing more respectful than wearing the flag as pants.
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Nothing more respectful than wearing the flag as pants.

3. If you really love and respect the flag, why doesn't your dog have an American flag "doo rag"?

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4. And why don't you have a Batman flag fidget spinner? THIS is what our country is all about. None of that peaceful protest garbaggio.

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5. If you really want to show you support the flag, buy a video game console made in Japan adorned with the ol' red, white, and blue:

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6. Or take a swig of Fireball in the bathroom of your cousin's wedding out of Old Glory:

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7. Babies literally kneel for the first 10 months of their lives. You need to counterbalance that by getting them a onesie they'll treat with respect and most definitely not huck a chunk of hunks on:

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8. And why DISRESPECT the flag by kneeling when you can respect our country's great history by vaping mango tobacco juice out of a flag?

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9. Or maybe try stepping in dogshit with a pair of flag sandals to show how much you care about and respect the flag:

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10. If you really want to respect the flag, buy a shirt with a picture of a wine glass that's filled up with an American flag on it. You know, like a REAL patriot.

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11. Or wear a pair of yoga pants emblazoned with the flag so you can rub your sweaty butthole over it every day at the gym. You know, respectfully:

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12. If you really respect the flag, why don't you have one to hide your grotesque, naked body in the shower?

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13. And why don't you own a T-shirt with the sport of the people the country systematically murdered to show how much you love and respect the flag?

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14. You could try sitting on the flag:

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15. Committing a little arson with the help of the American flag:

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16. Or just try wearing literally the shittiest watch in all of existence just to show you how much you respect our beautiful flag:

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17. If you respect the flag, don't kneel. Live out your adult baby fantasies in an American flag onesie instead.

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18. And if you truly, truly respect the flag, why haven't you consumed it? Huh? Do you not CARE? ARE YOU A KNEELER?

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Now that's what I call respecting the American flag. None of this "silent protest" B.S. Give me an American flag enema bag instead of a traitorous kneel any day of the week.

God bless the USA.

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