This week I attended the Westminster Dog Show, America's #1 purebreed dog competition.
1. Dog breeders use the word "bitch" alot.
2. Patty Hearst's dog and President Obama's dog's cousin were both finalists.
3. Dog Handlers have very peculiar fashion customs.
4. Champion dogs have bizarre names, such as:
5. Some people don't feel weird about grabbing a dog's junk.
6. If you replaced all the dogs with humans, it would be the most horrifying event ever.
Like a Miss America pageant crossed with Triumph of the Will.
7. There's a Hungarian dog called a Komondor that looks like the three-way lovechild of an albino Rasta, a janitor's mop, and some shredded documents.
8. And a whole bunch of other dog breeds I've never heard of.
9. The greatest skills of champion dogs seem to be having perfect hair and the ability to not freak out in a stressful situation.
10. Even the best-trained Bull Terriers in the country still scare the hell out of me.
11. It's possible to have hundreds of dogs in one room and not hear a single bark.
12. It's apparently OK to pick up little dogs by their tails?
13. Thousands of people will applaud for a dog walking around in a circle.
