1.
You: "Yes, they will definitely appreciate this clipped style – like I'm Hemingway, or whatever. Surly, maybe. Brooding. Mysterious."
Them: "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Where did that come from? A full-stop? What did I do to offend you this much?"
2.
This is the sort of thing you need to save until you're absolutely certain. Wait for that open goal. Booty calls are a delicate beast. Respect the booty call.
3.
You sent it without checking the date on the album. They went to Ibiza in 2012. You just spent 10 minutes scrolling through pictures taken over 900 days ago. Yep. That’s bad.
4.
You have just committed the ultimate text sin. For shame. Now not only do they think you're a crappy drunk, but they also think you don't fancy them. Probably best to just delete their number right now.
5.
Why did you have to drop *that* one? You've made things too real.
6.
Maybe take some deep breaths before you start typing.
7.
Are you five? You're allowed one emoticon per every three hours. That's eight emoticons a day. Even that is extremely generous. Best to scale back, mate – you're trying a little too hard. You're coming across a little like an extremely pumped children's television presenter.
8.
Come on, we didn't say that. Lighten up. Either you're texting from a burner, or you're secretly 50 years old. Neither of those are particularly cool, to be honest.
9.
What are you doing?
10.
Less specific. LESS SPECIFIC.
11.
*facepalms forever*
12.
They've been busy and haven't had the signal to reply. So you went straight in with the worst-case scenario. Way to go.
13.
This is a totally adult way to react to things, yeah.
14.
You've tried that whole "not talking to them for an hour" thing, and it didn't work out. Just skip ahead and throw your phone directly into the sea, save everyone the hassle.
It's OK – at least Cornetto will always be there for you.
Images © BuzzFeed
