This Is Why Sportsball Is Your New Favourite Sport

Kickytime! Föktrumpets! Whistlebastards!

1. Sportsball is a game for 1-15 players.

Fox Sports

Back of the net!

2. The aim of sportsball is to score more goaldowns than the other team.


3. While not letting them get more scoreytouches than you.

4. This is Sportsball!

5. Das ist Freizeitball!

That’s what the German’s call Sportsball, made-up-fact fans!

6. Players, known as Sportsnauts, can be motivated solely by ‘palmswats’ to the gluteal zone.


7. Sportsnauts greet each other like this.

Sky Sports


8. And wear their own names on their jerseys to make it easier for friends to find them.


9. Games are known as “kickytime” and last from Friday night to Monday night.

Fox Sports

10. Kickytime can be cut short if a someone scores a “jesusshittingchrist”.

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It has only happened once. This was that time.

11. The coaching staff is entirely female, and communicate orders via semaphore.

12. Their tiny outfits improve airflow and encourage applause, or “schwanzstiffen”, among men in the crowd.

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Sportsball. What a game.

13. Sportsnauts are also competing to see who can cheat, or purposefail, with the most style.

Sky Sports


14. Purposefailing is actively encouraged as long as it is done with skill, flair, and commitment.

Via Sky Sports

Fun fact: Sportsnauts have sensitive lugholes.



15. A popular meme among purposefailers is “platooning”.

Kanal Sports
Channel 5

Just like Willem Dafoe!

16. The current world champion of purposefailing is this guy.

Claudio Villa / Getty Images

Nigerian goalkeeper Austin Ejide.

17. His purposefail was so good it was only spotted by tv cameras after the game.

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18. When the crowd think their team are doing well, they salute them with “truffleshuffles”.

19. And “turkeywaves”.

20. In foreign countries, they blow on föktrumpets.

21. And throw paper airplanes.

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22. The game is controlled by referees, known as whistlebastards.

23. Whistlebastards are not well liked.

24. Boring games can be livened up by a runaway vehicle.

25. Or packs of wild dogs.

26. Children are trained to excel in Sportsball from an early age.

27. But not everyone is cut out for Sportsball.

28. Unfortunately some people only realise that as adults.

29. By now you should have the rules down…

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30. So get excited!

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So bouncy.

31. You are now a Sportsball master.


32. High five!



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