The 9 Guys You'll Date If You Live In San Francisco
Lurking behind every Tinder, Hinge, and OkCupid profile: these dudes.
1. The VC Bro
Your friends and all of San Francisco will inaccurately refer to the VC Bro as a "Tech Bro," but once you date this guy, you'll realize that in fact, while maybe once upon a time he knew how to code, now he doesn't restart his router, much less create actual apps. (Why would he when there's someone to do that for him?) No, creating technology is for nerds. The money in technology, however, that — at least in the early stages of a company — is for the bros.
Don't misunderstand. The VC Bro is great on paper. Like, your parents are going to love him. He's typically quite educated, a total overachiever, and is one of the only guys in San Francisco who takes his button-down (gasp!) shirts to the dry cleaner. There will be fancy dinners, impromptu vacations, and you'll definitely never pay for an Uber again.
Ultimately though, the VC Bro will always be, well… kind of a Bro. He's motivated by money and power, a little selfish in bed, and he's never going to stop the schmoozing, the blowing you off for the super-important meeting, or the putting work before everything else. Plus, be honest: Is it really that much fun going to The Battery five nights a week?
2. The Marina Bro
The Marina Bro gets the worst rap of any dude on this list, but the amazing thing about him is that he DGAF what you think of him. After all, his fellow bros like him and he has no problem "pulling ass" at Bar None's last call. Truthfully, there are things to like about the Marina Bro. He's not afraid to wear pastels (albeit it with a popped collar), loves watching sports, and generally lives his life to maximize the amount of fun he's having.
You're guaranteed to drink a lot, laugh a lot, and be out and about a lot (at least from Union Street north) when dating a Marina Bro. You're also likely to be in the best shape of your life because working out is a priority. You'll go to SoulCycle. He'll go to CrossFit. Sometimes you'll go to both together. In the same day.
But then you'll totally rage! Don't worry about being forced to commit; the best thing about Marina Bros is they don't stay in San Francisco past 30 when they decide it's time to go back East and start living their real lives.
3. The Native
You know how sometimes you make a new friend, but it's weeks or months before you learn where he was born? Yeah, that will NEVER happen with a Native San Franciscan. If he's not wearing a T-shirt that actually has "Native" emblazoned across the chest, then he'll be absolutely certain to let you know within five minutes of meeting you. After all, being a Native is the most important aspect of a Native's identity.
Much like actually living in San Francisco, dating a Native has its pros and cons. Can't make the trip across country for Thanksgiving? The Native will be happy to invite you to his family dinner in the city. Not sure where to go for that weekend road trip? The Native has been on ALL of the road trips and will have solid advice and recommendations about each one.
But while having a local take you under his wing will be great at times, beware of getting too comfortable, as The Native's constant know-it-all attitude can become wearisome and reductive. Oh, you found a new hamburger you're totally stoked about? Yeah, the Native's been eating that burger since his baby teeth grew in. What's that about how much fun you had at the Exploratorium? Sure, it's cool now, but not as cool as it was when it was at the Palace of Fine Arts and he threw his fourth-grade birthday party there.
Lastly, while you can certainly have fun with a Native, don't let things get too serious unless you plan to stay in San Francisco. After all, the Native can never leave; being born at Children's Hospital has no caché anywhere else.
4. The Tech Nerd
Everyone should date a tech nerd at least once in his/her life. After all, there's nothing more refreshing than someone who is super-smart and incredibly passionate about his job. Even if that does come at the cost of personal style and, let's be real: hygiene. (Seriously, why is it that 60% of dudes at startups don't realize that once you perspire in a T-shirt, you cannot wear it again until it's been washed?)
There are downsides to dating tech nerds, of course. And not just that the majority of their wardrobes consist of free T-shirts promoting their company. But also that if they're engineers, they may speak a totally different language. A language that is legitimately interesting to them, but that, unless you're also a tech nerd, is like Finnish to you. And since your tech nerd will be friends with lots of other tech nerds, there will be many parties where you legit have no idea what anyone is talking about. But that's OK because tech nerds are more generous in bed, so he'll totally make it up to you later. Plus, tech nerds love to drink.
It's true you'll often come home from a fun bike ride or an afternoon in Dolores Park and the first thing your Tech Nerd will do is go straight to the computer. But won't the fact that he's lovable and always has the latest gadgets totally make up for that? For a little while, anyway?
5. The Outdoorsman
Most people who live in SF appreciate the outdoors on some level, even if that level is simply eating brunch on a patio. Good luck getting the Outdoorsman to a Sunday brunch though. No, he's been up since 6 a.m. for his 50-mile bike ride, which he'll definitely follow with a sunset session at OB before crashing at 8 p.m.
The great thing about the Outdoorsman is that he lives in San Francisco (and not Wyoming) for a reason. Yes, that reason is kind of his job, but it's more the fact that the ocean AND the mountains are right here. And no matter what, he's always down to do fun stuff and eat a good meal. As long as the fun stuff involves hiking, cycling, surfing, climbing, camping, or skiing, and the good meal is a burrito. But mostly? He looks really good naked.
There's more to the Outdoorsman than his six-pack though. There's also his toned arms, his ripped back, and his bizarrely attractive calves. And, to be serious for a second, the fact that he's typically a laidback guy who cares about the environment, volunteers on occasion, and is too exhausted to get riled up about much.
Be warned, however: As much fun as the Outdoorsman is (only if you, too, are at least slightly into the same stuff), he likely lives in the Outer Richmond, prefers play time to work, will force you to watch endless hours of GoPro videos, uses the word "gnar" unironically to describe way more things than you ever thought possible, and will absolutely ditch you (and his job) on a moment's notice to chase his next Outdoorsman high. He loves you, sure. But he loves a three-foot powder day even more.
6. The Mission Hipster
The Mission Hipster isn't from San Francisco, but it's now his home and he has no plans to ever leave. His natural habitat is Dolores Park, Zeitgeist, or on the seat of his fixie. He likely has either an unruly, oversize beard or a fastidious mustache that requires product; whichever one it is, he takes enormous pride in his facial hair, so don't think for a second that you're going to get him to fall in love with you and then shave that shit. Not. Gonna. Happen.
The Mission Hipster is a good guy to date in that he typically has a pretty stable job doing anything from coding to bartending, likes to eat good food (albeit it more often from a truck than not, but in SF, that's legit), is happy to get out and explore the city (as long as it's not a neighborhood north of Fell Street), and is generally down to have a good time.
Frankly, all of that sounds great… just as long as you're OK with dating someone who has skinnier legs than you. And likes to show them off.
7. The Home Owner
Probably marry this person no matter what. That is all.
8. The Burner
The Burner can be any category of guy you meet in San Francisco. With one very important distinction: He's obsessed with Burning Man.
At first glance, this isn't an issue. So he likes to go into the desert and party for 10 days straight once a year? But the problem is that it's not just 10 days. No, a passionate Burner starts getting ready for next year's Burning Man as he's leaving the playa. Or at least by the day after Decompression. The entire year will be spent building his art car, throwing/attending fundraisers for his camp with his burner "family," talking about how different life is in the "default world" (you know the REAL one), and generally musing about how much Burning Man has changed, even though he's only been going for two years.
And beware if you don't go to Burning Man with him. It's no secret that many a Burner goes to Black Rock Desert with one partner and comes home with another. Also: Playa Feet. Ew.
9. The Peter Pan
Nowhere on Earth are there more Peter Pans than in San Francisco. You know the type because it's basically every man-boy you're friends with. The guys who refuse to grow up. Who don't want to settle down. Or get married. And who definitely don't want to have kids. There's a reason, after all, that dogs outnumber children in our fair 7x7, and it's not because no one can afford to have the latter.
No, Peter Pans in San Francisco don't grow up because they don't have to. They have jobs. They make a living. And no one faults them for wanting to play just as hard (if not harder) than they work. After all, isn't that the dream? The truth is, whether he's a Tech Nerd, a Burner, or even a Home Owner, almost every guy in SF is a Peter Pan at heart. And that's what we love about them.