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Sep 4, 2018

17 Vibrator Tweets That Will Make You Laugh And Scream Until Your Neighbors Start Banging On The Wall

"My friend named her vibrator Sebastian because, 'darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter.' O.M.G."

1. When you just want to reassure people:

Hey men: don't fret. Vibrators can't kill spiders or pick up a pizza on the way home.

2. When you're being honest:

i skipped breakfast today cos was running late for work but made sure i carefully washed my vibrator from the night before so it’s all nice and ready for future me and this tweet should pretty much tell you everything you need to know about me

3. When you've come up with a guideline:

Ladies. Listen. This is wisdom. This is my code. If you are interested in a man, first ask yourself: can he contribute anything that my dog, some dessert & my vibrator can’t? If not? If he doesn’t bring something else of value....move along baby. NEXT.

4. When it's like brand new:

When I put new batteries in my vibrator

5. When you reach a new level of intimacy:

Relationship status: My vibrator just told me it has a headache.

6. When things start to get serious:

7. Like, really serious:

Relationship Status: I'm taking my vibrator's last name.

8. When you come up with a good nickname:

My friend just told me she named her vibrator Sebastian because “darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter.” I. Fucking. Can’t.

9. When the joke goes wrong:

Me during sex: Hurt me. Her: *bites my nipple* Me: No like... have you seen the internet meme? Where you say something about smash bros melee not being balanced for competitive play or something Her: Pull out and get me my vibrator Me: Ah see that woulda been a good one

10. When your body is like, "WHY?!":

My clit when it sees me reaching for my vibrator for the 5th time today

11. When you reveal more than you mean to:

Stages of realizing my vibrator is photo bombing me

12. When you're an expert at hustling:

me stealing batteries from work to put in my vibrator: This Is What A Femnist Looks Like :)

13. When you figure, "Guys get Viagra, so...":

*charging several hundred dollars of vibrators to my health care spending account*

14. When things don't go as planned:

When I take ambien i just do things like fall asleep with a vibrator in my panties while holding a half-eaten flour tortilla.

15. When you make an honest mistake:

M: *drunk* This vibrator isn't working. H: *from another room* HAS ANYONE SEEN THE REMOTE?

16. When this nightmare happens:

my mum left a Superdrug receipt in the bag with my jeans and there’s a fucking vibrator on it

17. And finally, when things get VERY dramatic:

AS THE GUILLOTINE SLIDES TOWARDS MY NECK, I PRODUCE A TINY VIBRATOR I'VE BEEN HIDING IN MY PUSSY AND ACTIVATE IT WITH MY PELVIC FLOOR. ONE LAST NUT

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