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Which Garrison Caruso Are You?

This is the question we've all asked ourselves at some point, so why not get an answer?

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  1. 1. Zimbabwe?

    No, Rhodesia.
    No, Hyperinflation.
    No, Mugabe.
  2. 2. Who killed Gary Coleman?

    His wife, Shannon Price.
    Phillip Drummond.
  3. 3. How do you think it feels for the band Smash Mouth to only be known for the song "All Star" in Shrek?

    Lawful Evil
    Lawful Evil
    Neutral Evil
    Neutral Evil
    Chaotic Evil
    Chaotic Evil
  4. 4. What kind of social commentary does Straight Outta Norman offer?

    Man vs. Nature: Jaguars are a symbol for the forces of nature. The police are a manifestation of humanity's efforts to repress and regulate our natural tendencies and by "Norman After Dark" mankind is beaten by the forces of nature aka a tornado.
    Critique on Government: "Diet Soda" is an analogy for the War on Drugs and the "dead homies" are victims of harsh treatment for petty offenses of the recreational use of marijuana.
    Satire: "Straight Outta Norman" prods at the conventional notions of egoism and its role in modern music. Diss tracks and the lashing out against haters plagues the modern industry.
    The answers above are nothing but pseudo-intellectual nonsense, this track's subjectivity cannot be narrowed into objectivity.
  5. 5. Does Forrest Gump have HIV?

    No, Jenny contracted it AFTER Forrest Gump Jr. was born.
    Hell yea both Forrest and Jr. got HIV.
    No, at this point it's AIDS.
  6. 6. John Silas Reed was an American journalist who was active and well known during and after the First World War. He died in Moscow of Scrub typhus while documenting the October Revolution in 1920. What was his nickname?

    John "Black Cat" Reed
    John "Socialism Has Never Been Truly Tried" Reed
    John "Jack' Reed
    John "Pillsbury Doughboy" Reed
  7. 7. How do you summon a Shoggoth?

    You need a copy of the necronomicon, cream, an old snot rag, and a dollar.
    Amazon Prime.
    Ask nicely, they're very busy.
  8. 8. Who's fault is it for the proliferation of nuclear weapons?

    I mean Russia wouldn't have nukes if it weren't for the USA.
    The USA wouldn't have nukes if British Intelligence hadn't shared the idea.
    The idea of nuclear weapons wouldn't have gotten far without Einstein.
    Einstein wouldn't have fled Germany if the Nazis didn't rise to power.
    If Germany wasn't blamed for WW1 and forced into debt then the Nazis wouldn't have risen to power.
    Germany wouldn't have been dragged into WW1 if Austria-Hungary hadn't declared war on Serbia.
    There wouldn't have been an Austria-Hungary if the Holy Roman Empire didn't fall apart.
    There wouldn't have been a Holy Roman Empire if Charlemagne didn't make a deal with the pope.
    The pope wouldn't even exist if the Western Roman Empire didn't turn Catholic.
    There wouldn't be a Western Roman Empire if Theodosius I hadn't divided Rome between his sons.
    Theodosius I is responsible for nuclear proliferation.
  9. 9. Which of these insults that start with the letter H is the worst?

    Hatless: This would be especially painful to someone who has a hat.
    Horatio Alger, Jr: A good one for when you need to insult one-trick pony authors who wrote rags to riches novels in the 1800s.
    Hore: Is when you're not very intelligent and you don't know that hore starts with a W.
    Huge Bombard of Sack: Those who have been bombarded with huge sack know how hurtful this one is.
  10. 10. What is your ASMR trigger?

    Eating sounds.
    Crinkling of material.
  11. 11. What's the best means in which to travel to the Alpha Centauri star system?

    A Volkswagen Type 2 Samba-Bus.
    Strapping yourself to a probe that uses nuclear pulse propulsion for travel.
    A cannon.
    Why go to Alpha Centauri when Alpha Centauri can come to me, huh?
  12. 12. Paper or plastic?

  13. 13. Nordic burials called for the relocation of a corpse in a specific fashion. Corpses were transported so that they could not see the house it died in to prevent them from coming back as draugr. With that in mind, why do Colorado and Wyoming look the same?

    Unlike the east, the population is not dense enough and therefor the borders reflect that.
    Because by the time the US expanded there they ran out of ideas for new shapes for states.
    I forgot Wyoming was even a state.
  14. 14. Using a bastardized and simplified version of Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel's dialectic model of a thesis, antithesis, and synthesis, what would be the synthesis of the following? Thesis: Vagina. Antithesis: Penis. Synthesis?

  15. 15. How is your day?

    Just dandy, you?
    It's alright I guess.
    It was good before I took this quiz.
  16. 16. Which of the following is the best pick-up line?

    "Hey baby, you're just like iambic pentameter. You roll off my tongue."
    "Women love my massages so much that they call me a misogynist."
    "The lord said 'love thy neighbor' so its a good thing to live next to a brothel."
    "On a scale of DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 1, I'm a cocked pistol."
  17. 17. What's the difference between a chimpanzee and a bonobo?

    Chimps are larger and more robust.
    Chimpanzee society is patriarchal while bonobos are matriarchal.
    A chimp would rip your nuts off while a bonobo would suck your nuts off.
    Chimpanzees are inclined to walk on all fours while bonobos are more often bipedal.
  18. 18. Which of these is the best name for a band?

    The Russian and the Roulettes.
    Baby of Araby.
  19. 19. What would be the best name for a Neopet?

    Simsole Tee Tee
    Grandpappy Cartington
    Spanky-poo Naynay-stem
    Meechell Ohbaamicus

Which Garrison Caruso Are You?

You got: Garrison Caruso

You're cunning, funny, and a charmer. Bow tie or no tie, both you and Garrison are down to earth and are all around chill. Though you successfully pull off the appearance of a real man's man that is strong and confident, in reality you're also very sensitive and in touch with your emotions. You also find a lot of success in your hobbies just as Garrison has become an accomplished actor and rapper. When you really set your mind to something you have an uncompromising determination. Special Abilities: Your sick bars are known far and wide for their rhythm and beat. Once a day you can regenerate any limb that may have been separated from your body. You cannot be killed by any weapon produced between the years of 1932-1937. You can speak to any rabbit so long as the rabbit is deaf (remember that rabbits cannot comprehend American Sign Language).

Garrison Caruso
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