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This Is What It's Like To Watch "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets" For The First Time

Secrets! Shade! Sass! Wow, this was a long film.

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This week, I watched the second one and live-tweeted it. Here is what I learned.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, let's do this #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, let's do this #finallywatchingHP

1:14 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

But Uncle Richard Griffiths does not give a shit about puberty.

Warner Bros.

"I'm going to squint at you like this until you go to your room, which we gave you because you murdered that one guy."

"I'm Dobby. Dobby is a house elf. Dobby only refers to himself in the third person, which never gets old." #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

"I'm Dobby. Dobby is a house elf. Dobby only refers to himself in the third person, which never gets old." #finallywatchingHP

1:20 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

Ron and his brothers are out joyriding in a magical flying car and decide to kidnap Harry because at this point he hasn't been kidnapped in ages.

Wow. Ron got whacked in the voice box with a puberty bat, too #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

Wow. Ron got whacked in the voice box with a puberty bat, too #finallywatchingHP

1:38 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

But Julie Walters is super pissed that they have to spend half an hour at the start of the film not being at Hogwarts.

Warner Bros.

"This film is two and a half hours long. We don't have time for fucking whimsy!"

They go to the 1800s to buy school supplies (because who doesn't love back-to-school shopping), but Harry gets lost.

Cut to Kings Cross, where Harry attempts to murder Hedwig's stunt double in a high-speed trolley accident.

Not to mention...

"The damage you inflicted to a whomping willow that's been on these grounds since before you were born." 13 years then. #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

"The damage you inflicted to a whomping willow that's been on these grounds since before you were born." 13 years then. #finallywatchingHP

2:45 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

"Chill out, Severus, this is Harry Potter. Last year we let him legit murder a dude, so stealing a car is nothing. He can basically do what he wants."

"Grasp your Mandrake." Lol. #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

"Grasp your Mandrake." Lol. #finallywatchingHP

2:54 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

Unless ghosts age, Moaning Myrtle was about 35 when she went to Hogwarts #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

Unless ghosts age, Moaning Myrtle was about 35 when she went to Hogwarts #finallywatchingHP

6:24 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

When a student is petrified, Rex Manning decides to teach the students how to duel.

Warner Bros.

First rule of Duel Club: Don't talk about Duel Club. Second rule of Duel Club: Don't duel Snape. He'll mess up your day.

"Phoenixes can carry immensely heavy loads and their tears have healing powers." This will never come in handy, I bet. #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

"Phoenixes can carry immensely heavy loads and their tears have healing powers." This will never come in handy, I bet. #finallywatchingHP

6:00 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

Ron and Harry take the plot-device potion and question Draco about the Chamber of Secrets, but he has other things on his mind.

Turns out Tom Silly-Middle-Name Riddle helped close the chamber last time, and that Young Giant Robbie Coltrane had something to do with it.

While we were distracted by Wood, Hermione went and got herself petrified.

Warner Bros.

You'd be forgiven for thinking Harry had been petrified too, but that's just his delivery. Lol.

It's time for the invisibility clock. But honestly, when is it not time. He should have it on 24/7 #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

It's time for the invisibility clock. But honestly, when is it not time. He should have it on 24/7 #finallywatchingHP

6:38 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

Then there is this long bit where they have to go to into the Dark Forest. It involves spiders.

I will spare you screenshots of this bit. But NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

I will spare you screenshots of this bit. But NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE #finallywatchingHP

6:50 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

Holy shit that's a big spider. #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

Holy shit that's a big spider. #finallywatchingHP

6:52 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

Harry and Ron kidnap Rex Manning and decide that they should just ask Moaning Myrtle where the Chamber is.

Warner Bros.

"Oh, that Chamber of Secrets. Why didn't you ask in the first place? It's over there, in that sink."

It's the tap with the snake on! D'oh. #finallywatchingHP

Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

It's the tap with the snake on! D'oh. #finallywatchingHP

7:12 PM - 16 Jul 14ReplyRetweetFavorite