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33 Everyday Words With Hilariously Punny Double Meanings

Esteemed entries from the Uxbridge English Dictionary, via I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue

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The Uxbridge English Dictionary creates hilarious new definitions for all those English words that don't mean what they should. Here are some of our favourites:

Gelatine: Device for cutting the heads off jelly babies

Crucifix: Religious adhesive

Vanish: Rather like a van

Idiomatic: Foolproof dishwasher

Bidet: Two days before D-Day

Claptrap: A condom

Asterisk: The chances of being hit by an asteroid

Descent: To remove the smell

Hobnob: A cooking accident

Easily: Like an easel

Floral: Foreplay on the carpet

Pastiche: What Sean Connery eats in Cornwall


Push: Sean Connery's cat

Farcical: A bike that makes you look stupid

Expensive: Formerly thoughtful

Hamas: What Geordies use to bang nails in

Caustic: Good heavens, a stick!

Doodah: A cool pirate

Bazaar: Barry the Pirate

Jigsaw: How you feel after Irish dancing

Unfettered: Without Greek cheese

Lamb shank: Sean Connery's sheep has drowned

Macaroon: To leave a Scotsman on a desert island

Monkey: Like a monk

Kindle: A book that burns itself

Yodelling: A trainee Jedi knight

Eyeliner: A big ship made by Apple

Ladder: Like a lad, but even more so

Alcopops: Alcoholic Dads

X-ray: Former fish

Warehouse: A person who turns into a house on a full moon

Norway: A surprised Geordie

For more, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue: The Best of Forty Years is out now from Windmill Books.

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