The story so far: I'm watching Harry Potter for the first time, at 31. It's been six weeks since my last confession. This week I watched and tweeted Half-Blood Prince.
Yaay. If you're new to this, start with the first post here. We'll wait for you.
Finally, I'm about to watch Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the first time. Here we go! #finallywatchingHP
Daniel Dalton@wordsbydanFollow
Finally, I'm about to watch Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the first time. Here we go! #finallywatchingHP
3:47 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
Here we go...
The titles are getting too dark to read.
A tall, pretty waitress is flirting with Harry for some reason.
"I've always had a thing for short guys in brown polo shirts. What's your name?"
"It's Harry, Harry Potter."
"Like the books. There are films too but you should read the books first."
Gambondore shows up to cockblock Harry.
Also to promote his new cologne, Divine Magic: "Sixty per cent of the time, you'll smell like an old wizard all of the time."
He tells Harry about his hand.
"Two weeks of constant masturbation. Should have listened to my mother."
Gambondore apparates Harry to Budleigh Babberton.
“Wands out, Harry.” Lol #finallywatchingHP
“Wands out, Harry.” Lol #finallywatchingHP
3:54 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
They run into Jim Broadbent, one of our finest actors.
He's playing a couch named Horace Slughorn.
After persuading Slughorn to return to Hogwarts, Gambondore drops Harry at Weasley Manor.
Harry and Ginny share a moment.
Followed by some serious Ron/Hermione tension.
This film is basically horny teenagers trying to play with each other's wands.
The gang sit around and Harry tells them about the cockblock incident.
"He blocked me, right in the cock."
Meanwhile, Bellatrix Lestrange and Draco's mum go to see Snape.
Who at this point is either a Death Eater or doing a very good impression of one.
Narcissa asks Snape to help Draco with a task given to him by Voldemort.
"He's just a boy. And he's a little dim."
Snape agrees to help, and takes the Unbreakable Vow to prove he's Team Death Eater.
Ooh an unbreakable vow. Wonder why they call it that? #finallywatchingHP
Ooh an unbreakable vow. Wonder why they call it that? #finallywatchingHP
4:06 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
Hogwarts time!
Unless they are catching a train to somewhere else. Which would be weird.
On the train, Harry explains his theory that Draco Hair Gel is now a Death Eater.
"Look at his hair. It's glorious. Like father, like son."
To try and prove his theory, Harry goes to spy on Draco.
"I'm mostly using mousse these days. You get all of the hold, with none of the stickiness."
Draco discovers Harry, and tells him it's not nice to spy.
He communicates this by stamping on Harry's face.
Harry eventually arrives at the hall, covered in blood.
"Let's hope it's his blood this time, and he's not been out murdering."
Gambondore announces that Professor Slughorn will be taking over Potions, and Snape will be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
Ooh Snape finally gets his wish to be Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. This can’t end well. #finallywatchingHP
Ooh Snape finally gets his wish to be Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. This can’t end well. #finallywatchingHP
4:21 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
Then he concludes dinner with a typically rousing speech.
"Nothing to worry about, except all of the things."
McGonagall finds Harry and Ron larking about in the hall.
"What are you doing, Potter? There's a fucking plot to get on with."
"Sorry Miss, we had a free period."
"Plus we haven't actually read the script."
"I suggest you go and take Professor Slughorn's Potions class, since he seems integral to the plot this time around."
"And tell Weasley to stop whining and find something to do." #BossWitch
In class Slughorn tells Harry and Ron to grab a textbook from the cupboard and join in.
Slughorn: No longer a couch.
There are two books left: a brand-new edition and a tattered old one.
After a brief struggle, Harry gets the shit one.
Slughorn has brewed two potions; the first, Hermione witchsplains, is a powerful love potion.
"It smells different for everyone, depending on what you love. I smell books, mostly."
"What does Voldemort smell?"
"Nothing. Lol."
The second, Liquid Plot Device, he offers as a prize to the student who can brew the best cup of tea.
“Liquid Plot Device. One sip and you’ll find that all of your endeavors succeed.” #finallywatchingHP
“Liquid Plot Device. One sip and you’ll find that all of your endeavors succeed.” #finallywatchingHP
4:27 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
Harry opens his textbook to find this inscription.
Just like the title!
The book is filled with helpful notes, which gives Harry an advantage over the rest, with their shiny new books.
Always go for the used textbooks, kids #finallywatchingHP
Always go for the used textbooks, kids #finallywatchingHP
4:28 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
Cue hilarious potion-brewing montage.
You can tell Hermione is struggling because hair.
Harry wins the vial of Liquid Plot Device.
I'm sure that won't come in handy.
Later, Gambondore shows Harry the memory of his first meeting with Tom Riddle.
Or, as his friends refer to him, T-Ridds.
It's the '70s, and Gambondore goes to an orphanage to meet Tom.
'70s Gambondore is super fly.
Tom is a normal, run-of-the-mill child psychopath.
"I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me."
"Did I know I'd just met the most dangerous Dark Wizard of all time?"
"No. Super creepy kid though."
Gambondore tells Harry that Riddle was especially close to Professor Slughorn, and that he needs Harry to get close to him too.
"You said he'd try to kidnap me. Should I let him?"
"Kidnap?! I said 'collect', Harry."
"And yes, obvs."
"OK. But I hope I get kidnapped at some point."
"I fucking love being kidnapped."
SPORTSBALL!
At Quidditch trials, Ron is trying out for Keeper against the hunky DJ from Pitch Perfect.
Remember?
How could you forget.
He's a bit of a knob, it seems.
But a knob that's pretty good at Quidditch.
Thankfully, Ron is pretty good too, if not a little clumsy.
Classic Ron.
Hermione, whose patience for alpha males left Hogwarts when Krum did, curses the hunky DJ from Pitch Perfect, meaning Ron makes the team.
Classic Hermione.
Then there is a whole bit about how much Harry loves his Potions textbook.
But that's OK, because books are fucking brilliant.
Remembering that this film has a plot, Harry takes the gang for a Butterbeer to try to get closer to Professor Slughorn.
Ron wants to leave, partly because he's not a fan of the trophy stag heads displayed on the mantle.
But mostly because Ginny is there, trying to extract Butterbeer from Dean Thomas's sweet, sweet lips.
Mmm. Butterbeer.
A drunken Slughorn takes the bait, and comes over to chat with Harry.
"I often invite young students to my quarters late at night for supper, which is in no way creepy. Not at all. You should come over."
On the way back from the pub, the trio hear a scream.
And not in the good way.
They see a student lying in the snow.
"I warned her not to touch it. I warned her!"
Suddenly she floats 10 feet in the air and hangs there, making this face.
Good luck sleeping tonight.
This is literally the scariest scene in all of the Harry Potter films thus far, and it comes out of nowhere.
"Wow, she can really enunciate. You can practically see her stomach."
Turns out she'd been put under a hex in the toilets and told to deliver this to Gambondore.
This is why you should always go to the toilet in pairs.
McGonagall is livid.
"Why it is always you three?"
"Dunno, Miss. Plot I guess."
Oh look, it's a Wednesday. No one told Harry.
"It always happens when you give these little people power..."
"It goes to their heads like strong drink."
Snape turns up, and confirms what they already knew.
"It appears to be a necklace."
Harry knows the culprit.
"It was Draco. I just know it was."
"You just..."
"...know."
"Yeah, bro, I do."
"Once again you astonish me with your gifts, Potter. How grand it must be..."
"...to be the chosen one."
"I do hope I’m interrupting something."
"I suggest you get back to your dormitories."
In bed, Ron and Harry talk about the most perplexing mystery they've ever faced: girls.
Girls have nice skin, and stuff #finallywatchingHP
Girls have nice skin, and stuff #finallywatchingHP
4:51 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
At Professor Slughorn's supper, Slughorn makes this face.
"Psst. Look, it's the hunky DJ guy from Pitch Perfect."
And Hermione tells a hilarious anecdote about her parents, who are dentists.
"Like wizards, but for your teeth!"
The story bombs, and everyone goes home.
Top supper banter #finallywatchingHP
Top supper banter #finallywatchingHP
4:52 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
Except Harry, who stays behind to chat.
And apparently came to the party dressed as David Foster Wallace.
"Did you teach Tom Riddle?"
"His friends called him T-Ridds."
"Yes, I know who you mean. Quiet boy. Enjoyed murder."
"Not unlike yourself."
SPORTSBALL!
During the game, the Slytherin team whip out the legendary Flying V formation.
Thanks, Coach Bombay!
"Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!" #DucksFlyTogether
But even the Flying V can't get past Ron, who is having the game of his life.
Mostly because he thinks Harry slipped him the Liquid Plot Device before the game.
But Harry tricked him — it's just a placebo!
Classic Harry.
This means Ron is actually good at something! The crowd chant his name.
#Wood4Ron
After the game, this girl tries to kiss the popularity right off Ron's lips.
Mmmm. Popularity.
Hermione runs away and cries, because she wants to kiss the popularity off Ron's sweet, sweet lips.
It’s all gone a bit emo #finallywatchingHP
It’s all gone a bit emo #finallywatchingHP
5:02 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
With his band, The Shade Throwers, broken up, Draco turns his attentions to his latest shot at fame: stage magic.
"Imma be a magician. Witches love magicians."
Slughorn throws a Christmas party, with only select students invited to attend. Neville was not invited, so he's working instead.
"I didn't make the Slug Club, but it's OK though."
More than OK if you ask me.
#Wood4Neville
Filch finds Draco lurking around outside the party.
Snape offers to escort him out.
Draco tells Snape about his stage magic dreams, and Snape tells Draco about the Unbreakable Vow he made.
Harry hears the whole thing.
Harry tells Ron, who offers some keen insight.
“But you can’t break an unbreakable vow.” – Thanks, Ron. #finallywatchingHP
“But you can’t break an unbreakable vow.” – Thanks, Ron. #finallywatchingHP
5:08 PM - 15 Oct 14ReplyRetweetFavorite
At Christmas dinner, Harry tells Lupin his theory.
"Don't be ridiculous, no one wants to be a stage magician. They're the fucking worst."
For Christmas, the Death Eaters make the Weasley family a nice fire to keep them warm.
