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Cottagecore, Light Academia, Dark Academia, softboy, e-girl, coastal grandma…. been there, seen that, old news.

Which Absurd Aesthetic That I Completely Made Up Are You?

I Made Up 5 New Absurd Aesthetics — Let's Find Out Which One You Are

What's for breakfast?

What will you do first today?

Lunch?

Plans for the afternoon?

Who are you spending the evening with? 

Choose a picture that speaks to you:

Finally, pick a word you like

You got '90s Kindergarten Teacher Core! Stock up on cardigans and floor length denim dresses, bonus points for the ones with an overalls-bib top so you can wear it over a turtleneck. Get your sewing machine ready because it’s time to embellish all everything with appliqués of colorful cartoon school supplies or embroidered festive seasonal vegetable patches (don’t forget the apples!). You are bringing ricrac trim back with polite, comforting, soft-spoken vengeance. No purses here, just a canvas tote bag from L. L. Bean stocked with tissues, bandaids, crayons, and endless patience. Waist length hair in a single braid or pulled back with tortoise-shell barrettes are a must; let’s be honest here, is there even such a thing as too many scrunchies? Of course not. Sensible clunky shoes? Check. SUPER fun socks? Also a check. Wearing them with clogs? Absolutely! You’ll need the vibe of everyone’s grandma combined and a voice that mesmerizes everyone around you into a calm, peaceful trance. You live for naps and snacks, and really, if enough people embraced this aesthetic, the world might finally be a kinder place. Or at least a little less cranky.

assorted animal plush toys on white wooden shelf

'90s Kindergarten Teacher Core

You got Mail Carrier Core! Time to pick a favorite shipping and logistics conglomerate because who needs sports seasons when NOTHING STOPS THE MAIL! UPS, FedEx, DHL… or, if you’re reallllllly lucky, you’ll get in with the hardcore old-school crowd repping the good ol’ USPS. Be careful if you do, though, because those dudes will NEVER shut up about being into mail delivery before mail delivery was even cool, bro. (You weren’t there. You wouldn’t understand.) This crowd doesn’t play around — the delivery business is war, and anywhere that you can ship to with enough international postage is your battlefield. Stock up on uniform pieces in their colors, of course, unless you’re a die-hard of this aesthetic who sews their own dream-team fantasy mail carrier company complete with color combos and a sleek logo (with a hidden arrow, of course). You better have strong opinions about the *right* way to measure postal rates and be willing to slice some papercuts into anyone that doesn’t agree. Drop the word “logistics” into conversation whenever possible. Share you’re strong opinions about Amazon and the container shipping industry with anyone and everyone, and if someone tells you to shut up about how to fix the supply chain issues **let them know** that THEY are part of the problem, in a perfectly formatted actually-written-on-real-paper-with-ink letter, of course.  Messenger bags, ONLY. Calf muscles of steel. To you, the entire holiday season is like most people treat the Super Bowl. No, you’re not checking your stocks on that app, you’re tracking your fleet of airmail en route, in real time. Most importantly, you have never had, nor ever will, work in the postal industry. It’s not a job, it’s a ~lifestyle~, baby.

Mail Carrier Core

How is it possible to have a wardrobe that contains *that* many faded promotional T-shirts? You’ll never tell, not that you speak to anyone in the first place. You are highly dedicated to meticulously grooming your profoundly ordinary landscaping; you’ve got a riding lawnmower *with a trailer* for your half acre lot. Suspicious amounts of fishing gear line the walls of your garage, which isn’t for your truck, it’s for your woodshop. You sure have plenty of “visitors” but you’re not falling for the trap of partnership again. Whether it’s a wave that’s more just raising your hand in someone’s general direction or the vague, upward single nod of your head, you’ve got non-verbal communication down to a science, as long as it’s not from further distance than across the driveway. No one has ever heard you speak, but you’ll always get your point across anyway — if someone even thinks about stepping on the grass you just meticulously mowed starting at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday, you hooked that sprinkler system up to the wifi so they’re about to get told to back the hell up, without ever saying a word. Now don’t go getting this aesthetic confused with the average suburban dad: you’re PROUDLY living ALONE in that McMansion. Loudly too, when you blast Phil Collins as you power wash the driveway for the 3rd time this year. Your sudden appearance and mysterious past has put a steel edge on your disgruntled attitude that sets you apart, and you will be answering no questions so don’t bother asking.

New Balance Aimé Leon Dore x 550

Instagram: @iceeedc

May this photo be useful to you.




Divorced Suburban Neighbor-Dude Core

Somehow your entire wardrobe consists of red, white, and blue, but it comes off as more "are they French?" and less “USA!” You life (or at least your social media) is thoroughly filled with 100% not-at-all ironic nautical themes — salt and sun-faded white wash on salvaged wood (DON'T YOU DARE USE THE WORD SHIPLAP IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHIPLAP REALLY MEANS!!!) and rope accents tied to vintage dock cleats holding back repurposed sail canvas curtains. Somehow everything you wear coordinates perfectly with your perfectly curated nautical items. This is Actually Clean White Stripes on Your Boatneck 3/4 sleeve top, not Lilly Pulitzer goes to Myrtle Beach, if you know what I mean.. You have a questionable "influencer" like vibes, mostly because while you’re aiming for “really authentic” (while surrounded by a seemingly impossible to keep clean amount of white fabric everything), you must know that no one can talk about yachts and not sound like an out of touch zillionaire, right? Even if you’re talking about the wooden sailing kind of yacht. Which you are. 
You aspire to have a wooden sailboat, and your sailboat will have a matching wooden dinghy, and they will both be so picturesque that multiple high end women’s clothing magazines will request their use for their upcoming Resort Wear edition. You know nothing about sailing, but that’s really not the point here. You’re not a Coastal Grandma, you’re more Taylor-Swift’s-Rhode-Island-Era while trying a little too hard to embody the part of Martha Stewart’s personality that Snoop Dogg seems to like. You bring the hummus and veggies to the parties but you call them canapés. If you were a sailor hat, you’d be the cute folded fabric white kind, floating on a very picturesque pond.

Light Old Timey Sailor Core

No one is ever really sure who you are, and you work a little too actively to make it that way (for someone who has an public Instagram, at least). When you talk, it’s unclear if you’re quoting straight from Moby Dick, Tom Waits in his Raindogs era, or Hemingway’s suicide note… or maybe you really did learn to play concertina from a one-eyed man in Singapore. Who knows? Everything you own seems to be covered in a thick patina of age, though it might just be ash from the pipe you’re endlessly puffing on. It’s either that or rolled cigarettes, plastic pouch shoved straight in the pocket of your wool peacoat that has seen better days, and the collar has never once been flipped down. The pretentious members of this aesthetic group may sport a barely holding on, battered captain’s hat, with or without personalized brass plaque, but for the less flashy, the common knit fisherman’s cap does just fine — either way, the brim must ALWAYS be pulled down low on the brow enough to accentuate the 1,000 yard stare you’ve spent years perfecting and now can’t stop. You are probably wearing a cable knit sweater and your pants look suspiciously like you paid an absurd amount of money to have them give the impression they’re made from old sailcloth, and most likely it’s true that you paid an extraordinary sum for some new selvage denim thing you don’t want anyone to find out about (the layer of filth is proudly your own work, though). You are never without a battered leather bound notebook and a single fountain pen, but whether it’s ink or just layers of grime on your fingers isn’t very clear. You are all about muttering under your breath, and if anyone asks you to speak up your unintelligible grumbling does the trick of driving them away. This aesthetic is less about fashion and more about having the attitude of an ancient Nantucket whaler who was tragically killed by the one that got away, while your last living sight, of your beloved harpoon, haunting your every thought…but with the addition of a smart phone! And while these days it might not help you navigate the briny deep, it has made it much easier to document your seedy, mysterious underworld adventures while searching for similarly curmudgeonly nautical acquaintances in New York, New Orleans, London, Hamburg, or whatever other ports of call you’ve managed to wander off to. At the very least that’s your story and you’re sticking to it. Whether or not you’ve seen some shit, you’re dedicated to coming off like you have. Somehow you smell like fish, but not in an entirely bad way. You’d be perfectly happy living in a song by The Decemberists, even if you had to get eaten by a whale. Good luck with that.

sailing masts in harbor in dramatic weather

Dark Old Timey Sailor Core

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Which Absurd Aesthetic That I Completely Made Up Are You?

With new ~aesthetics~ popping up daily, wouldn’t you like to know which of these BRAND NEW, extremely specific, niche aesthetics (which I just completely made up) is PERFECT for you? Who knows, maybe YOU will be the one who makes it the next new hip thing to be! Only one way to find out!

Which Absurd Aesthetic That I Completely Made Up Are You?

With new ~*aesthetics*~ popping up daily, wouldn’t you like to know which of these BRAND NEW, extremely specific, niche aesthetics (which I just completely made up) is PERFECT for you? Who knows, maybe YOU will be the one who makes it the next new hip thing to be! Only one way to find out!

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With new ~aesthetics~ popping up daily, wouldn’t you like to know which of these BRAND NEW, extremely specific, niche aesthetics (which I just completely made up) is PERFECT for you? Who knows, maybe YOU will be the one who makes it the next new hip thing to be! Only one way to find out!