1. Because you’ll meet new people:
2. And make friendships that will last a lifetime:
3. And you’ll try new things:
4. Too complicated? Let me break it down for you:
5. Get it yet?
6. Things may get weird:
7. Because today the haters won’t get you down:
Just roll your eyes at them:
And leave them in the dust:
8. You’ll take center stage:
9. And Facebook won’t think you’re a knee:
10. A man named “Tooty” will not hit on you:
11. And you’ll help those that need you the most:
12. And solve your problems that need solving:
13. And you’ll accomplish your dreams:
14. And this WILL NOT happen to you:
Definitely not this:
And especially not this:
15. So be open-minded:
16. Not close-minded:
And this will NEVER EVER HAPPEN again:
17. So suit up:
18. Get on board:
19. Picture a still-fat Jonah Hill:
20. Be glad that you had cereal for breakfast instead:
22. And look at this picture of a dog getting hit in the crotch with a tennis ball:
Now say it with me: TODAY WILL BE THE BEST DAY EVER!
- Obama shortened Chelsea Manning's 35-year sentence for leaking documents to WikiLeaks. She'll be freed in May.
- A former "Apprentice" contestant has filed a lawsuit against Trump for calling her a liar over sexual assault allegations.
- Birth control startups are seeing a spike in demand because many women are nervous coverage under Obamacare will disappear.
- You can now dig through the CIA's secret history. 12 millions declassified docs are on the internet for all to see 🤓📚