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"Jurassic Park" From The Dinosaurs' Point Of View

Escape From Cretaceous Park.

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In the early '90s, a group of men with more money than sense figured out they could make dinosaurs.

The velociraptors were considered too dangerous to roam free. They didn't seem to appreciate captivity, so were treated with derision and fear.


Kenny Rogers once said not all prisons have walls, but clearly most do, which goes to show you really can't trust Kenny Rogers.

"Listen up, ladies. There are two things I fear: dinosaurs and women, and you're both."


"Any hysterics and I'll redecorate the cages red. Welcome to Jurassic Park. I know, I know, it's just a name."

The terrified prison guards surrounded the cell, ready to dish out some electroshock therapy.


No expense was spared in the construction of the facility, but for some reason they needed a team of highly disposable migrant workers to push the cage into the cell.

Raptors don't deal in threats. Raptors deal in murder. So to prove they didn't give a fuck about rules, they legit murdered a dude.


His screams were drowned out only by the crunching of his own bones, a grim sound for any man to endure, not least one earning below minimum wage.

“Are we at least going to talk about this ‘Jurassic Park’ bullshit? More like Cretaceous Park, am I right?"


"Janine, stop trying to make Cretaceous Park happen. It's not going to happen!"

Then there was Ian “Just Fuck Me Already” Malcolm, who was made entirely out of sex, and sauntered around talking dirty like he'd just fucked you sideways.

And finally, the warden's snot-faced grandchildren, who were almost entirely gristle, barely a meal between them.


They were affectionately referred to around the park as Boy Snack and Girl Snack.

After months of plotting, it was time to put the plan into action. Jackie, a triceratops and would-be actress, feigned illness to lure the guards into the park.

Jackie was a horrible actress, the literal worst, but her sick schtick did the trick.


"I can see a light. It's calling to me. Mommy? I don't want to go to school today."

Every prison has a screw that's a little loose, and Jurassic Park was no exception.


That loose screw was Dennis Nedry, and he was in charge of computer systems. Also sweating.

"He's caused a whole hell of a mess in here. Plus his keyboard is clogged with Cheeto dust."


"The only thing that's gonna save this shitshow is a complete shutdown of the power grid."

At the control centre, an injured Ian "Just Fuck Me Already" Malcolm was opining sexily about the dangers of something while looking like he just fucked your sister.


"Maybe we shouldn't turn off all the power, have you thought about that?" *swoon*

"Why the hell not, Ian? We need to get the phone systems back online."


"Please don't try my patience with another grade-school explanation of chaos theory. You might be sexy, but the world could do without your cynical mansplaining."

Because she was quite fabulous – as far as humans go – Ellie escaped, and assumed Thelma was locked in.

Nearby, Louise and Janine had lured Hunty Man into the bushes.


"Bet you thought you'd be safe from me in here, Missy. But these tiny shorts don't restrict my movements at all."

The raptors headed inside to find the keys to the chopper, which, in case you're wondering, was actually the plan.

Stern Face struggled to close the door, realising the locks hadn't been reset. He told Girl Snack to fix it.


"This reminds me of that time someone pissed on my Christmas tree. I said never again and I damn well meant it."

"Can we seriously talk about this chopper plan? It does not seem well thought out at all. Like, I mean so far it's been great, but, like...a chopper?"

"Bodyshame me now, fuckers."


"Haters gonna crunch under the force of my considerable bite pressure, estimated in some science journals to be 13,000 pounds per square inch. Bitch."

And that, friends, is the story of how a group of velociraptors almost escaped their man-made prison.


But were undone by petty infighting, implausible chopper plans, and a T. Rex named Karen.