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    This Is Why Sportsball Is Your New Favourite Sport

    Kickytime! Föktrumpets! Whistlebastards!

    1. Sportsball is a game for 1-15 players.

    Fox Sports

    Back of the net!

    2. The aim of sportsball is to score more goaldowns than the other team.


    3. While not letting them get more scoreytouches than you.

    4. This is Sportsball!

    5. Das ist Freizeitball!

    That's what the German's call Sportsball, made-up-fact fans!

    6. Players, known as Sportsnauts, can be motivated solely by 'palmswats' to the gluteal zone.


    7. Sportsnauts greet each other like this.

    Sky Sports


    8. And wear their own names on their jerseys to make it easier for friends to find them.

    9. Games are known as "kickytime" and last from Friday night to Monday night.

    Fox Sports

    10. Kickytime can be cut short if a someone scores a “jesusshittingchrist”.


    It has only happened once. This was that time.

    11. The coaching staff is entirely female, and communicate orders via semaphore.

    12. Their tiny outfits improve airflow and encourage applause, or “schwanzstiffen”, among men in the crowd.

    Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

    Sportsball. What a game.

    13. Sportsnauts are also competing to see who can cheat, or purposefail, with the most style.

    Sky Sports



    14. Purposefailing is actively encouraged as long as it is done with skill, flair, and commitment.

    Via Sky Sports

    Fun fact: Sportsnauts have sensitive lugholes.

    GOL TV


    15. A popular meme among purposefailers is "platooning".

    Kanal Sports
    Channel 5

    Just like Willem Dafoe!

    16. The current world champion of purposefailing is this guy.

    Claudio Villa / Getty Images

    Nigerian goalkeeper Austin Ejide.

    17. His purposefail was so good it was only spotted by tv cameras after the game.



    18. When the crowd think their team are doing well, they salute them with "truffleshuffles".

    19. And "turkeywaves".

    20. In foreign countries, they blow on föktrumpets.

    21. And throw paper airplanes.


    22. The game is controlled by referees, known as whistlebastards.

    23. Whistlebastards are not well liked.


    24. Boring games can be livened up by a runaway vehicle.


    25. Or packs of wild dogs.

    26. Children are trained to excel in Sportsball from an early age.

    27. But not everyone is cut out for Sportsball.

    28. Unfortunately some people only realise that as adults.

    29. By now you should have the rules down...

    Via Twitter: @jakesutton


    30. So get excited!

    Via Twitter: @SoYoureJayce

    So bouncy.

    31. You are now a Sportsball master.


    32. High five!



    33. Um...

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