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Here's Why "Paw Patrol" Is A Terrible Kids' Show

Down with pup patriarchy.

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1. Paw Patrol is the latest in a long line of kids shows that rely on incredibly stupid adults to drive the plot. At the top of list is the mayor. In this episode Alex offers to help row the boat, so she just puts down her oar and lets them go in circles...

Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via Netflix.com

I mean, come on.

2. Here's Capt'n Turbot, who should have his boating license revoked due to extreme stupidity. He is a threat to marine life everywhere.

Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via netflix.com

3. Please watch as this ~boat captain~ rushes to get a photo of a bird and falls off his boat. Pretty much every episode with Turbot involves him or someone else falling off his boat.

Nickelodeon/TVOKids

4. He also has a French cousin named Francois who was literally juggling when he was first introduced.

Together they reach new heights of le stupidity.
Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via Netflix.com

Together they reach new heights of le stupidity.

5. That's the adults. Now for the pups themselves. First off, not all pups are created equal.

6. Technically, Rocky has a recycling truck rather than a garbage truck, but he definitely got a bum deal. What kind of rescue operation needs a recycling truck?

Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via Netflix.com

7. All the pups have cool gadgets in their pup packs, but the sole original female pup, Skye, just has a pair of wings. So instead of flying a helicopter she can... fly. Why no gadgets for Skye? Why only one female? And why so pink, Paw Patrol?

Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via Netflix.com

8. Even Ryder's ATV transforms into a jet ski when he needs it. He's not one of the rescue pups!

Netflix.com
Netflix.com

Somebody needs to speak up for Skye amid all of this pup patriarchy.

9. In the second season they did add a second female pup, Everest. She's cute! And in almost no episodes...

Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via Netflix.com

10. Yet they instantly had a line of Everest toys ready to be sold.

My mother-in-law came over with an Everest toy before my kids had even seen an episode with her yet!
TheEngineeringFamily / Via youtube.com

My mother-in-law came over with an Everest toy before my kids had even seen an episode with her yet!

11. The merchandising is out of control. The show has barely been on for three years and Amazon lists over THREE THOUSAND Paw Patrol products.

Amazon / Via Amazon.com

12. They keep adding new gadgets and characters that expand the product line. The Lookout was apparently not enough for the team, so Ryder had to go out and get a gigantic truck called the Paw Patroller. It sells for $68.70 USD.

Nickelodeon/TVOKids

13. Now the Paw Patrol can go on road trips to different places! Translation: By just the second season the writing team ran out of story ideas based in Adventure Bay — the world they created from scratch.

Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via paw-patrol.wikia.com

14. Let's be honest: Marshall is kind of a fuck-up.

Netflix.com
Netflix.com

Weak link.

15. And Ryder is a shitty CGI version of Astro Boy.

Nickelodeon/TVOKids
https://www.flickr.com/photos/124561666@N02/14381338346

He's also a gadget-obsessed techbro who will probably grow up to found a ridiculous startup.

16. Oh god, the constant catchphrases. "Whenever there's trouble just yelp for help." "No job is too big, no pup is too small," and on and on. Each of the pups has one, too. If I hear "Chase is on the case" one more time I am going to hate puppies forever.

Golden Books / Via paw-patrol.wikia.com!_(Book)

17. The pups constantly play a dance video game called Pup Pup Boogie. The song gets stuck in your head, oh and also it makes your kids want to play more video games.

Nickelodeon/TVOKids / Via Netflix.com

Thanks, Paw Patrol!

18. The show has caused at least one person to lose their goddamn mind. This person creates strange character tributes on Vine, such as this. (Seriously, they have done like 20 of them, what is going on?)

vine.co

19. And let's be honest, no one loses their mind as much as kids when it comes to Paw Patrol. They want to watch it constantly, and will rage-fight you if you say anything negative about it.

vine.co