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Posted on Jan 30, 2015

This Is What It's Like To Watch "Frozen" For The First Time

Let it snow.

Disney / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

It's been over a year since Frozen came out, and I'd never seen it. So this week I decided to watch it for the first time and live-tweet it.

Disney.

I say "first time", but that's not entirely true.

I actually tried to watch it once before, but I was super jetlagged and fell asleep after 10 minutes.

Disney

Fear not: This time I was wide awake, and ready to let it go.

Here's what I learned.

Okay Frozen, let’s do this #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

Okay Frozen, let’s do this #finallywatchingFrozen

9:00 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

The film opens with some Lion King-style chanting, which then gives way to a good ol' Disney slave song.

Disney

The lyrics songsplain a lot: "Beautiful, powerful, dangerous, cold / Ice has a magic can't be controlled."

We also learn that ice is "stronger than 100 men" and that we have to "beware the frozen heart".

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Because, you know, plot.

This is still a Disney film, so we get an implausibly cute kid/reindeer combo to distract from the Exposition Song.

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Aww.

Then we meet Anna, who is trying to wake her older sister, Elsa, because she can't sleep "when the sky's awake".

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We're all either an Elsa or an Anna in the mornings.

Elsa is resisting fine, until Anna utters the magic words.

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"D'you wanna build a snowmaaan?"

See, it turns out Elsa has magic powers: She can make ice and snow!

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Oh, but remember what the ~men~ said before? This can't end well.

Spoiler: It does not end well, as Elsa accidentally hits Anna with some ice magic.

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I mean, there are easier ways to get highlights.

To save Anna, the King and Queen take her and Elsa to see the Trolls.

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Also, everyone pronounces "Anna" like "Ah-na" because the kingdom is like a super middle-class part of northern Europe.

The Trolls, who unlike their YouTube counterparts are nice and friendly, agree to help.

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To protect Anna, they remove all memory of Elsa's powers from her mind.

Dr Troll tells Elsa she must learn to control her burgeoning womanhood, as there is beauty in it, but also danger.

Disney.

And by "burgeoning womanhood" I mean "ice powers", obvs.

Until Elsa can learn to control her "ice powers", the King and Queen lock down the castle.

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In fear of what her unchecked femininity, er, I mean "ice powers", might do, she shuts herself in her room, and no longer plays with Anna.

Even "D'you wanna build a snowman?" no longer works, and Anna, unaware of the dangers of female agency – I mean "ice powers" – has no idea why.

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Maybe she should have tried "Do you wanna build a blanket fort?"

"Okay, bye..." #finallywatchingFrozen

Elsa gets some gloves to wear, and not for fashion.

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"Conceal it. Don't feel it. Don't let it show. Because men."

The King and Queen decide to go on a cruise.

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Nothing bad ever happens on cruise boats.

And then they die.

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Because plot.

Anna is now a teenager, and no longer wants to get up at the crack of dawn.

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Same.

It's Elsa's coronation day, which prompts Anna to ask the big questions.

Disney

"Why have a ballroom with no balls?" #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

"Why have a ballroom with no balls?" #finallywatchingFrozen

9:16 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

She's not sure if she's elated or gassy.

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But she is sure she wants to find love and marry "the one" as is the custom dictated by the patriarchal values she's been raised to believe in.

Meanwhile Elsa is reminding herself to be the good girl.

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Because heaven forbid she tries to be herself and gets judged for it.

Anna is running around excited for the party.

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And then this bro assaults her with his horse.

He introduces himself as Prince Hans of the Southern Isles, and Anna is all *swoon*.

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Yes because the guy who just assaulted you with his horse is def the one. #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

Yes because the guy who just assaulted you with his horse is def the one. #finallywatchingFrozen

9:19 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

The coronation goes without a hitch, and at the ball, Elsa finally speaks to Anna.

Disney

"I'm not saying this because I believe your entire worth should be attached to your physical appearance, but because I am struck for the first time by the remarkable young woman you are becoming: You look beautiful."

And they bond over true witchcraft:

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But because two women can't have fun together at a ball without being pestered, Anna is made to dance with the Duke of Weaseltown.

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AKA every white guy at a festival ever.

Hans whisks Anna away, and they confess their love for each other, through song.

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Then Hans proposes.

All I want in life is someone to finish my sandwiches #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

All I want in life is someone to finish my sandwiches #finallywatchingFrozen

9:28 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

But when the pair ask for Elsa's blessing, she refuses.

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"Why do you shut me out? What are you afraid of!"

"I don't know, a frosty reception maybe?"

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Lol.

After her outburst, Elsa flees, plunging the town into constant winter.

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Anna decides to go after her, leaving Hans in charge.

"Come back soon."

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"I've got some sweet hacky-sack tricks to show you."

Elsa makes her way to Emo Mountain, and decides she's had enough of this hiding shit.

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GUYS THE SONGS IS STARTING. YOU KNOW THE SONG. THE SONGY SONG. #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

GUYS THE SONGS IS STARTING. YOU KNOW THE SONG. THE SONGY SONG. #finallywatchingFrozen

9:33 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

She builds herself an ice palace out of all the fucks she no longer gives.

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And then she gives herself a makeover.

No longer bound by the rules of her father, of society, of the Trolls, she's finally who she wants to be.

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And she wants to be hot. Not for a prince, but for herself.

Meanwhile, Anna gets thrown by her horse and is left stranded in the woods.

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She manages to make her way to a local trading post.

Where she meets this guy.

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It's the boy from the opening scene, Kristoff, and his reindeer, Sven.

"Take me up the North Mountain."

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Lol.

He does not need asking twice, and takes her up the North Mountain right away.

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Nice and fast.

Anna tells him she likes it fast.

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Then he spits in her face.

And because he's a class act, once she's cleaned herself up, he shames her for her life choices.

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"What kind of person agrees to marry a man she just met?"

She's had just about enough of his shit at this point, so she fucks up his sled.

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"Insult my intelligence, I wreck your ride. That's how this works."

"This whole thing has ruined me for helping people."

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"You try to be a nice guy, this is what you get."

Once he's had a good sulk, he realises his mistake and catches up with Anna to apologise.

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Then they meet a talking snowman named Olaf.

Startled, Anna tries to legit murder him with her foot.

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Because in a film about tolerance, what's funnier than kicking the shit out of something that offends you.

Then she stabs him through the face with a carrot.

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Realising what she's done, Anna quickly apologises for her murderous instincts.

But the snowman is a forgiving soul.

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"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll Olaf about this some day."

He agrees to take them to see Elsa.

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Olaf seems super excited to see summer, and no one has the heart to tell him why that might not be a good idea.

But Olaf has more important things to worry about.

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"I've been impaled." Lol #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

"I've been impaled." Lol #finallywatchingFrozen

9:54 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

They make it to the ice palace, and Anna sees new Elsa for the first time.

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"Elsa... You look so... Did you join a Vegas show?"

"No, I'm just living my best life."

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"I never knew what I was capable of until I stopped giving a fuck."

"I mean, look at all these fucks I don't give, Anna."

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"So many."

"But you need to give some fucks, Elsa. Not all, just some."

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"While you've been up here letting it go, Arendelle is trapped in ice and snow."

Singing ensues, and in her frustration Elsa lashes out, hitting Anna right in the heart.

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Upset, Elsa asks them to leave.

When they refuse, she sets this chap on them.

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His name is Marshmallow.

Marshmallow kicks Kristoff and Anna out, and then throws Olaf at them.

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"It is not nice to throw people! Even though I kicked his head off like, 10 mins ago, and then stabbed him in the face with a carrot."

After a chase, they manage to evade Marshmallow by jumping off a cliff.

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Totally shipping Sven and Olaf #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

Totally shipping Sven and Olaf #finallywatchingFrozen

10:03 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

Kristoff helps Anna to her feet.

Disney

Which involves some suspicious hand placement on his part.

He takes Anna to see his family, the Trolls, who try to marry them in some kind of sham tribal wedding.

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But arranged marriages are the least of Anna's problems, and she passes out.

"She's as cold as ice."

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"And willing to sacrifice."

Dr Troll turns up, and diagnoses the problem.

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"There is ice in your heart, put there by your sister. Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart. Or scotch, if anyone has some of that."

Hoping a kiss from her true love will save her, Kristoff rushes Anna back to Hans.

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"Let's go kiss Hans! Who is this Hans?"

Meanwhile, Hans is at the ice palace looking for Anna, and Elsa is not in the mood for guests.

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"Queen Elsa! Don't be the monster they fear you are. Cover yourself up perhaps, or act in a more submissive way."

Intimidated by the majesty of her palace – which required no men to build – one of the guards brings down a chandelier, knocking Elsa out.

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This is why we can't have nice things.

With Elsa imprisoned in the castle, Hans pleads with her to stop the winter.

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Because if there's one thing no one living in northern Europe expects, it's winter.

Kristoff makes it back to the castle with Anna.

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"I trust I'm leaving her here in good Hans."

"You have to kiss me."

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"I'm totally dying. Only an act of true love will save me."

"Oh well, guess you're shit out of luck. Because actually I'm a two-faced scumbag who was just using you to get to the throne."

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Hans you filthy rat #finallywatchingFrozen

Hans puts out the fire so Anna will freeze to death, and goes to kill Elsa.

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"I never did get to show you my sweet hacky-sack tricks. Oh well."

But before Hans can get there, Elsa freezes the walls and breaks out of Azkaban.

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#BossWitch

On the other side of the valley, Sven is trying to persuade Kristoff to go back for Anna, which is difficult because Sven can't talk.

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He can sure sass though.

Kristoff turns around and sees the blizzard Elsa has started.

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He and Sven race back to save Anna.

Luckily, Olaf finds Anna and starts a fire.

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"Ooh, so this is heat! I love it."

"Please Olaf, you can't stay here."

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"You'll melt."

"You really don't know anything about love, do you?"

Disney

“Some people are worth melting for.” *sob* #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

“Some people are worth melting for.” *sob* #finallywatchingFrozen

10:23 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

The window flies open, and through it Olaf spots Kristoff racing back to the castle.

Disney

"There's your act of true love right there, riding across the fjords like a valiant, pungent reindeer king!"

Anna heads out onto the ice to meet Kristoff, but Hans is out there too, and he's found Elsa.

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"Your sister is dead. You legit murdered her. See? Nothing good ever happens when you try to let it go."

Elsa breaks down in tears, and the storm stops.

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Kristoff sees Anna and races toward her.

But as Anna starts turning to ice, she spots Hans about to kill Elsa.

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She has to decide to save herself, or her sister.

She flings herself in front of Hans' sword, as she turns into an ice statue.

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Hans' sword shatters and the shockwave sends him flying back.

Elsa embraces her sister, sobbing.

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Kristoff, Olaf, and Sven arrive, and hang their heads in sorrow.

But then, as Elsa thinks all is lost, Anna begins to thaw.

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"You sacrificed yourself for me?"

"Of course. I love you."

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"And besides, everyone knows: sisters before misters."

"But I don't understand."

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"How did you..?"

"Love, Harry. Love."

Warner Bros.

Thanks, Dumbledore!

"Love! Of course!"

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"It was love the whole time. And not just the romantic kind of love we've been taught by films and TV shows to seek out from others in order to validate us, but the selfless acts of love you can show to those around you."

Elsa thaws the kingdom and returns it to summer.

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Well, almost all of it.

She couldn't well let Olaf melt.

Disney.

"My own personal flurry!" #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

"My own personal flurry!" #finallywatchingFrozen

10:31 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

There is still the matter of Hans to deal with.

Disney

"Anna? But she froze your heart. And then I left you to die. I'm supposed to be king, goddamn it!"

"Hey, Hans."

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"Let it go."

Then Anna legit murders Hans by punching clean through his skull.

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Everyone cheers, because even though we just learned that love is the answer, we all know really that violence is the answer.

With all back to normal in Arendelle, there's only one thing left to fix.

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Kristoff's manhood.

"It's the latest model."

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"It even has a cup holder, because that's not an entirely anachronistic reference to be making when talking about a wooden sled."

"I also hooked you up with a sweet monopoly on the local ice trade."

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"If that insults your masculine sensibilities then feel free to fuck right off."

"Not at all! I love it!"

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"I mean, I'll admit to not being entirely comfortable with the power dynamic early in our relationship, but I've learned to check my privilege, and respect both your power and independence. I could kiss you!"

"I mean, I'd like to. May I? May we?"

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"We may."

Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure.

Disney

This one left them all behind.

Kudos for asking, Kristoff. Consent is sexy #finallywatchingFrozen

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow

Kudos for asking, Kristoff. Consent is sexy #finallywatchingFrozen

10:33 PM - 28 Jan 15ReplyRetweetFavorite

Olaf and Sven share a moment, too.

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Svolaf.

But Queen Elsa, despite not judging others for the pursuit of romantic love, don't need no man.

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Who needs a man when you've got a sister.

I enjoyed Frozen, particularly the feminist twist on the classic Disney plot. It was fun, and silly, and had some truly great moments.

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Also, it made me totally want to build a snowman.

Oh, and if you haven't watched right to the end of the credits before, make sure you do next time.

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Marshmallow gets to be queen.

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