1.
"Sir. SIR."
2.
"The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
3.
Me after a long day of pretending to like people
4.
BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us
5.
When you're garbage but still better than everyone else
6.
*on Ellen* ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah, i do *Death comes out, creeps up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
7.
Hey it's your uber driver am outside
8.
im prankin this guy as if im sending nudes but in reality...im literally typing “Attachment: 1 Image”
9.
not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information
10.
How come when a house is 'haunted' its always a ghost from the 1700s? imagine a ghost from 2007 screaming "ITS BRITNEY BITCH" at 3 am.
11.
One Weird Trick To Getting Universal Healthcare That American Insurance Companies Don't Want You To Know
12.
[My Wedding] Me: I do Guests: Awww Me: Or do I? Guests: Ooooo
13.
it’s 90 degrees out. this is your moment, my guy. if not now, when ?
14.
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
15.
Thanks for the clarification, Dad.
16.
Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
17.
ah, traveler, you must be tired come, sit
18.
me at 6 y/o: bilingual, genius iq, mentally healthy, able to do math me at 18 y/o: illiterate, health is nonexistent, and needs a calculator to solve 6+8
19.
Me, forcing myself to save money and cook instead of eating out
20.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted "yes girl remix!!"
21.
Welcome, weary traveler, to my SHOP. How may I assist you? > BUY > SELL
22.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
23.
im crying im so happy for them
24.
ACCIDENTALLY PASTED THIS INTO AN EMAIL INSTEAD OF MY E-SIGNATURE, AND IN MY PANIC TO DELETE IT MANAGED TO SEND IT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. https://t.co/a5ZDWyJiK4
25.
This video cassette I found at my grandmas house still makes me laugh so much
26.
Somebody on IG said this is Doctor Strange and I’ve been hollering since then. https://t.co/RNquVD2KHO
27.
... although it SOUNDED like he lived in Flat No. 70.