Here's Why 10 Of Your Favorite Hogwarts Professors Should Have Been Fired

"Tenure is, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic."

Let’s be real: You’ve always wanted to attend Hogwarts. Learning to do magic would be dope, right?

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Wrong! Why, you ask? The staff is straight up riddikulus.

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Think about it: Almost everyone on the staff is malicious, unqualified, or bigoted.

1. Take, for example, Severus Snape, who's literally the WORST. He was abusive AF and repeatedly threatened the lives of his students.

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But despite all of that, he was actually promoted! Twice!

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Yeah, sure, he saved Harry's life several times. He helped take down Lord Voldemort. He ended up being a goddamn hero. But, like, consider the classroom culture he created. Not great!

2. Sybill Trelawney was more interested in describing the disturbing ways she expected her students to die than she was in actually teaching them anything.

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Even Dumbledore calls her a fraud in Order of the Phoenix, saying, “She had not a trace of the gift herself. I told her that I did not think she would be suitable for the post.” So basically she was caught lying on her resume and still got the job? Cool.

We all hate Umbridge, but she had the right idea firing Professor Trelawney.

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No, you deserved this.

3. Speaking of Dolores Umbridge, you bet your Longbottom she made this list. She beats children.

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And she's literally a racist.

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'Nuff said.

4. We love Rubeus Hagrid, but he had a dangerous obsession with monsters. Seriously, even the textbook for his class was deadly!

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Harry himself admits to liking their substitute teacher more in The Order of the Phoenix, saying, "Grubbly-Plank's idea of an interesting class was not one where there was a risk that somebody might have their head ripped off." We agree, Harry.

He's a great friend, but not a great teacher.

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"Bad, Hagrid. You're doing bad."

5. Okay, the real Mad-Eye Moody was never really their teacher, BUT HOW WAS THE IMPERSONATOR NOT FIRED?! He turned a student into a freakin’ ferret!

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And, yeah, it was awesome but totally inappropriate from a teacher!

Oh, and he also showed kids a spell that's only used for killing people.

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This is a big no-no.

6. Gilderoy Lockhart was easily one of the most pathetic, cowardly, and incompetent teachers Hogwarts ever saw.

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He was the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and couldn't even get rid of Cornish Pixies.

He's basically just a lying pretty boy who wrote a bunch of successful books.

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By that logic we may as well hire Nicholas fucking Sparks for the job!

7. Why in the bloody hell is Minerva McGonagall on this list? Because she spits fire like it's nobody's business.

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She's one of our faves, but she's got one heck of a potter-mouth.

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That said, she'd totally make a badass friend IRL.

8. Argus Filch may not have been a professor, but he was a torture-obsessed psycho who LITERALLY wanted to chain children from the ceiling.

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Not only that but he was downright excited at the possibility of whipping Fred and George Weasley. "Approval for Whipping... Approval for Whipping... I can do it at last... They've had it coming to them for years." Like what?

Why was this creep put around kids in the first place?

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9. Horace Slughorn used his job almost exclusively to win over well-connected students so he could get free shit from them after they graduated.

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Um, favoritism much?

He also told Voldemort about Horcruxes, so that doesn't help his case much.

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10. Finally, no one will deny that Albus Dumbledore is a leader, a hero, and an exceptionally talented wizard.

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But has he ever heard of background checks? Performance reviews? Anything? Why did you hire this staff?

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Like, one of them literally murdered you.

Still want to go to Hogwarts?

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