All 52 Super Bowl Ads Right Here

In the order they appeared during the game. The winner? This print ad tweeted by Oreo. I also give one-sentence reviews.

1. Budweiser Black Crown

Summoned the bile from my stomach and dead from my brain.

2. M&M's "Love Ballad"

I don't like M&M's in my meatloaf, or vice versa.

3. Audi

Car = PENIS.

4. Hyundai "Team"

One of the least terrible ads of the evening.

5. Go Daddy

BARF Refaeli.

6. Doritos

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Makes zero sense, but lots of product shot.

7. Best Buy "Ask Amy"

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8. Budweiser Black Crown "Celebration"

Seriously, two of the worst beer ads ever produced.

I hate all these people.

9. "Oz the Great and Powerful"

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I don't care.

10. Coke "Cameras"

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Not a new ad for the Super Bowl, but a good one.

11. OREO

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Sound and Fury, Signifying NOTHING.

12. "Fast and Furious 6"

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I don't care.

13. Toyota "Wish Granted"

Sound and Fury, Signifying NOTHING.

14. Doritos "Fashionista Daddy"

Meh? Meh.

15. Calvin Klein

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His name is Matthew Terry.

I was mimicking his poses in front of the TV.

At least it was a simple ad.

16. Cars.com "Wolf"

Baybee Wolfie for the Win

17. Bud Light "Journey"

I wanted to here more of "Superstition."

Otherwise, a solidly unmemorable ad.

18. Go Daddy

At least the sleazebags gave you a reason to buy here.

19. "Star Trek Into Darkness"

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I don't care.

20. Milk "Morning Run"

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Sound and Fury, etc.

21. Hyundai Sonata "Stuck"

Also one of the least bad ads of the evening.

Look at that! A product benefit in an ad!

How fucking novel.

22. Volkswagen "Get Happy"

Racist? No.

Depressing as Hell? Yes.

23. Coke "Chase"

A big stinking overreaching MESS.

24. Subway "Congratulations Jared"

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Depressing as Hell.

25. Budweiser — The Clydesdales: "Brotherhood"

Sad and depressing as Hell.

26. Taco Bell "Viva Young"

Mildly fun.

But also ageist — LOOK AT DEM GOOFY OLD PEOPLE.

27. Skechers "Man vs. Cheetah"

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Just...AWFUL.

28. Lincoln "Phoenix"

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My GOD, that was boring.

Who wrote this, the CEO?

29. Jeep "America Will Be Whole Again"

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"There WILL be an advertiser who exploits our soldiers..."

30. NFL "Surprise:

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I hate American "football" so I don't care.

31. History Channel "Vikings"

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I don't care.

32. "Iron Man 3"

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I don't care.

33. Century 21 "Wedding"

I want to live in Century 22 where commercials like this hopefully won't exist.

34. BlackBerry "Z10"

For your sake BlackBerry, I hope the phone is better than the ad.

35. E-Trade "Save It"

Time to kill the Baby, E-Trade.

36. Subway "FebruANY®"

"Ha" said nobody.

37. Bud Light "Lucky Chair"

At least there was Zoe Saldana.

38. Axe "Lifeguard"

And Axe becomes the 127th brand to use the stupid go to space gimmick.

39. Mio "Anthem"

"Change" your spokesperson, Mio.

40. Kia "Hotbots"

"We want to do the tired, sexist "babes with cars" thing, but stupider. I know! robots!

Somewhere, the Svedka Fembot is masturbating. The Hotbot is Miss USA 2011 Alyssa Campanella.

41. Gildan T-Shirts "Getaway"

Creepy is as Creepy does.

42. Wonderful Pistachios "PSY Get Crackin'"

Is this dude's 15 minutes up yet?

43. Lincoln "Once Upon A Tweet"

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"It's a story that start with you. Because luxury always should."

Senseless CEO copy again.

44. Speed Stick "Unattended Laundry"

One of the worst of the evening.

45. Beck's Sapphire "No Diggity"

No digging it.

46. NFL "Leon Sandcastle"

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SANDCASTLE!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (breath) ha.

47. Ram Trucks "Farmer"

I want my 2 minutes back.

You're a fucking truck, settle down.

48. Kia "Space Babies"

Cute, and sold me on Kia not at all.

49. Tide "Miracle Stain"

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Tripe.

50. SodaStream

SodaStream would have had the best ad of the evening, if CBS wasn't held hostage by Big Sugar. Here's their banned ad.

51. Mercedes-Benz "Soul"

Considering the actor fees and the $1.5 million song fee and the production costs, this commercial was one of the biggest wastes of money in advertising history.

52. Samsung "The Next Big Thing"

You know how I know you're gay...?

53. Pepsi Next

Sorry I missed this one.

Terrible.