If Kylo Ren Were The Main Character In "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"
There has been an awakening in the feels.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
With the village captured, Kylo Ren touches down.
"Anakin wept, what a shithole."
"I'll never give you the map, Kylo Ren."
"Chill the fuck out, Father Merrin."
"My name is Lor San Tekka, not that it's ever mentioned."
"Well fuck me gently with a lightsaber, thanks for the heads up."
Kylo legit murders Father Merrin, ending what is essentially a pointless cameo by a beloved actor.
This guy, who is almost definitely named Captain Handsome, tries to kill Kylo.
"What's with the mask there, chief? Are we cosplaying?"
This sad Stormtrooper, marked with the blood of his fallen comrade, is having some doubts about his role in the fascist military organisation he was sold into.
Back on the Star Destroyer, Captain Handsome is in for a treat.
"After my band broke up I wasn't sure what direction to take my music, but I think I'm really on to something here."
"It's good. It's no 'Konstantine', but it's good."
"The second track is called 'I'm in an Ice Moon Prison of Emotion' – I think it's the single."
"But we'll get to that later. For now why don't you tell me where the map is?"
"So... many... emotions... you're so misunderstood!"
Everyone breaks eventually, even Captain Handsome.
But this guy, whose name no one is really sure how to pronounce, isn't impressed.
"Do try not to poke me with your genocide boner."
Meanwhile, Sad Trooper is rescuing Captain Handsome.
"I'm Poe Dameron. I can fly anything."
"Flying a TIE fighter. Don't worry, I like it hard."
"Well in that case it's hard."
The beautiful friends steal a TIE fighter and make their escape.
"The prisoner has escaped. He had help."
"-2187. Yes, I know. What I don't know is this: How do I pronounce your name?"
"It's pronounced 'Donal'."
"It's Donal. Donal. Doh-nal."
On Jakku, Sad Trooper, whose name is now Finn, has crash-landed.
Luckily, he meets a scavenger named Rey, who has BB-8.
Until they're attacked by the First Order, forcing them to make a daring escape in the Millennium Falcon, which is just lying around.
This unfortunate chap is tasked with breaking the news to Kylo.
"A girl?! In this galaxy? Inconceivable. I feel a song coming on."
"Demo, sir? It was really very good, yes."
"Oh, wonderful! I'm so pleased."
"I'd have to say track 3, Sir."
"It's not that I didn't want to listen, Sir."
Angry at mention of his former band, Kylo destroys his Pro Tools console. His third this month.
"I'm sure your demo is very good, Sir."
"I'm so misunderstood."
Leader Snoke – who, rumour has it, has cheated death – is annoyed about the lack of action.
"The weapon is ready. Let me fire the weapon."
"Oh sure, any excuse to murder billions of people."
"Donald, you've been playing with your gun long enough."
"I was kinda wondering, you know..."
"Oh must we do this now, Kylo?"
"No, I promise. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I will walk the shit out of that dog."
"But we're the dark side, Kylo. We can't have dogs running around sniffing everything, being generally jolly."
Leader Snoke fakes a faulty line to end the call.
In a move Chekhov himself couldn't have foreshadowed better, the First Order finally fire their massive weapon.
Donald watches with glee, and an erection.
Kylo, watching from the deck of a Star Destroyer, is forced to confront one of his many, many emotions.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of Donald is that good men do nothing."
Kylo is having an identity crisis.
"I want what they have. I want beautiful friendship."
"There's a girl, you see."
When Kylo learns the droid is on Takodana, he leads a garrison of Stormtroopers in an assault to finally capture it.
Rey has fled into the forest with BB-8. Kylo sets out in pursuit.
Kylo quickly tracks her down.
"I'm Kylo Ren. And I want the droid."
"Dude, are you fucking serious right now?"
"Wait, what? Really?"
"What's the point in all this power if I don't use it to my advantage?"
Realising she's seen the map, Kylo uses the Force to knock Rey unconscious and carries her aboard his ship.
With Rey captured, Han, Finn, and Chewie retreat to Resistance HQ, where a reunion takes place.
"Oh Captain! My Captain! It's really you!"
"No. They just couldn't work out to do with me for an hour. It's never really explained and people are easily distracted."
Meanwhile, on Starkiller Base.
"I call this one 'I Killed the Little Boy I Used to Be' – it's about loneliness and isolation."
"It's no 'Cute Without the E' but it's OK, I suppose."
"This is my favourite part of the song."
"What's to misunderstand?"
"You'd never have talked to me if I hadn't brought you here."
"I know you're all out there, laughing at me."
"I said no! You think you're misunderstood? I see you, Kylo Ren. I see you, so scared, so alone."
"But how did you..."
Shaken by Rey's use of the Force, Kylo seeks advice from Snoke.
"Really? Negging feels a little '00s."
Rey uses her burgeoning forcuality to trick the guard – DNL-C341G – into releasing the restraints.
Meanwhile, the Resistance are plotting to destroy Starkiller Base before it destroys them.
Once on Starkiller Base, Han, Chewie, and Finn meet up with Rey, and disable the shields.
Han and Chewie start laying explosives in the oscillator.
Sensing their presence, Kylo shows up to intercept them.
"It’s OK, Son."
"Snoke keeps delaying my training. I can't cure you without his help."
"Maybe I’ve asked too much."
"I’m close. I promise."
"It's spread, Ben."
"There's no time. Luke made his choice. He won't help me. He has the power but he won't do it."
"I know what I need to do."
"It's OK, son. I'm here."
With his father's thumb guiding his, Kylo pushes the switch on the hilt of his saber.
"I'll bring you back, Dad. I promise."
"Remember what we used to say."
As Han falls from the footbridge, Kylo hears his father utter three final words:
Distraught, Uncle Chewie shoots Kylo with his bowcaster.
And the Beautiful Friendship Gang weep for the loss of a man they barely knew.
Chewie blows the charges and the trio make a hasty retreat.
Kylo runs and meets them outside.
The Beautiful Friendship Gang refuse to listen.
"You don't even know me, bro."
Injured and emotional, Kylo lets his rage get the better of him.
Finn, who has Luke Skywalker's lightsaber for some reason, is ready for a fight.
"I'm trying to explain. Don't do this."
But Finn doesn't listen, and despite his years of weapons training, Kylo overpowers him, seriously injuring his back.
Meanwhile, Captain Handsome is having a hard time finding a way to stop the weapon. Luckily he likes it hard.
With the weapon fully charged, Captain Handsome finally penetrates the hole Chewie blew in the oscillator.
Rey wakes up and takes Luke's lightsaber.
As the planet crumbles around them, Kylo and Rey duel.
"And I’m doing what I have to to stop you."
"This isn't about ethics in Force radicalism."
Embracing her power, Rey gains the momentum.
"This is for Han Solo. He deserved so much better."
"And most of all, it's for me."
As Rey and Finn escape, Kylo lies beaten, his wake a trail of adolescent confusion, musical differences, and bad decisions.
He's friendless and alone on an Ice Moon Prison of Emotion.
But perhaps all is not lost. In defeat it seems Kylo may finally get what he wants most.
"It's time to complete his training."
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