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30 Hilarious Tweets You'll Only Understand If You're In Your Thirties

"I take my fish oil vitamin with red wine, playa."

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1.

Some nights you get laid in your bed, some nights you eat Taco Bell. Both are rewarding. #thirtysomething

2.

I'm at a party where I know two people. One of those people is my wife. #thirtysomething

3.

Can't remember names of vast majority of my college acquaintances, but I recall their AOL IM handles with startling clarity #thirtysomething

4.

Is it ok that I actually cried at the end of the new Star Wars trailer? I think my priorities are a little screwed up. #thirtysomething

5.

My boss is going to have to start garnishing my wages for La Croix consumption. #lacroix #thirtysomething

6.

Am I getting old or is the supermarket playing great music these days? #thirtysomething

7.

Nothing says 'hip new band' like a lidocaine patch. #MusicLife #thirtysomething #gigs #LAmusic

8.

in your 20's you're into trying #cocaine,in your 30's you watch #series/#documentaries about cocaine #narcos #netflix #thirtysomething #oops

9.

I asked my baby sister if she wanted to #NetflixAndChill last night. Seriously, young people ruin everything #thirtysomething

10.

Just realized - I've worked out twice, been out to an event, am drunk and in bed. It's 10PM. #thirtysomething

11.

I was going to go out and drink. Then I was going to go to bed. Now I'm just going to go drink in bed. #Thirtysomething

12.

Most days I think I'm pretty cool and then I remember I drive a mini van. #suburgatory #soccermom #thirtysomething

13.

That moment you realize that everyone you know has a kid (or two or three) and you just killed *another* houseplant. #thirtysomething

14.

I put flaxseed on my fro-yo instead of cookie dough #lifechoices #thirtysomething

15.

I've started putting seltzer it my wine and there's no turning back. #thirtysomething

16.

I take my fish oil vitamin with red wine, playa. #ThirtySomething

17.

Is it weird to drink wine while lifting weights and wearing a pore reducing mask? #thirtysomething #multitasking

18.

Nothing makes me feel older than politely declining body shots. #thirtysomething

19.

A little drunk and a little stoned, on my way to have dinner with my folks. #thirtysomething

20.

I'm not fat. My belly just has a big ego and loves to be the center of attention #lovehandles #thirtysomething

21.

Went to school with her. Years ago, “Hi!” out clubbing. Today, “hi”- jogging. #Haiku #Thirtysomething

22.

I shaved my beard because im in my 30s and proud to only have one chin. #thirtysomething

23.

You know how a bike or a car starts to squeak as it gets older? I'm pretty sure my bones are starting to do that. 😳#thirtysomething

24.

I'm enjoying John Denver on vinyl. Am I getting old? #thirtysomething

25.

I may or may not have danced because I got carded buying booze. #definitelydanced #thirtysomething

26.

Happiness is.... Using my steam mop on my beautiful new floor. #thirtysomething #boreoff

27.

When did phrases like "I'm excited to treat my yard for weeds in the morning" start coming out of my mouth? #thirtysomething

28.

I enjoy mowing the lawn. There, I said it. #thirtysomething http://t.co/AfzTvLSDOb

29.

What do we give? ZERO FUCKS. When do we give it? NOW. #zerofucks #thirtysomething

30.

The twentysomethings next door are having a rave. I'm in bed knitting & watching Netflix w/ my cat. #thirtysomething

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