1. The guy who keeps a drawer full of toothbrushes.
Sure, he’s a considerate host, and no doubt you had a great time partying with him, but when a guy makes no attempt to hide the fact that you’re just one of many, believe him. Enjoy yourself, but don’t try and turn a fling into a relationship.
2. The guy you’ve never seen in the daylight.
If you’ve been hanging out with each other for a while, but only between the hours of 9pm and 3am, then you’re not actually dating. You’re just hooking up. That’s perfectly fine if all you want is a booty call, but don’t kid yourself. He’s not boyfriend material if it would be weird to ask him out to lunch.
3. The guy who spends more time getting ready than you.
Grooming is good, but you can definitely have too much of a good thing. There’s no surer sign of a Grade-A douchebag than a guy who turns getting ready into a highly ritualized exercise in vanity. (Oh, and if you ever catch a guy making a duck face into his bathroom mirror, run for the hills.)
4. The guy who doesn’t own any books.
John Waters was right. If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ‘em! A guy doesn’t have to own a library full of first editions, but at the very least, there needs to be some paperback evidence that he reads. (For the record, comic books and the Bible don’t count.)
5. The guy who has framed pictures of himself. Alone. On his nightstand.
This kind of thing is a big red flag with “raging narcissist” written on it. Guys who think they’re the center of the universe tend to make it obvious, so pay attention to the clues and act accordingly.
6. The guy who builds his identity around a sports team.
It’s fine if he follows sports, and it’s fine if he has a favorite team, but being a super-fan shouldn’t be one of his defining characteristics. Building an identity around a sports team is the number one sign that a guy is weak-minded and lacks personality.
7. The guy who can’t take a joke.
Sure, we all want a guy with a sense of humor. Your guy should be able to make you laugh, but he also should have the ability to laugh at himself. The only thing worse than the guy who can’t tell a joke is the guy who can’t take one.
8. The guy who’s still pissed about the election.
Stay away from guys who are emotionally invested in wrong-headed political talking points. This isn’t so much about the politics as it is about the ability to use rational thought.
9. The guy who omits the truth.
He’ll keep saying that he didn’t lie to you, but so what? Omitting the truth is still a willful act of deception. If you notice a pattern of behavior where a guy deliberately chooses not to be forthcoming about stuff you both should know, kick his ass to the curb. Romantic relationships are no place for shady lawyer’s tricks.
10. The guy who makes a big deal about his fad diet.
There’s nothing wrong with eating healthy, but don’t put up with the kind of sanctimonious prick who makes a big deal about it. It’s one thing to be health conscious. It’s another thing to use dietary restrictions as a socially acceptable outlet for self-righteousness and control issues.
12. The guy who’s addicted to social media.
If he checked in on Foursquare to the restaurant where he’s tweeting a Tumblr link to an Instagram photo of the food you’re eating, just get up from the table and walk away. Don’t bother with a guy if he breaks out into a cold sweat whenever his cell phone battery gets low.
13. The guy with mysterious friends who don’t have names and aren’t interested in meeting you.
Admit it. Your dude is shady. It’s one thing if you’re his partner in crime, but if you can’t establish his whereabouts or a list of his known associates, it’s a pretty big clue that he’s got something to hide.
16. The guy who’s suspiciously similar to your dad.
We all learn relationship dynamics from our parents, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. If you catch yourself resolving your childhood issues in your adult relationship, break it off and find a good therapist.
18. The guy who used to be your boyfriend.
This one should be a no-brainer. Unfortunately, most of us have slipped up once or twice thinking it could be different a second time around. It never is. Have a little ex sex if you must, but whatever you do, don’t try and date an ex boyfriend.
19. The guy who used to be your friend’s boyfriend.
It doesn’t matter if they were already broken up. It doesn’t matter if he was the one who pursued you. If you are dating one of your friend’s exes, you are fired from life. Please spackle your vagina shut and move to the Alaskan wilderness.
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