If you missed it, I'd never seen a Harry Potter film until last week, when I watched Philosopher/Sorcerer's Stone for the first time.
This week, I watched the second one and live-tweeted it. Here is what I learned.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, let's do this #finallywatchingHP
Dum dum de dum dum, dum dummmmmmmm dum...
The film opens with Harry telling Uncle Richard Griffiths how deep his voice is.
But Uncle Richard Griffiths does not give a shit about puberty.
Harry goes to the room he got after murdering that one guy, and finds he has a visitor.
"I'm Dobby. Dobby is a house elf. Dobby only refers to himself in the third person, which never gets old." #finallywatchingHP
"Now is not a good time for third person."
Dobby tells Harry not to go back to Hogwarts.
"Something to do with the plot, I guess?"
"You guess?"
"I didn't really read the script. Sorry. Bye."
Then Harry does some acting.
Ron and his brothers are out joyriding in a magical flying car and decide to kidnap Harry because at this point he hasn't been kidnapped in ages.
Wow. Ron got whacked in the voice box with a puberty bat, too #finallywatchingHP
They do not take him to Hogwarts, because that would mean getting on with the plot.
Ginny can't believe how deep Harry's voice is.
But Julie Walters is super pissed that they have to spend half an hour at the start of the film not being at Hogwarts.
Now it's Ron's turn to do some acting.
In protest, CGI Ron kills himself with green fire.
And Harry channels Bill Bixby.
Bill Bixby. From the Incredible Hulk TV series. See?
They go to the 1800s to buy school supplies (because who doesn't love back-to-school shopping), but Harry gets lost.
Diagonally. Lol. #finallywatchingHP
Giant Robbie Coltrane to the rescue.
Hermione is there, enunciating.
"It's Harry. Harry Potter."
Meanwhile, at the bookshop: It's Rex Manning Day!
Everyone loves Rex Manning Day.
Everyone except Draco Hair Gel.
"Don't you fucking ruin Rex Manning Day!"
And then Draco's dad, Luscious Locks, turns up, and it all gets a bit serious.
But we musn't dwell. No, not today. We can't!
Cut to Kings Cross, where Harry attempts to murder Hedwig's stunt double in a high-speed trolley accident.
With the portal at Kings Cross not working (because plot), Ron and Harry steal a car and fly to Hogwarts.
They attempt to follow the train, but can't seem to find it.
After five or six more shenanigans, they finally arrive at Hogwarts. The car decides to run away.
Ron and Harry are in trouble for stealing a car.
Not to mention...
"The damage you inflicted to a whomping willow that's been on these grounds since before you were born." 13 years then. #finallywatchingHP
"Chill out, Severus, this is Harry Potter. Last year we let him legit murder a dude, so stealing a car is nothing. He can basically do what he wants."
In class they are learning about Mandrakes, which of course Hermione already knows all about.
"Grasp your Mandrake." Lol. #finallywatchingHP
Of course, none of this is foreshadowing.
REX MANNING IS THE NEW DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER.
Now every day is Rex Manning Day!
Something about pixies.
Reminder: Hermione is a badass.
Wood!
Turns out Draco Hair Gel is now a seeker too.
"Yes, but can you make this face?"
"Like this?"
"Guess that's a no then."
"Yeah, well you can't do this."
"Touché. But have you ever seen me enunciate?"
Then Draco calls Hermione a BAD WORD. She tells Giant Robbie Coltrane.
"He called me an 'over-enunciator'. It's not a term one usually hears in polite conversation."
Meanwhile Harry is doing detention with Rex Manning.
On his way back to the dorm, Harry strokes a wall.
But then this happens and everyone thinks he wrote it, because he loves walls so much.
"It wasn't even me. I love walls. I'd never write on one."
"That may be so, Potter. But have you seen how far I can raise my eyebrow?"
"This high."
Sportsball!
Important: Wood grips his wood with two hands.
Draco and Harry fight it out for the snitch.
But Harry gets it. Yay.
Meanwhile, Hermione is busy brewing something up in the girls bathroom.
There is also a ghost floating around in there.
Unless ghosts age, Moaning Myrtle was about 35 when she went to Hogwarts #finallywatchingHP
When a student is petrified, Rex Manning decides to teach the students how to duel.
"Ex..."
"...pelliarmus."
Harry duels Draco. Long story short, it turns out Harry can talk to snakes.
"Harry, do you know what this means?"
Snakesposition #finallywatchingHP
#wood4walls
Harry is summoned to see Dumbledore.
"Dumbledore? It's me, Harry. Harry Potter."
Dumbledore introduces Harry to his Phoenix, Fawkes.
"Phoenixes can carry immensely heavy loads and their tears have healing powers." This will never come in handy, I bet. #finallywatchingHP
"Hey, remember the potion I was making? Well, it's ready."
Ron and Harry take the plot-device potion and question Draco about the Chamber of Secrets, but he has other things on his mind.
Hermione's dose of potion goes wrong though.
Luckily, Moaning Myrtle gives Harry a diary.
Harry asks the diary about the Chamber of Secrets. Cue flashback showing the first time the Chamber was opened, 50 years ago.
Turns out Tom Silly-Middle-Name Riddle helped close the chamber last time, and that Young Giant Robbie Coltrane had something to do with it.
Then Wood turns up with no warning.
While we were distracted by Wood, Hermione went and got herself petrified.
It's time for the invisibility clock. But honestly, when is it not time. He should have it on 24/7 #finallywatchingHP
Using the invisibility cloak, Harry and Ron question Hagrid.
Then there is this long bit where they have to go to into the Dark Forest. It involves spiders.
I will spare you screenshots of this bit. But NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE #finallywatchingHP
Holy shit that's a big spider. #finallywatchingHP
Thankfully the magic flying car from earlier on turns up to save them from the many hundreds of giant spiders I refuse to screengrab.
With Hermione gone, Ron and Harry try and work out WTF is going on in this film.
"Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?"
Oh no! Ginny Weasley has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets.
Rex Manning will save Ginny!
"You're a phoney, Rex Manning."
"Why don't you all just fade away."
Harry and Ron kidnap Rex Manning and decide that they should just ask Moaning Myrtle where the Chamber is.
It's the tap with the snake on! D'oh. #finallywatchingHP
Oh yes, there it is. In the room they've been hanging out in all film. Right there. This whole time.
Ron kicks Rex Manning down into the Chamber, and then bashes him over the head with a rock.
Harry forges on ahead.
Oh, hi Tom!
Goddamnit, Ginny.
J/k it was me really.
"Look, you know how I've got that silly middle name?"
"It's an anagram, see! An anagram for my real name: Armored Doll Vomit!" #finallywatchingHP
"What do you think? I've been workshopping it a little."
"Oh hai! I'm a giant snake. I sure hope a phoenix doesn't turn up, give you sword, and claw my eyes out."
"It might be blind, but it can still hear you! Let me know if you need any more tips." – Tom Riddle #finallywatchingHP
Needle!
"Have some of that, scaley-bollocks!"
"Shit. He's only gone and slaughtered a sentient creature with the capacity to feel pain."
"Pow, bitches!"
"What's happening? Did someone just open the Ark of the Covenant? You should have fucking said!"
"Wait! Before I go, have you seen my 'Earth Song' dance?"
"You were brilliant, Fawkes. But the bloody snake got me. Game over, man, game over."
"Is that it now? This film is really long."
Lol, no.
"Not so fast! It is I, Luscious Locks. My hair is incredible."
"Um...no. No I don't."
"I didn't think so. Your hair is nothing. Nothing!"
"Wait up, give this book to Dobby. I've hidden a sock in it. If you give him the book, he'll be free."
"Dobby is free!"
"Look how wide I can flare my nostrils though!"
"Dobby has had enough of you. Get a haircut, hippy."
Dobby is a badass. #finallywatchingHP
Then Hermione comes back.
"Yes, we did both those things!"
"I'm so happy for you. Violent crime is the best."
"Exams are cancelled. Let's get wasted!"
Fin.
In conclusion, Chamber of Secrets wasn't as good as the first film, but I enjoyed it all the same. It could have done with more Hermione in the last hour.
Next up, Prisoner of Azkaban. Who's in?
