"Jurassic Park" From The Dinosaurs' Point Of View

    Escape From Cretaceous Park.

    Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

    In the early '90s, a group of men with more money than sense figured out they could make dinosaurs.

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    As a wise man once said: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

    They made all the dinosaurs female, and kept them locked away on an island prison where they could be exploited for profit.

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    Because men.

    Some of the dinosaurs, like this, um, Long Neck, were given yard privileges and the illusion of freedom.

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    But not all dinosaurs.

    The velociraptors were considered too dangerous to roam free. They didn't seem to appreciate captivity, so were treated with derision and fear.

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    Kenny Rogers once said not all prisons have walls, but clearly most do, which goes to show you really can't trust Kenny Rogers.

    "Listen up, ladies. There are two things I fear: dinosaurs and women, and you're both."

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    "Any hysterics and I'll redecorate the cages red. Welcome to Jurassic Park. I know, I know, it's just a name."

    The terrified prison guards surrounded the cell, ready to dish out some electroshock therapy.

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    No expense was spared in the construction of the facility, but for some reason they needed a team of highly disposable migrant workers to push the cage into the cell.

    Raptors don't deal in threats. Raptors deal in murder. So to prove they didn't give a fuck about rules, they legit murdered a dude.

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    His screams were drowned out only by the crunching of his own bones, a grim sound for any man to endure, not least one earning below minimum wage.

    "It hurts so much..."

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    "...but not as much as having to tell my children we couldn't afford Christmas last year. Boy, was that a rough day."

    Nine raptors arrived at Jurassic Park. Only three survived.

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    Because, you know, murder.

    The leader of the pack was Thelma, the biggest and baddest of the bunch.

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    Louise, her BFF, was a consummate yes-woman who did everything Thelma asked.

    There was also Janine.

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    Nobody liked Janine.

    They waited. They studied. They murdered cows.

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    "Guys, can you put me down now, this is not a-moo-sing."

    "Cow? Again? When are we gonna spring this taco stand, Thelma? I want to murder other things."

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    “Shut the fuck up, Janine. Eat the cow, don't be one.”

    “Are we at least going to talk about this ‘Jurassic Park’ bullshit? More like Cretaceous Park, am I right?"

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    "Janine, stop trying to make Cretaceous Park happen. It's not going to happen!"

    The raptors studied their jailers. Learned their strengths and weaknesses.

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    There was the warden, dumb as chalk and twice as white.

    They named this guy Stern Face. He always looked like you'd just pissed on his Christmas tree.

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    On Christmas morning. While his kids were opening their presents.

    There was the polite woman guard, who they called Ellie.

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    You know, because that was her name.

    There was the head guard, Hunty Man. He had a penchant for big guns and short shorts.

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    Probably due to his tiny penis.

    Then there was Ian “Just Fuck Me Already” Malcolm, who was made entirely out of sex, and sauntered around talking dirty like he'd just fucked you sideways.

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    “That is one big pile of shit.” *swoons*

    And finally, the warden's snot-faced grandchildren, who were almost entirely gristle, barely a meal between them.

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    They were affectionately referred to around the park as Boy Snack and Girl Snack.

    After months of plotting, it was time to put the plan into action. Jackie, a triceratops and would-be actress, feigned illness to lure the guards into the park.

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    "Hey there, how's the patient? Are you OK?"

    "Nah bro, I'm toast. I'm done."

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    "Leave me. I'm fine. Just go. Just go. Give my regards to...to...Broadway."

    Jackie was a horrible actress, the literal worst, but her sick schtick did the trick.

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    "I can see a light. It's calling to me. Mommy? I don't want to go to school today."

    Every prison has a screw that's a little loose, and Jurassic Park was no exception.

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    That loose screw was Dennis Nedry, and he was in charge of computer systems. Also sweating.

    At the appropriate hour, as darkness arrived on the back of the tropical storm, Dennis turned off the systems.

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    Phase two of the plan was underway.

    The other humans were suitably confused.

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    Mostly by Dennis's rudimentary GIF-making skills.

    "Are you kidding me? Dennis Nedry, that sweaty fuck."

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    "I mean look at that GIF. The animation is so bad. The frame rate is just amateur."

    "He's caused a whole hell of a mess in here. Plus his keyboard is clogged with Cheeto dust."

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    "The only thing that's gonna save this shitshow is a complete shutdown of the power grid."

    With the guards stranded in the middle of the park, the plan moved smoothly into phase three.

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    And that meant one thing.

    It was time for Karen.

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    "Oh hai!"

    Karen, the invariably cheery yet socially awkward T. Rex, was the plan's wild card.

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    "You guys wanna play? Come on, let's play!"

    The raptors knew they could count on her to fuck shit up, entirely by accident.

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    "Ooh, a shiny thing! I love shiny things."

    "Maybe she just wants to play?"

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    "Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and screaming."

    "This is such a fun game!"

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    "You wanna be friends?"

    "Come on, let's be friends. What's your name?"

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    "My name is Karen and I love you."

    "Here, I brought you a present!"

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    "Too small? Sorry, I ate the rest. You're going to need a bigger goat. Lol."

    "What are you doing in there? I wanna see!"

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    "Being friends is fun!"

    "Ooh shiny!"

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    "Throw it for me!"

    "How about you, sexy man? You wanna play?"

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    "Look at you, all dripping wet and sexy. I could just eat you up."

    "Hey, what's in here?"

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    "Oops, clumsy Karen."

    "P-p-p-please..."

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    "No. No."

    "What's the matter, are you stuck? Here let me help."

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    "Was that crunching sound you? Gee, sorry dude."

    "Hey, where did everyone go?"

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    "It was an accident, I swear. I said sorry."

    "Oh, goddammit, Karen, you big dummy. You've ruined everything. Again."

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    "Why does everything I love leave me?"

    "Guys, come back. Guys."

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    "Stop."

    At the other end of the park Dennis was trying to rendezvous with his contact.

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    "Psst. Psst. Are you here?"

    His contact was Frieda the Fixer. Anything you need, Frieda could get you. For a price.

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    "Dennis, you handsome rogue. Did you do as I asked?"

    "I've shut down all the systems, and locked the controls."

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    "Now where's my money?"

    "Oh, Dennis, you disappoint me."

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    "I'm a fucking dilophosaurus, where would I get money? And frankly, with this ensemble, however fabulous, where would I keep it?"

    "But you prom..."

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    "AHHHHHH, MY EYES!"

    "I had so many fucks to give, Dennis. I really did. So many."

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    "But all those fucks will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

    "Time to die."

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    Dinosaurs love it when a plan comes together. Oh, and murder. They fucking love murder.

    At the control centre, an injured Ian "Just Fuck Me Already" Malcolm was opining sexily about the dangers of something while looking like he just fucked your sister.

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    "Maybe we shouldn't turn off all the power, have you thought about that?" *swoon*

    "Why the hell not, Ian? We need to get the phone systems back online."

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    "Please don't try my patience with another grade-school explanation of chaos theory. You might be sexy, but the world could do without your cynical mansplaining."

    "I mean, what's the worst that could..."

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    "Surprise!"

    "SHIT! Ian, you were right. Sexy and right!"

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    "The raptors are loose!"

    "Just the way I planned it, thank you very much."

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    "Thelma ain't nobody's goldfish."

    Because she was quite fabulous – as far as humans go – Ellie escaped, and assumed Thelma was locked in.

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    Because velociraptors can't open doors or anything. Right? Right?

    Nearby, Louise and Janine had lured Hunty Man into the bushes.

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    "Bet you thought you'd be safe from me in here, Missy. But these tiny shorts don't restrict my movements at all."

    But Hunty Man didn't realise it was a trap.

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    "Clever girl."

    "Girl?!"

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    "Motherfucker, who you calling girl?!"

    For some reason, Hunty Man decided not to try to shoot the velociraptor chewing on his face.

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    Leaving Louise free to murder the fuck out of him.

    The raptors headed inside to find the keys to the chopper, which, in case you're wondering, was actually the plan.

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    "Ooh, the kitchen, let's go in there. I'm hangry as shit."

    "Hangry? Like, hungry and also angry at the same time?"

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    "But Louise, you literally just ate. Thelma will wonder where we got to."

    "Thelma can die in a house fire."

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    "Don't tell her I said this, but I can't even deal with her shit right now."

    "You've got to be kidding me."

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    "A whole kitchen and not one steak."

    "So wait, the plan is seriously to steal the keys to the chopper and fly ourselves out of here?!"

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    "I can't fly a helicopter. I'm a fucking velociraptor!"

    "Janine. You are glorious, and you can do anything."

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    "Shhh. Trust."

    "Besides, velociraptors are relatively dextrous. Imagine that stumpy-armed fuck Karen trying to fly a helicopter."

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    "With that big ol' head of hers. What a joke."

    Unbeknown to the raptors, Boy Snack and Girl Snack were hiding out in the kitchen. They were shit at being quiet.

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    "What the fuck was that noise?"

    "Never mind that, there's a freezer."

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    "Gotta be some food in the freezer."

    While Louise foraged in the freezer, Boy Snack managed to shut her in there.

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    "No! Don't! There's not even any steaks in here! Seriously, worst kitchen ever."

    The kids ran to the control room and met up with Stern Face and Ellie. Janine was close behind.

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    "Everything's coming up Janine."

    Stern Face struggled to close the door, realising the locks hadn't been reset. He told Girl Snack to fix it.

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    "This reminds me of that time someone pissed on my Christmas tree. I said never again and I damn well meant it."

    Luckily 11-year old Girl Snack was prodigiously talented at computers. Because, you know, plot.

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    "It's a UNIX system!"

    "UNIX?"

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    "And I thought I was supposed to be the dinosaur."

    Despite the least user-friendly interface in the history of bullshit movie computing, Girl Snack managed to reset the locks.

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    They made a break for the lobby.

    Where Thelma and Janine were waiting for them.

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    "Janine, where's Louise? Did you find the chopper keys?"

    "Can we seriously talk about this chopper plan? It does not seem well thought out at all. Like, I mean so far it's been great, but, like...a chopper?"

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    Freedom was in sight, barring some unlikely last-minute twist.

    Surprise Karen!

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    The best kind of Karen.

    "You're gonna talk shit about Karen? This is what you're gonna get!"

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    "My arms might be small, but there's nothing wrong with my teeth."

    "Bodyshame me now, fuckers."

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    "Haters gonna crunch under the force of my considerable bite pressure, estimated in some science journals to be 13,000 pounds per square inch. Bitch."

    And that, friends, is the story of how a group of velociraptors almost escaped their man-made prison.

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    But were undone by petty infighting, implausible chopper plans, and a T. Rex named Karen.

    Some prisons don't have walls, or something.

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    Well, not quite the end. One dinosaur did make it off the island.

    Just not a velociraptor.

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    "YAAASS!"

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