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50 Reasons Why Nicolas Cage Is The Greatest Creature Who Has Ever Lived

IT'S NICOLAS CAGE'S 50TH BIRTHDAY!!! Let us pray.

Posted on January 07, 2014, 19:58 GMT

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1. He appreciates you. He appreciates making you feel better:

2. However, like any great person from history, he does not appreciate the bees:

3. It doesn't matter what language he speaks in, he simply dislikes the bees:

4. Did you know that Nicolas Cage was the first president of the United States?

5. Did you know that Nicolas Cage is also our current president?

6. I bet you didn't. Did you know Nicolas Cage was the original actor for Spongebob?

7. FUN FACT: Nicolas Cage was also the original choice to play Miley Cyrus in the "Wrecking Ball" video:

8. Did you know Nicolas Cage is actually a vampire from 1870?

9. Or did you know that he's the Norse god Thor?

10. Or the Virgin Mary?

11. What about a Redcoat during the War of 1812? Did you know that his declaration stealing scheme was in the works since literally 1814?

12. Did you know Nicolas Cage was someone's dad from the 1970s?

13. Or some Romanian biology textbook child's dad?

14. You're probably sitting there like some chump, not even realizing that Nicolas Cage spent his formative years as a tiny animal statue:

15. I bet you literally had NO CLUE that Nicolas Cage is also a rare species of eagle:

16. Or notable feminist Emma Goldman?

17. You probably didn't even know that not only was he the first president of our United States, but also Emperor Maximiliano of Habsburgo:

18. MOVING ON: Cage makes for great leftovers:

19. You don't need accessories when you have Cage as an accessory:

20. He coined the phrase "The only Cage we have to fear is Cage himself."

21. And there is no finer art than art composed solely of Mr. Cage:

22. He's got America on his side:

23. Hell, he IS America:

24. He's well aware that the inertia is not a property of matter. In fact, there is only one property of matter, and that is Nic Cage. Nic Cage is matter:

25. In fact, science does not exist. Matter does not exist. The only thing that exists is magic. Cage magic.

26. Mustache:

27. No actor has ever committed themselves so selflessly to a role:

28. No actor has ever been able to transform into Voltron so effortlessly:

29. No actor has ever offered a chameleon his last smoke:

30. And no actor will help you get that dream job like Cage will:

31. Who needs an alarm clock when you have a CAGE-LARM CLOCK?

32. Hell, he doesn't even use an alarm clock. He uses a naked man eating a Fudgsicle to wake up.

33. Have you forgotten how beautiful he looks as Disney princess?

34. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN??!??!

35. OKAY, ONE LAST TIME, DARRYL WORLEY. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?!

36. Nicolas is constantly on the cutting edge of scientific achievement. Science will only have gone too far once we are all one with Cage.

37. He will help you past every test. He is the answer to every question. He is the only answer.

38. Guess Who? You needn't guess, for the answer is always Cage.

39. Cage is love.

40. Cage is light.

41. Cage is the president of France.

42. Cage is Nicki Minaj:

43. Cage is LEGO:

44. Cage is Koala:

Cage is Cage.

45. Look at this eye. Gaze into the window to Cage's soul. Gaze into the future. Gaze into the past. Gaze into yourself.

46. Here we have Nicolas Cage's ear. Notice the slight indent a 7/8 of the way up. We are all the indent. That indent is us, it is the indent Cage has dropped unto our lives. We must accept this indent, for it is the way.

47. Notice Cage's forehead shine. Sleek, shiny, beautiful. After The Event we will have naught but His forehead to guide us:

48. And praise be to his beautiful smile, for it will bring us hope in even the darkest of times.

49. Today we are all Nicolas Cage.

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