1. The nighttime convo:
My toddler, who was not previously accustomed to being awake after dark, just looked outside and screamed “where is the backyard?!”
2. The FaceTiming convo:
My toddler dropped my phone while she was FaceTiming my mom, gasped, picked it back up, and asked, “grandma, are you ok???” It was the cutest-dumbest thing Ive ever seen.
3. The report card convo:
My son got his report card today and academically he did well but his teacher wrote a note specifying “ he needs to use kind words with friends “ . I asked him about it and he said “ My friends are dumb and they need to know “
4. The perish convo:
I remember when I was younger I thought perish was a good word. I was praying with my family one night and I prayed that we would all perish. The silence that filled the room is unforgettable 😂🤣😭
5. The Hangman convo:
[playing Hangman] son: 3! me: It has to be a letter son: Oh. 9! me *looks at wife* Are we cousins?
6. The coffee convo:
2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?” Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.” 2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?” It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..
7. The lasagna convo:
Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.
8. The fireworks convo:
Just told my son they popping fireworks for my birthday and he believed me he said “they really love you daddy” 😂😂😭😭 kids so gullible
9. The eating convo:
3yo: Mom, did you eat all the penis? Me: 3yo: You like penis, mom??? Me: 3yo: Me: 3yo: Me: PEANUTS! Yes, I ate the peanuts. 3yo: You like penis.
10. The dragon convo:
6-year-old: Do dragons fart fire? Me: I don't know. 6: I thought you went to college.
11. The hog convo:
my 10yo has learned the phrase "cranking the hog" but doesn't know what it means, so he uses it to mean "what's up," like yesterday when I was cooking: "how's it going dad, crankin the ol hog?" I love this for my family
12. The teeth convo:
When my son was 4 he saw a commercial that said "brushing alone is not enough to prevent cavities and tooth decay" so he made us start brushing our teeth with him. It's been 3 years. Nobody tell him.
13. The Itchy Man convo:
14. The school convo:
my daughter asked why she can’t just quit school and i told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “i’ll visit you”
15. The nose convo:
My 7 year old: *staring at my face* Me: What is it, sweetie? My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too? Kids are delightful.
16. The searching convo:
5yo asked me to go find something downstairs. I couldn’t find it. 5yo: “I’ve got an idea. This time, go back downstairs and try your best”.
17. The hiding convo:
[How to lose at Hide-and-seek] Me: [eyes closed] 1...2....3..... 4yo: [whispers] Daddy can I hide in your shirt?
18. The growing up convo:
19. The bat convo:
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
20. The meat convo:
21. The hide and go seek convo:
22. The service convo:
23. The sun convo:
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN.... GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
24. The dinner convo:
3: Mommy, I don’t want dinner!! Me: I’m not making dinner, I’m making you a big snack 3: Yay! Snacks! 𝗙𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀
25. The bleach convo:
*Opens bottle of bleach* Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn't open. Me : Oh it's coz it has a child safety lock. Children can't open it. *nephew looks at bottle in amazement* Nephew : How did it know I was a child? 🤣🤣🤣
26. The toast convo:
Toddler: Daddy I want toast. Me: ok, buddy. Here’s some toast. Toddler: I don’t like butter on my toast Me: (flips toast over to the dry side and hands it back) There ya go. Toddler: Thanks Daddy! Toddlers are dumb. Take advantage of it while you can. #Dadlife
27. The counting convo:
28. The fart convo:
29. The Christmas convo:
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.
30. The smell convo:
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss. Me: [mutes TV] what 9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss. Me: ... 9-year old: [hands me a candle jar] Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
31. The drain convo:
32. The souvenir convo:
@Karnythia I woke up to 3 yo kid #4 petting my head. I asked what she needed and she said 'i wish i had a piece of you that i could carry with me all the time. like your finger.' Haven't slept soundly since.
33. The mice convo:
34. The emergency convo:
35. The bedtime convo:
36. The salty convo:
37. The inside convo:
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you? Me: 4: Mom??? Me: What the f- 4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him? Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
38. The crying convo:
(4yo daughter is crying her eyes out) Me: "What's wrong, tutu?" 4yo (moving her hands on the sofa): "If my fingers were markers they would ruin the sofa!" Me: "But your fingers...are not...markers?" 4yo (peak distress): "I said IF!"
39. The table convo:
Kids are the best, man. They get all shocked when you figure out they did something wrong like, “mom how’d you know I colored on the table?” Um, because you wrote your fucking name on it?
40. The salary convo:
4-year-old: Why do you go to work? Me: They pay me a salary. 4-year-old: Me: 4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
41. The Target convo:
42. The walls convo:
43. The glasses convo:
We cant find my 6 year olds glasses. Today we asked him where they are. He said and I quote “I threw them in the garbage yesterday, the lenses were dirty”. $400 - see yeah!
44. The Disney convo:
45. The punch convo:
My daughter just punched me so hard in the balls and won't apologise. She just said "Well I dunno", and walked off. Quarantine is going awesome.
46. The chicken convo:
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?” - my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
47. The quesadilla convo:
48. The scale convo:
49. The air convo:
My son keeps grabbing fists of air and screaming ‘mine’. My daughter is crying saying Tj is stealing my air....they are in my bedroom, on a Saturday morning....😪😪😪
50. And the confetti convo:
Deck quotation via here.