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This Is What "Home Alone" Would Be Like If It Were Set In 2015

"A gluten-free pizza, just for me."

1. Kevin McCallister would be played by Room breakout child actor Jacob Tremblay.

2. His mom would be played by Kristen Wiig and his dad would be Bill Hader.

3. Buzz would be played by Jack Gleeson (aka Joffrey from Game of Thrones).

4. The "Wet Bandits," Harry and Marv, would be played by J.K. Simmons and John C. Reilly, respectively.

5. Kevin would ride around the house on a hoverboard bugging everyone.

6. And his family would think he's too young and "helpless" to handle social media, so it would be blocked on his cell phone.

7. Kevin would complain to his parents about Uncle Frank showing "bad" YouTube videos to all the other kids but him.

8. Then he would use Google translate to figure out what "Les incompétents" means.

9. And when he asks Buzz if he could sleep in his room, he'd get this text response:

10. Then Buzz would show Kevin creepy Wikipedia pages about "The South Bend Shovel Slayer" with photos vaguely resembling their next-door neighbor, "Old Man Marley" — who could totally be played by Joe Pesci.

11. When the pizza arrives, Kevin would ask: "Did anyone order me a gluten-free pizza?"

12. Kevin's mom would tell Fuller to "go easy" on his Stevia-sweetened Pepsi True.

13. Buzz would post an Instagram pic of himself eating the last slice of gluten-free pizza:

14. Then Kevin would tell his parents, while Buzz would play the "Why You Always Lying" song, provoking Kevin to shove him.

15. The milk would spill over Kevin's parents' cell phones.

16. Uncle Frank would say, "You have absolutely no chill…you little jerk."

17. Kevin's mom would take away all the other kids' cell phones.

18. Everyone's phone batteries would die overnight and they would sleep through the power outage anyway.

19. Their Uber drivers would have to wake them up, and then the drivers would totally give them a one-star rating after the ride.

20. It would not be nearly as easy for the family to get on the plane, and they definitely wouldn't tell the kids "Just grab any seat," because you know they'd have some crappy assigned middle seats near the bathrooms.

21. When Kevin wakes up and can't find his family, he'd text "💩💩💩" to Buzz hoping to provoke him. But when there's no response, that's when Kevin would know FOR SURE they were gone.

22. He'd shoot Avengers action figures instead of '80s sports action figures down into the laundry chute with his BB gun.

23. Then he'd watch Angels With Filthy Souls on Netflix while bingeing on Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Red Bull.

24. Kevin's mom would check her cell phone on the plane, and when she remembers that it was damaged from the milk, that's when she would realize they forgot…KEVIN!!!!!

25. Kevin would ride his hoverboard down the foyer stairs and miraculously not break his neck.

26. The family would use the plane's Wi-Fi to try and contact neighbors on Facebook, no one will respond, but a couple people would "like" the posts.

27. Uncle Frank would try to console Kevin's mom by saying: "If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my selfie stick."

28. Kevin would pick up an electric toothbrush at the store and ask if it has Bluetooth capability and they'd wonder, "WTF does that even mean?"

29. A bystander at the ice rink would make a Vine mashup of Adele's "Hello" and Kevin sliding across the ice as he escapes from the police.


30. Kevin would attach a cardboard cutout of Derrick Rose to a Roomba during his holiday party mockup in an attempt to scare off Harry and Marv.

31. Buzz would Snapchat the reasons why he's not worried about Kevin being home alone: "A) I'm not that lucky. 2) We have Nest detectors all over the house. D)…"

32. Kevin would order his very own pizza and say: "A lovely gluten-free pizza, just for me."

33. Kevin's mom would offer her Apple Watch on top of the other things to trade for tickets back to the United States with the old couple.

34. Kevin would stay up late and watch Jimmy Fallon do a lip-sync battle while he started to realize he actually missed his family.

35. Gus Polinski, the "Polka King of the Midwest" (John Candy), would be played by Melissa McCarthy.

36. Kevin would take a selfie while decorating his little Christmas tree and see Harry and Marv in the background of the picture outside the window.

37. The grumpy Santa Claus who Kevin visits to wish his family back would hide an e-cigarette and give Kevin an expired Groupon for photos with Santa.

38. When Kevin bumps into his neighbor Mr. Marley in church, Kevin would suggest that he at least "like" a photo of his granddaughter on his son's Facebook page. Mr. Marley would look at him very confused.

39. Kevin would tell Mr. Marley: "I have a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore Minion pajamas."

40. Kevin would use his dad's iPad Pro to map out his "battle plan" to defend the house.

41. Instead of Micro Machines, Kevin would place Disney Infinity figures out on the floor of the foyer for the burglars to step on.

42. Kevin would somehow rig his hover board as the escape "vehicle" to get from the house to his tree house.

43. Kevin's tree house would actually have WiFi and he would totally call the cops from there.

44. When his mom and family finally make it home, Kevin would be allowed to download all kinds of social media apps on his phone…

45. …which means at the end of the movie he'd create a Snapchat story of Buzz discovering his destroyed bedroom.

46. And finally, Macaulay Culkin would make a cameo as the Little Nero's pizza delivery guy.