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If Kylo Ren Were The Main Character In "Star Wars: The Force Awakens"

There has been an awakening in the feels.

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Lucasfilm / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Disney / Via starwars.com

With the village captured, Kylo Ren touches down.

"Sup, boners."
Lucasfilm

"Sup, boners."

"Anakin wept, what a shithole."

"Who do you have to murder with a blaster pistol to get a Red Bull around here?"
Lucasfilm

"Who do you have to murder with a blaster pistol to get a Red Bull around here?"

"I'll never give you the map, Kylo Ren."

"I knew you before you listened to Dashboard Confessional, you know."
Lucasfilm

"I knew you before you listened to Dashboard Confessional, you know."

"Chill the fuck out, Father Merrin."

"Does this fuckshow have a 7-Eleven or what?"
Lucasfilm

"Does this fuckshow have a 7-Eleven or what?"

"My name is Lor San Tekka, not that it's ever mentioned."

"And I don't drink Red Bull, it's bad for you."
Lucasfilm

"And I don't drink Red Bull, it's bad for you."

"Well fuck me gently with a lightsaber, thanks for the heads up."

"Exorcise this, douche."
Lucasfilm

"Exorcise this, douche."

Kylo legit murders Father Merrin, ending what is essentially a pointless cameo by a beloved actor.

"The power of caffeine compels me, bro."
Lucasfilm

"The power of caffeine compels me, bro."

This guy, who is almost definitely named Captain Handsome, tries to kill Kylo.

But he catches the blaster bolt in midair like an absolute legend.
Lucasfilm

But he catches the blaster bolt in midair like an absolute legend.

"What's with the mask there, chief? Are we cosplaying?"

"What did you come as, Darth Lamer?"
Lucasfilm

"What did you come as, Darth Lamer?"

"Bonerssaywhat?"

Lucasfilm

"What?"

"Hey wait a second..."
Lucasfilm

"Hey wait a second..."

"Lol."

"Put him on the ship."
Lucasfilm

"Put him on the ship."

This sad Stormtrooper, marked with the blood of his fallen comrade, is having some doubts about his role in the fascist military organisation he was sold into.

"Yeah I'm not super into this, tbh."
Lucasfilm

"Yeah I'm not super into this, tbh."

Back on the Star Destroyer, Captain Handsome is in for a treat.

He's about to get a sneak peek at Kylo Ren's new demo.
Lucasfilm

He's about to get a sneak peek at Kylo Ren's new demo.

"After my band broke up I wasn't sure what direction to take my music, but I think I'm really on to something here."

"This song I call 'Fuck you, Dad'. It's a banger."
Lucasfilm

"This song I call 'Fuck you, Dad'. It's a banger."

"It's good. It's no 'Konstantine', but it's good."

"I like the way you rhyme 'feeling kinda blue' with 'I fucking hate you'. Subtle."
Lucasfilm

"I like the way you rhyme 'feeling kinda blue' with 'I fucking hate you'. Subtle."

"The second track is called 'I'm in an Ice Moon Prison of Emotion' – I think it's the single."

"It's about a guy on a secret mission who can't tell anyone about it and all the feelings he has. It's totally not based on me."
Lucasfilm

"It's about a guy on a secret mission who can't tell anyone about it and all the feelings he has. It's totally not based on me."

"But we'll get to that later. For now why don't you tell me where the map is?"

"Here, let me share some of my feelings with you."
Lucasfilm

"Here, let me share some of my feelings with you."

"So... many... emotions... you're so misunderstood!"

"Stop, please. I'll tell you what you need to know."
Lucasfilm

"Stop, please. I'll tell you what you need to know."

Everyone breaks eventually, even Captain Handsome.

"The map is in the droid."
Lucasfilm

"The map is in the droid."

But this guy, whose name no one is really sure how to pronounce, isn't impressed.

"Droid schmoid. The weapon is almost ready. What do you think about that?"
Lucasfilm

"Droid schmoid. The weapon is almost ready. What do you think about that?"

"Do try not to poke me with your genocide boner."

"I'm off to work on my EP. Call me when you find the droid."
Lucasfilm

"I'm off to work on my EP. Call me when you find the droid."

Meanwhile, Sad Trooper is rescuing Captain Handsome.

"Can you fly a TIE fighter? 'Cos I'm breaking us out of here."
Lucasfilm

"Can you fly a TIE fighter? 'Cos I'm breaking us out of here."

"I'm Poe Dameron. I can fly anything."

"I have just one question for you... is it hard?"
Lucasfilm

"I have just one question for you... is it hard?"

"H-hard?"

"Is what hard?"
Lucasfilm

"Is what hard?"

"Flying a TIE fighter. Don't worry, I like it hard."

"The harder the better."
Lucasfilm

"The harder the better."

"Well in that case it's hard."

"It's really hard."
Lucasfilm

"It's really hard."

The beautiful friends steal a TIE fighter and make their escape.

"Oh boy, this is hard. Good and hard."
Lucasfilm

"Oh boy, this is hard. Good and hard."

"The prisoner has escaped. He had help."

"One of ours, FN-"
Lucasfilm

"One of ours, FN-"

"-2187. Yes, I know. What I don't know is this: How do I pronounce your name?"

"Domernal? Doverall? Dommernarnia?"
Lucasfilm

"Domernal? Doverall? Dommernarnia?"

"It's pronounced 'Donal'."

"The m and the h are silent."
Lucasfilm

"The m and the h are silent."

"Donald. Got it."

"Doh-nuld."
Lucasfilm

"Doh-nuld."

"It's Donal. Donal. Doh-nal."

"Do I have to fucking spell it for you?"
Lucasfilm

"Do I have to fucking spell it for you?"

Lucasfilm
Lucasfilm

"More like Dumnhall."

"Lol I crack myself up."
Lucasfilm

"Lol I crack myself up."

On Jakku, Sad Trooper, whose name is now Finn, has crash-landed.

When he wakes up, Captain Handsome is nowhere to be found.
Lucasfilm

When he wakes up, Captain Handsome is nowhere to be found.

Luckily, he meets a scavenger named Rey, who has BB-8.

It's the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Once again, Finn is a happy trooper.
Lucasfilm

It's the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Once again, Finn is a happy trooper.

Until they're attacked by the First Order, forcing them to make a daring escape in the Millennium Falcon, which is just lying around.

And which, despite rusting for years in a Jakku junkyard without explanation, starts without much effort and is relatively easy to fly.
Lucasfilm

And which, despite rusting for years in a Jakku junkyard without explanation, starts without much effort and is relatively easy to fly.

This unfortunate chap is tasked with breaking the news to Kylo.

"There was a girl, Sir."
Lucasfilm

"There was a girl, Sir."

"A girl?! In this galaxy? Inconceivable. I feel a song coming on."

"Speaking of which, what did you think of that demo I gave you?"
Lucasfilm

"Speaking of which, what did you think of that demo I gave you?"

"Demo, sir? It was really very good, yes."

"Great, even."
Lucasfilm

"Great, even."

"Oh, wonderful! I'm so pleased."

"Which was your favourite track?"
Lucasfilm

"Which was your favourite track?"

"I'd have to say track 3, Sir."

"I thought the beats, were, if you'll permit me to say, Sir, rather sick."
Lucasfilm

"I thought the beats, were, if you'll permit me to say, Sir, rather sick."

"Track 3?!"

"It was a two-track demo!"
Lucasfilm

"It was a two-track demo!"

"It's not that I didn't want to listen, Sir."

"It's just. All the men, Sir. We miss the Knights of Ren."
Lucasfilm

"It's just. All the men, Sir. We miss the Knights of Ren."

Angry at mention of his former band, Kylo destroys his Pro Tools console. His third this month.

"I don't need those losers! I'm literally a Solo artist!"
Lucasfilm

"I don't need those losers! I'm literally a Solo artist!"

"I'm sure your demo is very good, Sir."

"I'll listen to it right away."
Lucasfilm

"I'll listen to it right away."

"I'm so misunderstood."

"So full of emotion. So emo, one might say."
Lucasfilm

"So full of emotion. So emo, one might say."

Leader Snoke – who, rumour has it, has cheated death – is annoyed about the lack of action.

"Where's the goddamn droid?"
Lucasfilm

"Where's the goddamn droid?"

"The weapon is ready. Let me fire the weapon."

"Did I mention I really, really want to fire the weapon?"
Lucasfilm

"Did I mention I really, really want to fire the weapon?"

"Oh sure, any excuse to murder billions of people."

"I can see your erection from here."
Lucasfilm

"I can see your erection from here."

"Donald, you've been playing with your gun long enough."

"Time to shoot it."
Lucasfilm

"Time to shoot it."

"Yes, Kylo."

"Was there anything else."
Lucasfilm

"Was there anything else."

"I was kinda wondering, you know..."

"Have you had chance to think about the dog thing?"
Lucasfilm

"Have you had chance to think about the dog thing?"

"Oh must we do this now, Kylo?"

"Who will walk this dog you so desperately want, eh? Me, that's who. You'll be bored after five minutes and then I'll have to walk it and pick up its shit."
Lucasfilm

"Who will walk this dog you so desperately want, eh? Me, that's who. You'll be bored after five minutes and then I'll have to walk it and pick up its shit."

"No, I promise. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I will walk the shit out of that dog."

"Come on, you won't regret it. Please?"
Lucasfilm

"Come on, you won't regret it. Please?"

"But we're the dark side, Kylo. We can't have dogs running around sniffing everything, being generally jolly."

"Perhaps you could get a cat?"
Lucasfilm

"Perhaps you could get a cat?"

Leader Snoke fakes a faulty line to end the call.

"Kylo, Kylo, can you hear me? Sorry, must be a bad connection. Bye."
Lucasfilm

"Kylo, Kylo, can you hear me? Sorry, must be a bad connection. Bye."

In a move Chekhov himself couldn't have foreshadowed better, the First Order finally fire their massive weapon.

Nothing quite like the smell of interplanetary genocide in the morning.
Lucasfilm

Nothing quite like the smell of interplanetary genocide in the morning.

Donald watches with glee, and an erection.

"Kylo was right: full-on genocide boner."
Lucasfilm

"Kylo was right: full-on genocide boner."

Kylo, watching from the deck of a Star Destroyer, is forced to confront one of his many, many emotions.

Guilt.
Lucasfilm

Guilt.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of Donald is that good men do nothing."

"But I am not a good man. I can't be... can I?"
Lucasfilm

"But I am not a good man. I can't be... can I?"

Kylo is having an identity crisis.

"There has been an awakening in my feels."
Lucasfilm

"There has been an awakening in my feels."

"I want what they have. I want beautiful friendship."

"And a dog."
Lucasfilm

"And a dog."

"Help me, Grandfather."

"I need your guidance."
Lucasfilm

"I need your guidance."

"There's a girl, you see."

"And no one's ever told me how to talk to girls."
Lucasfilm

"And no one's ever told me how to talk to girls."

When Kylo learns the droid is on Takodana, he leads a garrison of Stormtroopers in an assault to finally capture it.

And, you know, maybe meet this girl he's heard so much about.
Lucasfilm

And, you know, maybe meet this girl he's heard so much about.

Rey has fled into the forest with BB-8. Kylo sets out in pursuit.

"Brb, boners. Try not to get your asses kicked by my dad while I'm gone."
Lucasfilm

"Brb, boners. Try not to get your asses kicked by my dad while I'm gone."

Kylo quickly tracks her down.

"Who are you. What do you want?"
Lucasfilm

"Who are you. What do you want?"

"I'm Kylo Ren. And I want the droid."

"Also... do you have a boyfriend?"
Lucasfilm

"Also... do you have a boyfriend?"

"Dude, are you fucking serious right now?"

"You can't terrorise a girl, hold her captive in some kind of forcefield, and then ask her out."
Lucasfilm

"You can't terrorise a girl, hold her captive in some kind of forcefield, and then ask her out."

"Wait, what? Really?"

"But it's called the Force... not the Please and Thank You."
Lucasfilm

"But it's called the Force... not the Please and Thank You."

"What's the point in all this power if I don't use it to my advantage?"

"Also, you should probably tell me where the droid is."
Lucasfilm

"Also, you should probably tell me where the droid is."

Realising she's seen the map, Kylo uses the Force to knock Rey unconscious and carries her aboard his ship.

His first conversation with a girl went pretty well, he thought.
Lucasfilm

His first conversation with a girl went pretty well, he thought.

With Rey captured, Han, Finn, and Chewie retreat to Resistance HQ, where a reunion takes place.

Lucasfilm
Lucasfilm

"Oh Captain! My Captain! It's really you!"

"I thought you were dead."
Lucasfilm

"I thought you were dead."

"No. They just couldn't work out to do with me for an hour. It's never really explained and people are easily distracted."

"Hey! Is that my jacket? It looks good on you."
Lucasfilm

"Hey! Is that my jacket? It looks good on you."

"You..."

"You can be my wingman any time."
Lucasfilm

"You can be my wingman any time."

"Bullshit."

"You can be mine."
Lucasfilm

"You can be mine."

Meanwhile, on Starkiller Base.

Rey is being treated to a new song.
Lucasfilm

Rey is being treated to a new song.

"I call this one 'I Killed the Little Boy I Used to Be' – it's about loneliness and isolation."

"I'm gonna release it under the name RIP Solo, what do you think?"
Lucasfilm

"I'm gonna release it under the name RIP Solo, what do you think?"

"It's no 'Cute Without the E' but it's OK, I suppose."

"Why don't you take off that mask? You look like a hairdryer."
Lucasfilm

"Why don't you take off that mask? You look like a hairdryer."

"This is my favourite part of the song."

"'Under this hood, do-do-do, I'm so misunderstood.'"
Lucasfilm

"'Under this hood, do-do-do, I'm so misunderstood.'"

"What's to misunderstand?"

"You kidnap, torture, commit crimes against music."
Lucasfilm

"You kidnap, torture, commit crimes against music."

"You'd never have talked to me if I hadn't brought you here."

"Don't lie, I know you wouldn't."
Lucasfilm

"Don't lie, I know you wouldn't."

"I know you're all out there, laughing at me."

"Now, show me where Skywalker is."
Lucasfilm

"Now, show me where Skywalker is."

"I said no! You think you're misunderstood? I see you, Kylo Ren. I see you, so scared, so alone."

"You're not misunderstood. You're an asshole."
Lucasfilm

"You're not misunderstood. You're an asshole."

"But how did you..."

"I AM THE ONE WHO PROBES!"
Lucasfilm

"I AM THE ONE WHO PROBES!"

Shaken by Rey's use of the Force, Kylo seeks advice from Snoke.

"Did you try making fun of her? I'm told that always works."
Lucasfilm

"Did you try making fun of her? I'm told that always works."

"Really? Negging feels a little '00s."

"Maybe I should just favourite all her tweets and never talk to her?"
Lucasfilm

"Maybe I should just favourite all her tweets and never talk to her?"

Rey uses her burgeoning forcuality to trick the guard – DNL-C341G – into releasing the restraints.

"Psst. Spectre was a bit shit."
Lucasfilm

"Psst. Spectre was a bit shit."

Meanwhile, the Resistance are plotting to destroy Starkiller Base before it destroys them.

"We all saw Episode IV, let's just do that."
Lucasfilm

"We all saw Episode IV, let's just do that."

Oh look, Greg Grunberg.

Hi, Greg.
Lucasfilm

Hi, Greg.

Once on Starkiller Base, Han, Chewie, and Finn meet up with Rey, and disable the shields.

As they're leaving, they see that Captain Handsome is struggling, so they decide to stay and help. By blowing shit up.
Lucasfilm

As they're leaving, they see that Captain Handsome is struggling, so they decide to stay and help. By blowing shit up.

Han and Chewie start laying explosives in the oscillator.

Not a euphemism.
Lucasfilm

Not a euphemism.

Sensing their presence, Kylo shows up to intercept them.

"Father."
Lucasfilm

"Father."

"Ben."

"Have you done it, Son? Have you found the cure?"
Lucasfilm

"Have you done it, Son? Have you found the cure?"

"Not yet, Father."

"I’m not ready."
Lucasfilm

"I’m not ready."

"It’s OK, Son."

"It's all going to be OK."
Lucasfilm

"It's all going to be OK."

"Snoke keeps delaying my training. I can't cure you without his help."

"The burden is... it's so much to carry."
Lucasfilm

"The burden is... it's so much to carry."

"Maybe I’ve asked too much."

"Is life too much to ask for?"
Lucasfilm

"Is life too much to ask for?"

"I’m close. I promise."

"I'll complete my training soon–"
Lucasfilm

"I'll complete my training soon–"

"It's spread, Ben."

"The doctor says it’s spread. I’ve got a week, maybe two."
Lucasfilm

"The doctor says it’s spread. I’ve got a week, maybe two."

"No, Dad."

"If I can just find Uncle Luke we can–"
Lucasfilm

"If I can just find Uncle Luke we can–"

"There's no time. Luke made his choice. He won't help me. He has the power but he won't do it."

"I’m Han Goddamn Solo. I don’t go out like this. I don’t fade away."
Lucasfilm

"I’m Han Goddamn Solo. I don’t go out like this. I don’t fade away."

"I know what I need to do."

"But I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it."
Lucasfilm

"But I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it."

"It's OK, son. I'm here."

"We'll do it together."
Lucasfilm

"We'll do it together."

With his father's thumb guiding his, Kylo pushes the switch on the hilt of his saber.

It's done.
Lucasfilm

It's done.

"I'll bring you back, Dad. I promise."

"Snoke will show me how."
Lucasfilm

"Snoke will show me how."

"Remember what we used to say."

"When you were growing up."
Lucasfilm

"When you were growing up."

"I love you."

Lucasfilm

"I know."

Lucasfilm

As Han falls from the footbridge, Kylo hears his father utter three final words:

"I. Shot. Ffffirst."
Lucasfilm

"I. Shot. Ffffirst."

Distraught, Uncle Chewie shoots Kylo with his bowcaster.

"[Pained roar]"
Lucasfilm

"[Pained roar]"

And the Beautiful Friendship Gang weep for the loss of a man they barely knew.

Sad troopers.
Lucasfilm

Sad troopers.

Chewie blows the charges and the trio make a hasty retreat.

"[Retreating roar]"
Lucasfilm

"[Retreating roar]"

Kylo runs and meets them outside.

"It's not what you think."
Lucasfilm

"It's not what you think."

The Beautiful Friendship Gang refuse to listen.

"You're a monster."
Lucasfilm

"You're a monster."

"You don't even know me, bro."

"You don't know my struggle!"
Lucasfilm

"You don't know my struggle!"

Injured and emotional, Kylo lets his rage get the better of him.

His Force push throws Rey into a tree.
Lucasfilm

His Force push throws Rey into a tree.

Finn, who has Luke Skywalker's lightsaber for some reason, is ready for a fight.

"You're gonna pay for that."
Lucasfilm

"You're gonna pay for that."

"I'm trying to explain. Don't do this."

"I don't want to hurt you."
Lucasfilm

"I don't want to hurt you."

But Finn doesn't listen, and despite his years of weapons training, Kylo overpowers him, seriously injuring his back.

"I told you. I don't want to do this."
Lucasfilm

"I told you. I don't want to do this."

Meanwhile, Captain Handsome is having a hard time finding a way to stop the weapon. Luckily he likes it hard.

"Cover me, I'm going in. I'm going in hard."
Lucasfilm

"Cover me, I'm going in. I'm going in hard."

"Damn, Dameron."

"Back at it again with the flight plans."
Lucasfilm

"Back at it again with the flight plans."

With the weapon fully charged, Captain Handsome finally penetrates the hole Chewie blew in the oscillator.

Once inside, he blows his payload deep into that fucker, starting a chain reaction that destabilises the planet.
Lucasfilm

Once inside, he blows his payload deep into that fucker, starting a chain reaction that destabilises the planet.

Rey wakes up and takes Luke's lightsaber.

"You ever dance with the devil in the blue saber light?"
Lucasfilm

"You ever dance with the devil in the blue saber light?"

As the planet crumbles around them, Kylo and Rey duel.

"I was doing what I had to do!"
Lucasfilm

"I was doing what I had to do!"

"And I’m doing what I have to to stop you."

"You’ve killed people. A lot of people."
Lucasfilm

"You’ve killed people. A lot of people."

"This isn't about ethics in Force radicalism."

"I was trying to save someone I love!"
Lucasfilm

"I was trying to save someone I love!"

Embracing her power, Rey gains the momentum.

"That doesn’t make it right."
Lucasfilm

"That doesn’t make it right."

"This is for Han Solo. He deserved so much better."

"And this for Finn. The kindest, bravest man I've ever met."
Lucasfilm

"And this for Finn. The kindest, bravest man I've ever met."

"And most of all, it's for me."

"You don't get to scare me any more."
Lucasfilm

"You don't get to scare me any more."

As Rey and Finn escape, Kylo lies beaten, his wake a trail of adolescent confusion, musical differences, and bad decisions.

His father is dead, his demo was shit, and any chance at redemption is seemingly beyond reach.
Lucasfilm

His father is dead, his demo was shit, and any chance at redemption is seemingly beyond reach.

He's friendless and alone on an Ice Moon Prison of Emotion.

Talk about life imitating art.
Lucasfilm

Talk about life imitating art.

But perhaps all is not lost. In defeat it seems Kylo may finally get what he wants most.

"Abandon the planet and bring Kylo Ren to me."
Lucasfilm

"Abandon the planet and bring Kylo Ren to me."

"It's time to complete his training."

"And maybe get him that puppy."
Lucasfilm

"And maybe get him that puppy."

To be continued...

Lucasfilm / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed / Via moonionaire.tumblr.com