This Is What It's Like To Watch "Frozen" For The First Time
Let it snow.
It's been over a year since Frozen came out, and I'd never seen it. So this week I decided to watch it for the first time and live-tweet it.
I actually tried to watch it once before, but I was super jetlagged and fell asleep after 10 minutes.
The film opens with some Lion King-style chanting, which then gives way to a good ol' Disney slave song.
We also learn that ice is "stronger than 100 men" and that we have to "beware the frozen heart".
This is still a Disney film, so we get an implausibly cute kid/reindeer combo to distract from the Exposition Song.
Then we meet Anna, who is trying to wake her older sister, Elsa, because she can't sleep "when the sky's awake".
Elsa is resisting fine, until Anna utters the magic words.
See, it turns out Elsa has magic powers: She can make ice and snow!
Spoiler: It does not end well, as Elsa accidentally hits Anna with some ice magic.
To save Anna, the King and Queen take her and Elsa to see the Trolls.
The Trolls, who unlike their YouTube counterparts are nice and friendly, agree to help.
Dr Troll tells Elsa she must learn to control her burgeoning womanhood, as there is beauty in it, but also danger.
Until Elsa can learn to control her "ice powers", the King and Queen lock down the castle.
Even "D'you wanna build a snowman?" no longer works, and Anna, unaware of the dangers of female agency – I mean "ice powers" – has no idea why.
Elsa gets some gloves to wear, and not for fashion.
The King and Queen decide to go on a cruise.
Anna is now a teenager, and no longer wants to get up at the crack of dawn.
It's Elsa's coronation day, which prompts Anna to ask the big questions.
She's not sure if she's elated or gassy.
Meanwhile Elsa is reminding herself to be the good girl.
Anna is running around excited for the party.
He introduces himself as Prince Hans of the Southern Isles, and Anna is all *swoon*.
The coronation goes without a hitch, and at the ball, Elsa finally speaks to Anna.
And they bond over true witchcraft:
But because two women can't have fun together at a ball without being pestered, Anna is made to dance with the Duke of Weaseltown.
Hans whisks Anna away, and they confess their love for each other, through song.
But when the pair ask for Elsa's blessing, she refuses.
"I don't know, a frosty reception maybe?"
After her outburst, Elsa flees, plunging the town into constant winter.
"Come back soon."
Elsa makes her way to Emo Mountain, and decides she's had enough of this hiding shit.
She builds herself an ice palace out of all the fucks she no longer gives.
No longer bound by the rules of her father, of society, of the Trolls, she's finally who she wants to be.
Meanwhile, Anna gets thrown by her horse and is left stranded in the woods.
Where she meets this guy.
"Take me up the North Mountain."
He does not need asking twice, and takes her up the North Mountain right away.
Anna tells him she likes it fast.
And because he's a class act, once she's cleaned herself up, he shames her for her life choices.
She's had just about enough of his shit at this point, so she fucks up his sled.
"This whole thing has ruined me for helping people."
Once he's had a good sulk, he realises his mistake and catches up with Anna to apologise.
Startled, Anna tries to legit murder him with her foot.
Then she stabs him through the face with a carrot.
But the snowman is a forgiving soul.
He agrees to take them to see Elsa.
But Olaf has more important things to worry about.
They make it to the ice palace, and Anna sees new Elsa for the first time.
"No, I'm just living my best life."
"I mean, look at all these fucks I don't give, Anna."
"But you need to give some fucks, Elsa. Not all, just some."
Singing ensues, and in her frustration Elsa lashes out, hitting Anna right in the heart.
When they refuse, she sets this chap on them.
Marshmallow kicks Kristoff and Anna out, and then throws Olaf at them.
After a chase, they manage to evade Marshmallow by jumping off a cliff.
Kristoff helps Anna to her feet.
He takes Anna to see his family, the Trolls, who try to marry them in some kind of sham tribal wedding.
"She's as cold as ice."
Dr Troll turns up, and diagnoses the problem.
Hoping a kiss from her true love will save her, Kristoff rushes Anna back to Hans.
Meanwhile, Hans is at the ice palace looking for Anna, and Elsa is not in the mood for guests.
Intimidated by the majesty of her palace – which required no men to build – one of the guards brings down a chandelier, knocking Elsa out.
With Elsa imprisoned in the castle, Hans pleads with her to stop the winter.
Kristoff makes it back to the castle with Anna.
"You have to kiss me."
"Oh well, guess you're shit out of luck. Because actually I'm a two-faced scumbag who was just using you to get to the throne."
Hans puts out the fire so Anna will freeze to death, and goes to kill Elsa.
But before Hans can get there, Elsa freezes the walls and breaks out of Azkaban.
On the other side of the valley, Sven is trying to persuade Kristoff to go back for Anna, which is difficult because Sven can't talk.
Kristoff turns around and sees the blizzard Elsa has started.
Luckily, Olaf finds Anna and starts a fire.
"Please Olaf, you can't stay here."
"You really don't know anything about love, do you?"
The window flies open, and through it Olaf spots Kristoff racing back to the castle.
Anna heads out onto the ice to meet Kristoff, but Hans is out there too, and he's found Elsa.
Elsa breaks down in tears, and the storm stops.
But as Anna starts turning to ice, she spots Hans about to kill Elsa.
She flings herself in front of Hans' sword, as she turns into an ice statue.
Elsa embraces her sister, sobbing.
But then, as Elsa thinks all is lost, Anna begins to thaw.
"Of course. I love you."
"But I don't understand."
"Love! Of course!"
Elsa thaws the kingdom and returns it to summer.
She couldn't well let Olaf melt.
There is still the matter of Hans to deal with.
Then Anna legit murders Hans by punching clean through his skull.
With all back to normal in Arendelle, there's only one thing left to fix.
"It's the latest model."
"I also hooked you up with a sweet monopoly on the local ice trade."
"Not at all! I love it!"
"I mean, I'd like to. May I? May we?"
Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure.
Olaf and Sven share a moment, too.
But Queen Elsa, despite not judging others for the pursuit of romantic love, don't need no man.
I enjoyed Frozen, particularly the feminist twist on the classic Disney plot. It was fun, and silly, and had some truly great moments.
Oh, and if you haven't watched right to the end of the credits before, make sure you do next time.
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