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Since "Clue" Turns 30 This Year, Here's Our Dream Reboot

The real mystery is why hasn't this happened yet?

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This December, the board game-inspired Clue will celebrate it's 30th Anniversary — and rise from commercial flop to cult-classic.

Paramount Pictures

Regardless of how you feel about remakes, they're a reality. So why hasn't it been remade yet?

Not that we necessarily want to mess with a classic (we're on the record as being HUGE Clue fans at BuzzFeed), but in a post-Battleship, pre-Ghostbusters reboot movie landscape, it boggles the mind that an ensemble comedy centered around a parlor murder mystery with a household name title, existing product tie-ins, and six or more heavily branded characters hasn't been remade AT LEAST once in the 30 years since Clue and it's three endings were released theatrically.

With that in mind, here's our dream cast for the inevitable (probably soon) remake of Clue.

Wadsworth: Sacha Baron Cohen

We didn't overthink this one. Tim Curry is a perfect comedic performer, whose blend of deadpan and zaniness, with just a little danger, makes him effortlessly funny, sexy, lovable, and villainous. The duties of humble butler and master of ceremonies for the evening falls to Borat's Sacha Baron Cohen, an all-too-perfect fit for Wadsworth, the ringmaster of this farce.

Favorite Murder Weapon: As in the original, the pistol.

Mrs. White: Amy Poehler

Madeline Kahn is so irreplaceable that we thought about going back to Mrs. White's board game roots as dowdy old maid, but then we realized that if anyone could make us feel flames on the side of our face (in a good way) it's Amy Poehler. We poached the grieving widow backstory for Mrs. Peacock (see below) and took inspiration from Poehler's Parks & Rec ambitions to promote the 2015 Mrs. White from nuclear physicist's wife to Congresswoman. Which isn't to say that she hasn't murdered anyone, she just has that much more to lose if she's discovered.

Favorite Murder Weapon: Chief of Staff.

Miss Scarlet: Kerry Washington

Clue's designated femme fatale. In the movie version, Miss Scarlet is the madame of a Washington D.C. brothel, keeping every dirty secret in a town full of them. Who better to take the reins than Scandal's Olivia Pope, who is a natural in the world of political backstabbing and, unlike her movie counterpart, doesn't mind actually slipping into a red dress for the occasion.

Favorite Murder Weapon: The knife. It's the easiest to hide in a garter.


Mr. Green: Seth Rogen

Get it? Okay, we'll spell it out. The Mr. Green of 2015 was a low-level dealer who became a multimillionaire when he went legit in California's legalized marijuana boom — hence the nickname. Seth Rogen's version is a "legitimate businessman" who will do anything to expand his territory, whether it's lobbying politicians for exclusive dispensary licenses, to taking out rivals from his past days as a humble home-growing hustler. Luckily, his life of crime is behind him; it's nice to have a little money in your pocket, and associate with a finer class of people who aren't looking to stab you in the back at any moment.

Favorite Murder Weapon: Arsenic Vaporizer

Professor Plum: Aziz Ansari

Blustery and bespectacled, surely no-one suspects the absent-minded professor to get his hands dirty. The modern Professor Plum has been toiling away in academia while his peers — the Mark Zuckerbergs of the world — turn their genius into vast fortunes. He might have a few articles to his name, and perhaps more than a few dalliances with grad students to cover up. After all, he's a cool young guy himself. Right? Right?

Favorite Murder Weapon: The Candlestick. You can't beat that old-school class.

Colonel Mustard: Tilda Swinton

Like the gas. The Colonel Mustard of 2015 is a high-ranking member of British Intelligence, hardened by a decade of shadowy dealings with the Afghan warlords. She has seen and done terrible things, necessary things, for God and country — and profit. The mystery is not whether or not she is capable of murder, but whether she was capable of murder this evening.

Favorite Murder Weapon: Drone.

Mrs. Peacock: Salma Hayek

Mrs. Peacock is tragically a widow — six times over. Her millionaire husbands have fallen to every malady from mercury poisoning (must have eaten too much lobster) to spontaneous zeppelin explosions (we could've sworn those fuel lines were secure). So beautiful, so tragic, so completely, totally, demonstrably innocent of all wrongdoing. This beautiful bird is just looking for a new perch. Maybe a house with it's own conservatory.

Favorite Murder Weapon: Poison. Why mess with a classic?


The Help: Joe Manganiello

Clue's coquettish French maid, Yvette, was a bubbly pin-up for the VHS generation, but in our modern update, she'll be replaced with statuesque manservant, Pierre, who knows his job is to tidy up unfortunate messes and be seen rather than heard. When there's a murderer on the loose, it doesn't hurt to have a little muscle by your side. Or does it?

Favorite Murder Weapon: His impressive hands.

The Singing Telegram Woman: Gwyneth Paltrow

A great role for a cameo appearance by an A-list star. Gwyneth Paltrow loves to sing in movies, and some (not all, but some) viewers might only be able to take about three seconds before wishing she'd get shot. Everybody wins!

The Victim: Brad Pitt

Since our host and victim is a small, but pivotal role, it calls out for stunt casting. Why not aim high? Brad Pitt is the perfect choice to play a man so wealthy and eccentric that he might build a house full of secret passages and then invite a gaggle of his potential murderers over for dinner and cocktails. Most of his part could be played by a facedown lifeless dummy. Assuming of course, he's actually dead. After all, this is a movie version of Clue — and any ending is possible.

Favorite Murder Weapon: Inevitability.

Agree? Disagree? Have your own suggestions? Let us know in the comments below. Clue celebrates it's 30th anniversary December 13th, and is streaming on Netflix right now.