Opening
1. I'm already hard.
2. This is like the opening credits of a superhero cartoon: "Mike Lane is just a regular furniture maker from Tampa, until he hears the intro to 'Pony'...transforming him into oily, snake-hipped male entertainer Magic Mike!"
3. How did he avoid "Pony" for three years?
4. Did he go cold pony?
5. I could have used Channing’s help with an Ikea table a few weeks ago. Also to have sex with.
6. He really loves his work. You can tell be the way he’s gyrating across the worktop, giving it the D. So much D.
7. Experts in the sexy furniture industry say that gyrating all over your furniture is really the only way to stress test it.
8. You’re making holes in your nice table. You’re going to regret that once Ginuwine stops playing.
9. What if he’d heard "Pony" like in the middle of the bank or something, waiting to deposit some cheques, rather than alone in his workshop. Would he have gyrated all over the lobby? "I’m here to deposit the D."
10. I wanted his assistant to be stood there when the song ended. "I just came back for my keys. Um. Bye."
11. I came into this film not really knowing what to expect, not having seen the first Magic Mike, but as soon as Channing started tenderly making love to a table, I understood what all the fuss was about.
The Wake
12. I want to know more about the girl with the crash helmet. I want to know her backstory.
13. Did she run into stuff before she got the crash helmet, or does she have the crash helmet because she runs into stuff? So many questions.
14. Well that's my Halloween sorted.
15. Pretty sure that "Dallas disappeared" translates as "McConaughey was too expensive."
16. How long was the naked guy hanging around waiting for Channing Tatum to show up? "He said he’d be here by 3. I’m tempted to put some trousers on tbh."
Beach Party
17. Ohhhh Condomints! Condoms and mints. Took me only five minutes to work that out.
18. I am embarrassed to admit that Condomints went way over my head and I thought they were talking about ketchup and mustard, like actual condiments. Because I am 8 years old, innocent, uncorrupted, and not terribly bright.
19. "Off home to make some artisanal probiotic fro-yo" is my new masturbatory euphemism du jour.
20. If Channing doesn’t make a Clitoria Labia spin-off movie what is the point of living?
21. Channing Tatum even looks handsome having a wee in some bushes on a beach. I wish I looked even 10% that good having a wee in some bushes.
22. Matt Bomer might be god.
23. Matt Bomer would be a benevolent god I think. The kind of god that would buy you a beer and ask you questions about yourself. He'd really listen too. A handsome, benevolent, empathetic god.
24. Other films about men spend all their time making dick jokes. In this one, nobody is arguing about who has the biggest dick, and the guy with the biggest dick – whose name is Big Dick Richie – hasn’t had sex in six months because having a big dick means that sex is uncomfortable. He can’t find a partner he fits. A real conversation about the implications of having the biggest dick? YOUR MOVE, EVERY OTHER FILM ABOUT MEN BEING MEN.
25. Kind of disappointed we don’t see his enormous dick.
26. I'd have watched a whole film that was just them riffing in the truck while tripping balls on ecstasy.
27. Male entertainers fear things too. This film is so relatable.
Gas Station
28. I am a straight adult human man giggling gleefully as a hyper-muscular male entertainer trying to regain his mojo struts around a gas station on a mission to make the attendant smile with the earnest support of his bros outside who are following his every move and cheering him on. And I too am cheering him on. This is glorious. Glorious.
29. Why can’t everything be this glorious?
30. "How much for the Cheetos and water" is my new pick-up line. This is why I'm single.
31. Is it bad for my health to be grinning this much?
Rome's Mansion
32. Rome’s club is where I want to be every day of my life and also I would like to die and be buried there and instead of a tombstone I would like a sexy man to dance on my grave.
33. If I could build a fully functioning time machine, I would make two stops. The first would be to kill Hitler. The second would be to the summer of 2014, when I would fly to Georgia and apply to be an extra in the Rome’s Mansion scene, 'cause those extras looked like they had a great time. Specifically the one who threw her head back laughing as she reached out to touch Channing’s bod.
34. I’m pretty sure this scene was filmed in an actual gentleman’s club and that makes the misandry all the sweeter.
35. Can Jada Pinkett Smith just narrate, like, my whole life?
36. We need more Jada in our lives. Less Jaden, more Jada.
37. I need to learn how to gyrate while handstanding on a chair, simulating oral sex at the same time. You know, for business meetings.
38. This is the only way I use a chair now.
39. The bit where he bent two women over and used them as a pommel horse, swivelling his hips between the two, gyrating, was like, I mean, I just marvelled at the choreography.
40. "I shall now use two ladies as gymnastic sex props. But in a good way, with loving thrusting."
41. This whole scene I was like, can we buy the choreographer a beer? We need to buy her a beer.
42. That thing the guy does where his trousers basically just vibrated for like a minute is utterly hypnotic.
43. I want to learn how to make my trousers vibrate.
44. I WANT SHIRTLESS DONALD GLOVER TO DO A SPECIAL RAP FOR ME. I HAVE NEVER WANTED ANYTHING SO MUCH.
Andie MacDowell's House
45. You feel like this is not the first time a bunch of male strippers have turned up at her door and Andie MacDowell’s just been like, "Heyyyy, make yourselves comfortable, we’ve got a sweet-ass wine cellar."
46. The bit where Tarzan laments his lack of love and a lifetime of missed opportunities for happiness is sad, but also reminded me a tiny bit of Barney’s short film in that episode of The Simpsons: "Don’t cry for me, I’m already dead."
47. Ernest is a fine name, Tarzan. A fine name. Don't let anyone tell you different.
48. I like that the woman who could finally satisfy Richie is older. And also that she is Andie Macdowell.
49. When Channing told whatsername the hot lady with the pink hair that his god was a “she” I was like, CHANNING BABY YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO SAY THAT YOU’RE ALREADY PERFECT.
50. "My god is a she." Crap Tinder chat-up line sullying an otherwise flawless film.
51. Oh lord Matt Bomer can sing. He has the voice of an angel. My god is a he. His name is Matt Bomer.
52. In normal circumstances Matt Bomer is the most beautiful human man in the world, but in this film, standing next to Channing and the others, he just looks a bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
53. Is there a physicist here who can explain the angles of Channing’s cap? I’m not sure they exist in three dimensional space. His cap is post dimension.
54. Real talk: Does Channing Tatum hate his forehead? Because it’s a perfectly fine forehead, Chan.
Myrtle Beach
55. Malik doesn’t get to speak. Other than through the medium of dance. Maybe that's the lesson here? Sometimes all you need to say is *gyrates sensually*.
56. This film made me wish I had a gang of super-supportive bros to hang out with. Or just any bros. I wish I had friends.
57. Is there a more progressive, more aspirational depiction of straight male friendship anywhere? One that also presents such a solid argument for spray tanning?
58. Just two dudes sharing a bed. Two good friends. And not a single gay joke. Not one. I love this film.
59. Just two chill dudes talking about their feelings on a big bed, resting their tired-out, hardened muscles after a long day of stripping practice.
60. I was half cringing, ready for a gay joke. Like literally any other film that had two straight dudes sharing a bed would have had a gay joke here. Can you imagine Adam Sandler sharing a bed with Rob Whatsisname and not saying, "I better not feel a dick in my back." Every film should be Magic Mike XXL. Every film should present this level of mature, accessible masculinity.
61. My god Channing Tatum’s ass is amazing even when he’s just slumped on a bed.
Finale
62. I love that Tarzan, arguably the most classically masculine guy on the team, tells, Mike “I called you because I missed you.” I love it. I love it.
63. A handy reminder that squirty cream is the most sexual dessert item.
64. The woman in the sex swing is the real star of this film. And they just left her there till the end. I’d stay there too to be fair. Good view of the rest of it.
65. Magic Mike 3 will just be the lady left attached to the sex swing. For days, long after everyone else has gone home. Trapped and alone, left to realise the the world is a harsh and pitiless place. It will be narrated by Werner Herzog.
66. That sex swing did not look particularly robust, to be honest. As stage props go it’s fine, but like, maybe don’t try doing actual sex in it.
67. Those women look remarkably clean for having been covered in squirty cream not a few moments ago. Did they bring a change of clothes? Am I overthinking this?
68. I love that hot-pink hair lady and Channing never got together in the end. Because you wouldn’t have to, would you? Being spun around in front of thousands of screaming women is probably as far as any relationship deserves to go. Further, even. You’re done. There is no more sex to have; nothing more to say.
69. I'm surprised the seats weren't covered in plastic for this. Because, you know. Fluids.
70. This was basically a Step Up movie. But with male entertainers. And feels.
71. This film was basically the most fun I’ve had in a cinema this year.
72. This and Mad Max. Hyper-masculine, yet hyper-feminist films. More like this please, Hollywood.
73. This film was basically Mad Max: Sexy Road.
74. Imagine if when they left Rome’s mansion and she was all like, “Don’t worry, I’ll get someone to drive you." Imagine if Furiosa had just rocked up in the War Rig. IMAGINE THAT.
75. First person to mash up Mad Mike: Magic Road wins an internet.
76. Is it too late to switch careers?