Help! I Have A Boyfriend But Can’t Get Over My Married-With-Kids Ex

"During our relationship, I found out he had a wife and kids and I was heartbroken."

On today's episode of BuzzFeed Daily, we broke down the top pop culture headlines AND served up another edition of DM 911. You can listen below or scroll down to read more about the interview!

Listen to BuzzFeed Daily on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or wherever else you might listen to your favorite podcasts!

So let's dive right into it! Our own Stephen LaConte is back today with more clutch advice for listeners, including what to do when you can't quite get over your ex.

"So I've been with a guy for a while now and we are super happy and super in love and everything is great. However, the other day I was sorting through my voicemail and I found a blocked messages section and in it, I had loads of messages from my ex (during our relationship I found out he had a wife and kids and I was heartbroken) and now I find myself listening to his messages a lot and thinking, What if? I love my bf so much and definitely don't want anything with my ex, but I just feel like he has a hold on me. Should I talk to my bf about it or hope it goes away?"

Universal Pictures

BuzzFeed Daily: OK, well, let's start with step one here, which is to please delete those voicemails. Your ex sounds like a real piece of shit. He did something incredibly violating and disgusting to you, and I know you already know this, but you should not miss this person in your life. And while you can't necessarily control what your heart does in this situation, you can control what your hands do. So delete those voicemails ASAP because listening to them every day is going to cause you harm. 

And here's another thing that listening to those voicemails is going to do. It's going to get you further and further away from the truth of who your ex is. These voicemails are apparently giving you a really idealized, glossy, romantic view of your past relationship, but the truth of your relationship was not like that at all. There was nothing ideal or romantic about what happened. He was married with kids. He was lying to you and lying to his wife and lying to his children. And I don't mean to be too harsh about this, but I'm going to say this to you because I think you do need to hear it. Every fond memory you have from that relationship was built upon a lie, and that means that the longing you feel for him right now is also built upon a lie. 

I understand the feeling of being hung up on an ex. I think most people who have been in the dating world for long enough will eventually experience that at some point. And while you can't necessarily control how you feel deep down, there's a lot you can control to willfully push your life in a better, brighter direction. And if it can't start in your heart, then it needs to start in your hands and your brain. So with your brain, make a conscious decision for yourself that you are done with this person and then with your hands, you need to remove all traces of him from your life. That's all you can control. And I do believe the heart will follow in time. Wounds tend to heal, as long as you don't keep reopening them. 

You also asked if you should let your current boyfriend know about all this. That's a really personal decision, and I don't think there's an objective right or wrong answer to that. Personally, I think if you are genuinely happy and fulfilled and in love in this relationship and you don't doubt that you should be in this current relationship, that's all your boyfriend needs to know. And if you can make a commitment to yourself to really unpack the trauma of your past relationship and rid yourself of its toxicity once and for all, I think you have the right to keep that journey private, at least for the time being. But just make sure that the journey really is about moving forward and not looking back.

We also talked about Ben Affleck discussing his relationship with J.Lo — and it’s really kind of lovely.

Stefania D'alessandro / Getty Images

He told WSJ Magazine: “I can say that it's definitely beautiful to me. My life now reflects not just the person that I want to be, but the person that I really feel like I am — which is not perfect, but somebody who tries very hard and cares very much about being honest and authentic and accountable.”

Ben also expressed how grateful he is that he’s had so many second chances in life, saying: “I am very lucky in my life in that I have benefited from second chances, and I am aware that other people don't even get first chances. I've had second chances in my career. I've had second chances as a human being."

Plus, in an interview with Netflix, Kirsten Dunst shared the personal impact she felt while working with Sofia Coppola on The Virgin Suicides.

Netflix @netflix

Kirsten Dunst's work has captivated audiences around the world for nearly 30 years. The Power of the Dog star looks back on some of her best films — like Interview with the Vampire, Bring It On, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and more

12:39 AM - 01 Dec 2021

Twitter: @netflix

After saying she felt it was the first time she felt like a quote “beautiful woman” and that it meant a lot that it was because of another woman, Kirsten said: "It was very empowering for me at that age in terms of the way I felt about myself and my beauty... just gave me a lot of confidence that I carried throughout my career in terms of producers wanting to fix my teeth. People just trying to change and manipulate young actresses in a way to make them the same. She made me feel beautiful for who I was. That was a very pivotal time in my life to feel that way and to be given that."

As always, thanks for listening! And if you ever want to suggest stories or just want to say hi, you can reach us at [e-mail].