We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.
1. A coin bank so you can rest easy knowing you're saving money or lose sleep knowing you just fed a quarter to a cursed reptilian face.
2. A pimple-popping toy to give you just the satisfying stress relief without the scarring that often accompanies it.
3. A phallic bottle opener so you can be well-endowed in the kitchen.
4. A handmade compact mirror made of dentures, because [Thom Yorke voice] you're a creeeep.
5. A "boyfriend" body pillow that, according to some reviewers, is better than the flesh-and-bones version.
6. A collection of upcycled baby doll parts for around the home.
7. A licking brush for your cat that is also, oddly, therapeutic for you.
8. A pair of grassy flip-flops, if you want to experience the sensation of grass between your toes year-round. It's Fashion, look it up!!
9. A bug catcher vacuum that sucks unwanted visitors up into a releasable vessel so you never have to get too close to them.
10. A personalized ski mask — you upload an image and they'll print it onto the material — for a new way to keep warm during winter.
11. A pillow that'll send chills down your spine while also offering great back support.
12. A pack of 1,500 (one-thousand five hundred!) live ladybugs if you need a natural remedy to save your aphid-invaded plants.
13. An egg separator that's doing more for noses than Gaga did in A Star Is Born.
14. A set of mop slippers so you can get some cleaning done while you walk (or dance) around your home.
15. A blood-and-guts polymer-clay phone case that'll shield your phone from scratches but won't shield bystanders from a real jump-scare.
16. An "Elon's Musk" air freshener because, in the words of Grimes, we appreciate power and leathery fragrances for our cars!
17. A blob of fat that doubles as a fridge magnet.
18. Some very moody porcelain cups to match your three big moods: teasing, grumpy, and "kissing."
19. A candle molded from a real, human spine that you'll surely wax poetic about.
20. A personalized suitcase with your face superimposed on it so you'll never mix up your bag with someone else's at baggage claim.
21. A tissue box that only works as a tissue box if you reach inside of a cat's butt.
22. Another to file under the "cat butt" category: A set of coasters to set your bevs on.
23. A squirrel feeder that's also a unicorn head so you can get hours of magical entertainment from this dumb gag.
24. A pack of sandwich bags with bugs on them, because you've heard of bug repellent but what about repellant for coworkers who steal your lunch out of the kitchen fridge?
25. A cat-paw doorstep that you'd be fe-lyin to yourself if you said you didn't absolutely need.
26. The Steve Buscemi/Mona Lisa crossover you've always dreamed of in the form of an intricate shower curtain.
27. A handmade jewelry holder that has seen some shit.
28. An LED ballsack to hang from your bike if you get testy about reckless drivers at night.
29. A bar of soap that is, in fact, shaped like a chicken drumstick and recommended for sensitive skin. We love a chicken-drumstick sensitive-skin moment!
30. Or, a true "status soap" in the form of a finger. That status is: Creep.
31. A toilet paper spindle you can record voice notes through and shake guests to their very core with as they sit down on the john.
32. A very warm wearable blanket — because, look, it's minimalism! Minimal human shape.
33. And a monster colander, if cute-creepy is more your speed.
The reviews in this post have been edited for length and clarity.