So we came up with some foolproof ways that you, as a woman, can be taken seriously by your doctor! You're welcome.
1. Scream in your DEEPEST, "manliest" voice so that the doctor may mistake you for a man.
2. Or have your brother go into the ER complaining of pain and then when no one is looking switch places with him!
3. And if your brother is out of town wear a mask with his face.
4. Show up with an actual spear going through your chest.
5. Go back to school and acquire hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans JUST to become a doctor, so you can just diagnose yourself.
6. Arrive at the hospital by driving your car through the window like in the movies so that they know you’re serious.
7. Throw tampons at them until they take your severe menstrual pain seriously.
8. Smear your blood all over the hospital floor and spell out “I’m in pain."
9. Bring a man with you and have him describe your pain in great detail.
10. Start a crowdfund to pay the guy from House to come with you to your appointments.
11. Or become an actor and land a speaking role on Grey’s Anatomy.
12. Write your questions down, publish it as a novel under a male pseudonym, and send a free copy to your doctor.
13. Or write your symptoms out in gasoline in the grass outside the hospital and set it on fire, you know, like in American Beauty?
14. Invent a mind transfer machine and have your doctor connect themselves to it.
15. If your head hurts, be sure to cut open your skull and point out EXACTLY where it hurts.
16. Bring a megaphone with you so you can really make sure your screams are heard.
17. Bring a bag of broken glass with you so your doctor can eat it and then pee it out to get a sense of your pain.
18. Repeatedly punch their lower abdomen until they finally give in.
19. Coat your vagina in titanium steel for when they misuse a speculum.
20. Stomp your feet and scream at the top of your lungs until they agree to run more tests.
21. When they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1–10, drop an ACTUAL scale on their head and say, “that.”
22. Or bring an NFL player with you, and when the doctor asks what kind of pain you’re experiencing, have the NFL player tackle him and say, “actually, more like that.”
23. Carry an ultrasound machine with you at all times, so you can prove you’re NOT pregnant every time they ask if you “might be.”
24. Free-bleed all over the exam room to really get their attention.
25. If you’re pregnant, be sure to let your baby chill in your womb until they’re at least a couple years old, that way the doctors can REALLY see you’re ready to go into labor.
26. Ask a judge to join your appointment and swear you in, so the doctor REALLY knows you’re not lying about your symptoms.
27. Literally handcuff yourself to the doctor so they’ll spend more than 2 minutes with you.
28. Learn voodoo, make a doll of your doctor, and during the exam (pin)point exactly where it hurts so they ~get~ it.
29. Hire a computer hacker to figure out your doctor’s address and toilet paper his yard with printed-out medical conditions that you might have based on your symptoms.
30. Or bring a band of carolers with you to help sing out your medical concerns in the middle of the night.
31. Bring a sleeping bag with you and sleep on the floor of their office until they listen to you.
32. And finally, find a magic lamp so you can wish to find that ONE doctor who will listen to you. They are out there, somewhere...