This Is What It's Like To Watch "Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince" For The First Time
Angst, spells, and perfect snogging.
Here we go...
A tall, pretty waitress is flirting with Harry for some reason.
"It's Harry, Harry Potter."
Gambondore shows up to cockblock Harry.
He tells Harry about his hand.
Gambondore apparates Harry to Budleigh Babberton.
They run into Jim Broadbent, one of our finest actors.
After persuading Slughorn to return to Hogwarts, Gambondore drops Harry at Weasley Manor.
Followed by some serious Ron/Hermione tension.
The gang sit around and Harry tells them about the cockblock incident.
Meanwhile, Bellatrix Lestrange and Draco's mum go to see Snape.
Narcissa asks Snape to help Draco with a task given to him by Voldemort.
Snape agrees to help, and takes the Unbreakable Vow to prove he's Team Death Eater.
On the train, Harry explains his theory that Draco Hair Gel is now a Death Eater.
To try and prove his theory, Harry goes to spy on Draco.
Draco discovers Harry, and tells him it's not nice to spy.
Harry eventually arrives at the hall, covered in blood.
Gambondore announces that Professor Slughorn will be taking over Potions, and Snape will be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
Then he concludes dinner with a typically rousing speech.
McGonagall finds Harry and Ron larking about in the hall.
"Sorry Miss, we had a free period."
"I suggest you go and take Professor Slughorn's Potions class, since he seems integral to the plot this time around."
In class Slughorn tells Harry and Ron to grab a textbook from the cupboard and join in.
There are two books left: a brand-new edition and a tattered old one.
Slughorn has brewed two potions; the first, Hermione witchsplains, is a powerful love potion.
"What does Voldemort smell?"
The second, Liquid Plot Device, he offers as a prize to the student who can brew the best cup of tea.
Harry opens his textbook to find this inscription.
The book is filled with helpful notes, which gives Harry an advantage over the rest, with their shiny new books.
Cue hilarious potion-brewing montage.
Harry wins the vial of Liquid Plot Device.
Later, Gambondore shows Harry the memory of his first meeting with Tom Riddle.
It's the '70s, and Gambondore goes to an orphanage to meet Tom.
Tom is a normal, run-of-the-mill child psychopath.
"Did I know I'd just met the most dangerous Dark Wizard of all time?"
Gambondore tells Harry that Riddle was especially close to Professor Slughorn, and that he needs Harry to get close to him too.
"Kidnap?! I said 'collect', Harry."
"OK. But I hope I get kidnapped at some point."
He's a bit of a knob, it seems.
Thankfully, Ron is pretty good too, if not a little clumsy.
Hermione, whose patience for alpha males left Hogwarts when Krum did, curses the hunky DJ from Pitch Perfect, meaning Ron makes the team.
Then there is a whole bit about how much Harry loves his Potions textbook.
Remembering that this film has a plot, Harry takes the gang for a Butterbeer to try to get closer to Professor Slughorn.
But mostly because Ginny is there, trying to extract Butterbeer from Dean Thomas's sweet, sweet lips.
A drunken Slughorn takes the bait, and comes over to chat with Harry.
On the way back from the pub, the trio hear a scream.
They see a student lying in the snow.
Suddenly she floats 10 feet in the air and hangs there, making this face.
This is literally the scariest scene in all of the Harry Potter films thus far, and it comes out of nowhere.
Turns out she'd been put under a hex in the toilets and told to deliver this to Gambondore.
McGonagall is livid.
"Dunno, Miss. Plot I guess."
"It always happens when you give these little people power..."
Snape turns up, and confirms what they already knew.
Harry knows the culprit.
"Yeah, bro, I do."
"Once again you astonish me with your gifts, Potter. How grand it must be..."
"...to be the chosen one."
"I do hope I’m interrupting something."
In bed, Ron and Harry talk about the most perplexing mystery they've ever faced: girls.
At Professor Slughorn's supper, Slughorn makes this face.
And Hermione tells a hilarious anecdote about her parents, who are dentists.
The story bombs, and everyone goes home.
Except Harry, who stays behind to chat.
"Did you teach Tom Riddle?"
"Yes, I know who you mean. Quiet boy. Enjoyed murder."
Thanks, Coach Bombay!
But even the Flying V can't get past Ron, who is having the game of his life.
But Harry tricked him — it's just a placebo!
This means Ron is actually good at something! The crowd chant his name.
After the game, this girl tries to kiss the popularity right off Ron's lips.
Hermione runs away and cries, because she wants to kiss the popularity off Ron's sweet, sweet lips.
With his band, The Shade Throwers, broken up, Draco turns his attentions to his latest shot at fame: stage magic.
Slughorn throws a Christmas party, with only select students invited to attend. Neville was not invited, so he's working instead.
More than OK if you ask me.
Filch finds Draco lurking around outside the party.
Draco tells Snape about his stage magic dreams, and Snape tells Draco about the Unbreakable Vow he made.
Harry tells Ron, who offers some keen insight.
At Christmas dinner, Harry tells Lupin his theory.
For Christmas, the Death Eaters make the Weasley family a nice fire to keep them warm.
"Confused? Slughorn tampered with the memory, I suspect he's ashamed of it."
"No, Harry. Not like murder."
Harry tries that, and takes Ron along for good measure.
Turns out Ron can't handle his mead, and he ends up in the infirmary.
Snape, Slughorn, and Gambondore show up to watch the unlikely love triangle between Lavender, Hermione, and Ron unfold.
Things get heated pretty quickly.
"Back the fuck up and fuck the fuck off."
McGonagall has seen enough.
Snape is doing an admirable job of appearing interested. Gambondore was hoping for more.
Meanwhile, Draco is crying in the bathroom.
Harry finds him there.
A duel ensues.
Harry fucks up Draco's shit with a spell from the book.
The gang decide it's best for Harry to get rid of the book.
With sexy results!
To help get the memory from Slughorn, Harry drinks the Liquid Plot Device.
For some reason Harry takes Slughorn to see Giant Robbie Coltrane, who is mourning his dead spider friend.
At the wake, Slughorn gets drunk and agrees to give Harry the memory.
"So if I want to split my soul into seven pieces, I'd have to commit seven murders? All hypothetical of course."
Gambondore does not take the news well.
"We need to find the rest of the Horcruxes and destroy them. Tom Riddle's diary was the first. Six to go."
"But how will we find them?"
"Fuck knows. But you've got two films to figure it out."
Gambondore apparates them to some sea cliffs. It's very scenic.
"Well, even though I said I had no idea about the Horcruxes until tonight, I've actually been searching for them for months, completely contradicting myself."
In the cave there is a bowl full of Jägermeister. Gambondore must drink the lot to get the Horcrux.
Unsurprisingly, it makes him quite sick, so he asks Harry to force-feed him the rest.
Harry grabs the Horcrux. So far so good.
Right on time, a bunch of Gollum-inspired cave zombies turn up and crash the party.
Until Gambondore fucks up their shit with fire.
Back at Hogwarts, it's Death Eater Open Evening.
Even in his weakened state, Gambondore knows something isn't right.
Draco turns up, revealing the secret mission given to him by Voldemort: Kill Gambondore.
Bellatrix and the Death Eaters show up, as does Snape, who finds Harry hiding.
Snape stops Draco. He can barely look at Gambondore.
And then Snape kills Gambondore.
Snape and the Death Eaters make their escape. Harry chases them down.
Harry tries a spell from the book, but Snape disarms him.
"Yes, I'm the Half..."
Snape escapes, and Harry makes his way back to Gambondore. A crowd has gathered round.
Everyone is silent.
McGonagall raises her wand.
The rest of the crowd follow.
After all that it turns out the Horcrux was fake. Turns out someone stole it, and left a note.
"I'm not coming back next year, Hermione. I'm going to finish whatever Gambondore started, but I'm going to do it my way."
"You know, I never noticed how beautiful this place was."
I really loved this film. It was beautifully shot and well-balanced, and I did not see the ending coming.
Also, the main three were really upping their acting games. Oh, and that score. Just wow. Can't wait for the next film!
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