This Is What It's Like To Watch "Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince" For The First Time

Yaay. If you're new to this, start with the first post here. We'll wait for you.

The titles are getting too dark to read.

"I've always had a thing for short guys in brown polo shirts. What's your name?"

"Like the books. There are films too but you should read the books first."

Also to promote his new cologne, Divine Magic: "Sixty per cent of the time, you'll smell like an old wizard all of the time."

"Two weeks of constant masturbation. Should have listened to my mother."

He's playing a couch named Horace Slughorn.

Harry and Ginny share a moment.

This film is basically horny teenagers trying to play with each other's wands.

"He blocked me, right in the cock."

Who at this point is either a Death Eater or doing a very good impression of one.

"He's just a boy. And he's a little dim."

Unless they are catching a train to somewhere else. Which would be weird.

"Look at his hair. It's glorious. Like father, like son."

"I'm mostly using mousse these days. You get all of the hold, with none of the stickiness."

He communicates this by stamping on Harry's face.

"Let's hope it's his blood this time, and he's not been out murdering."

"Nothing to worry about, except all of the things."

"What are you doing, Potter? There's a fucking plot to get on with."

"Plus we haven't actually read the script."

"And tell Weasley to stop whining and find something to do." #BossWitch

Slughorn: No longer a couch.

After a brief struggle, Harry gets the shit one.

"It smells different for everyone, depending on what you love. I smell books, mostly."

"Nothing. Lol."

Just like the title!

You can tell Hermione is struggling because hair.

I'm sure that won't come in handy.

Or, as his friends refer to him, T-Ridds.

'70s Gambondore is super fly.

"I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me."

"No. Super creepy kid though."

"You said he'd try to kidnap me. Should I let him?"

"And yes, obvs."

"I fucking love being kidnapped."

At Quidditch trials, Ron is trying out for Keeper against the hunky DJ from Pitch Perfect.

How could you forget.

But a knob that's pretty good at Quidditch.

Classic Ron.

Classic Hermione.

But that's OK, because books are fucking brilliant.

Ron wants to leave, partly because he's not a fan of the trophy stag heads displayed on the mantle.

Mmm. Butterbeer.

"I often invite young students to my quarters late at night for supper, which is in no way creepy. Not at all. You should come over."

And not in the good way.

"I warned her not to touch it. I warned her!"

Good luck sleeping tonight.

"Wow, she can really enunciate. You can practically see her stomach."

This is why you should always go to the toilet in pairs.

"Why it is always you three?"

Oh look, it's a Wednesday. No one told Harry.

"It goes to their heads like strong drink."

"It appears to be a necklace."

"It was Draco. I just know it was."

"I suggest you get back to your dormitories."

"Psst. Look, it's the hunky DJ guy from Pitch Perfect."

"Like wizards, but for your teeth!"

And apparently came to the party dressed as David Foster Wallace.

"His friends called him T-Ridds."

"Not unlike yourself."

During the game, the Slytherin team whip out the legendary Flying V formation.

"Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!" #DucksFlyTogether

Mostly because he thinks Harry slipped him the Liquid Plot Device before the game.

Classic Harry.

#Wood4Ron

Mmmm. Popularity.

"Imma be a magician. Witches love magicians."

"I didn't make the Slug Club, but it's OK though."

#Wood4Neville

Snape offers to escort him out.

Harry hears the whole thing.

"Don't be ridiculous, no one wants to be a stage magician. They're the fucking worst."

It's the thought that counts.

T-Ridds is asking Slughorn about dark magic, but the audio cuts out. I definitely thought it was my headphones and rewound to try again.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Persuade Slughorn to divulge his true memory by any means necessary."

"Like murder?"

"Like, get him drunk and ask him for fuck's sake."

Sweet vest, bro.

Classic Ron.

"Two girls fighting over Ron Weasley?! This I gotta see." –Everyone

"Does Lavender Brown have to choke a bitch?"

"You better recognise."

"Vulgarity is no substitute for wit, but she's got you there."

"What, no fisticuffs? Fuck this, I'm out."

"Stage magic is the fucking worst. Also, your hair looks shit."

"You take that back, Potter. My hair is glorious. Glorious!"

Thanks, Half-Blood Prince!

Ginny takes him to the room of requirement to hide it.

"Oh Harry, it's so hot when you almost murder people."

But it never crossed his mind to drink it then go kill Voldemort, because there are still two films left after this.

Then there is a spider funeral.

"Don't think badly of me. He was an evil little shit."

T-Ridds ask Slughorn about Horcruxes, objects that hold part of your soul so that you cannot die. All you have to do is kill a few people, no biggie.

"Lol, but not really, I'm totes gonna do it."

"We are fucked."

"They could be anything."

"Um... Where are we?"

"I think I've found another one. It's in this cave."

Jäger is the worst.

Harry is obviously really torn up about this. *shoves Jäger down his mentor's throat*

They probably have a name in the book. But cave zombie will do.

Sick burn, bro.

With a little help from Draco's magic cabinet act. Fucking magicians.

He makes Harry hide.

He tells him to stay hidden.

"Please."

“SNAPE! HE TRUSTED YOU. FIGHT BACK, YOU COWARD. FIGHT BACK.”

"You dare use my own spells against me?"

Harry kneels over the body.

Fuck, this is so sad.

He signed it "R.A.B.", who I'm pretty sure is Regulus Black but I guess it's a whole mystery and I'm supposed to wait till the next film to find out.

"With murder."

Really, Harry? I mean, really?!

As with Sirius, it's hard to imagine the last two films without Gambondore.

Goodbye, old friend.